Page 77 of New Year

“No, not right now, but ever since the mountain, you’ve held back. You don’t reach for me the way you used to, back when you’d initiate kissing and fucking and everything in between.”

Zack nodded his understanding of the complaint, and he sorted through his words carefully, so he didn’t stick his hand in the fryer. “Sweetheart, you’re the one who was assaulted. I wanted to give you space, let you reach for me when you were ready for intimacy.”

“But why? You have needs, too. You’ve got to be frustrated as hell with me by now, doling out sex like merit badges, one whenever I feel like you’ve earned it.”

“I do not feel that way. Not at all.”

“Then why? Do I disgust you? Because of what I did?”

“No.” Zack tucked Nat under his arm, but kept them far enough apart that he never broke eye contact. Nat’s eyes swam with fear and confusion, and Zack needed to erase those negative emotions. Replace them with positive ones. “If you’re talking about the blow job, I do not blame you for that. You were trying to survive a life-threatening situation. You chose a survival tactic that I imagine has worked on him in the past, yes?”

Nat nodded.

“You could never disgust me for surviving, Nat. Not ever. I don’t think you could ever truly disgust me. Disappoint me, sure, even break my heart if you ever cheated on me, but that’s not something I think about. I focus on the positive things we share and on the future I want us to have. I want a future with you. Do you believe me?”

“I’m trying.”

“I love you, and I respect you, and that’s why I’m giving you space with intimacy. It’s only been a month. Things will get better. I know you’re used to the good things in your life going to shit, but I need you to believe in our future, too. To trust that I’m not using you, that I’m not disgusted by you, and that I want you in my life as a partner.”

Nat held his gaze for a long, torturous beat before his head dropped. He twisted his hands together in his lap. “Do you know what Munchausen by proxy is?”

Zack blinked at the side of his head, thrown by the random question. “Sure. Typically, it’s when a custodial parent causes illness or injury to their child, in order to gain the attention and sympathy of others. Why?”

“Because my mother has it.” Nat looked up. This time his wet eyes were red-rimmed and angry. “I was the child she harmed for attention.”

CHAPTEREIGHTEEN

Zack had never met anyone with a direct tie to Munchausen—that he knew of—but hearing Nat say his mother had it, and he’d been her target…so many things clicked into place for him. At the top of the list was Nat’s inability to trust Zack wholly and without reservation, the way Zack trusted him.

“When you said your mother is in prison and she pled guilty,” Zack said, “it was related to Munchausen by proxy.”

“Yes.” Nat freed his hand so he could rub his palms in his eyes briefly. Zack loved that he immediately took his hand again. “She was originally arrested for worse charges, but she pled guilty to aggravated assault, false imprisonment, and fraud. She’ll be eligible for parole in another twenty years, I think.”

Zack raised his hand so he could kiss Nat’s knuckles. “How old were you?”

“I was six the first time I remember being hospitalized. My life before that is mostly a blur. I’m sure I was sick. I didn’t go to school a lot, so I didn’t have any friends. For a long time, I had the vaguest sense that I once had a brother. An older brother, but the one time I asked my mother about him, she slapped me.”

Zack’s chest pulled tight. “You have a brother?”

“Had. I, um.” He sniffled. “As I got older and got sicker, I stopped thinking about him. It wasn’t until she was arrested that anyone mentioned her first child in front of me. But no one would tell me anything, and I was a kid. I was just trying to survive and forget, and it was actually Austin who encouraged me to find out who he was.”

Zack grunted.

“I know, I don’t like being grateful to him for anything either, but Austin helped me search. My mother had a son four years before I was born. His name was William, and he was eight when he died.”

“How?”

“The obituary we found said natural causes. There was never an autopsy, and it wasn’t brought up during the investigation, because it never went to trial. Sometimes, I’m convinced the only reason she pled guilty was so the prosecution couldn’t ask about William. Use him against her.”

“Have you ever thought of asking your mother about him? William?”

“I’ve been tempted to visit her over the years, to ask about him, but there’s no point. I wouldn’t believe a word she had to say. I put her behind me when I changed my name and moved here.”

He’d mentioned that before, leaving Louisville at eighteen and coming to Reynolds for college. Asking what his old name was seemed rude, given the situation. Nat had buried that life for a reason, and it wasn’t Zack’s place to bring it back to the forefront. “You said you were first hospitalized when you were six. When did things come out? When was she arrested?”

Nat rubbed his thumb over the back of Zack’s hand in a soothing massage. “I’m not sure exactly when nurses at the hospital started getting suspicious. I think I was twelve. By then, I’d had two exploratory surgeries that never showed doctors why I was constantly nauseated, or why I had unexplained seizures. I even had a feeding tube in my stomach once, because I couldn’t keep food down.” He raised Zack’s hand and, one by one, brushed Zack’s fingers over those three scars on his abdomen that Zack had noticed the first time he’d seen Nat shirtless.

“Exploratory surgeries,” Zack growled.

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