Page 78 of New Year

“Well, one was technically an appendectomy, but the appendix was perfectly healthy, so there wasn’t actually a reason to remove it. But my mother described all the classic appendicitis symptoms to the doctors, so they operated.”

“Christ, Nat.”

Nat shrugged. “You’d think it was more traumatic than it was, but maybe I just got really good at blocking out the bad stuff. I remember sleeping a lot, throwing up a lot, and my mother always telling me she loved me so much. Year after year, no one had any answers about why I was always sick. I saw a lot of different doctors, though, in a lot of different towns.”

“She was trying to keep medical staff from figuring her out. Doctor shopping, I think it’s called?”

“Yeah, I think so. It just became our reality, moving a lot around the Louisville area, meeting new people, and me being sick. And then I was admitted to this new place, and she wasn’t allowed to see me anymore. I was really upset, but I also started feeling better. I was released from the hospital and into foster care. I didn’t understand what was happening, why I’d been sick, or why I couldn’t see my mother. She’d been my entire life for as long as I could remember, and I was furious that I couldn’t see her. I lashed out at everyone. I didn’t want to believe anyone who told me she’d been poisoning me. They were all liars, and I hated them. I got in a lot of trouble, and I was moved around a bunch of times. Made it hard to trust anyone had my best interests in mind.”

“I can’t imagine how alone you felt,” Zack said softly. He tucked Nat under his arm and kissed the side of his head. “You were a kid, and you lost your only parent, your one source of comfort, in a way that made no sense to you.”

Nat snuggled closer and wrapped his free arm around Zack’s waist. “I still don’t understand it. I mean, I know she was sick, too, and that her illness made her hurt me, but parents aren’t supposed to hurt their kids. Not for any reason, but especially not for attention. I’m lucky that part of her deal included scrubbing everything about me from the internet. All her social media posts asking for donations, sympathy, yadda yadda. Or maybe I wasn’t lucky, because all I had was the word of people I hated that she’d deliberately hurt me. All the videos of her fawning over me, hugging me, all the good stuff was gone along with the bad, and I didn’t know what to believe anymore.”

Zack considered those words for a moment. “Didn’t you also have your mother’s word? By pleading guilty, she said she did those things to you.”

“I guess. You know, Austin said something similar once.”

“I’m really starting to resent that Austin ever said anything that made sense to you. But I suppose that’s why you fell for him.”

“Yeah, it was. After my mother and being in foster care, all I wanted was to be someone else, anyone besides who I was. That made me the perfect victim for Austin. I wanted someone to believe in, and he made himself a hero. He helped me discover and explore my sexuality for the first time, and he showed me how to be someone else. How to be Nathaniel Hawking, and not my mother’s son.

“And then I depended on him like I’d once depended on my mother, and it took me a long time to see all the same ways he took advantage of me. Tortured me. Abused my love and complete trust in him. They were the same. My mother and Austin. They used me to prop up themselves.”

“I don’t blame you, sweetheart, not for any of it.”

“I blame myself.” Nat sat up straighter, his eyes clearer than ever before. “But it took believing in two monsters, being broken by two monsters, for me to finally be able to heal. To open my eyes and see myself with my own eyes and not theirs. It allowed me to see my true hero. My white knight. A man who loves me, in spite of my flaws?—”

“Because of your flaws.”

Nat grinned. “Because of my flaws. A man who isn’t scared of the Titanic amount of baggage I carry around?—”

“Because he’s got the Britannic of baggage of his own to haul around.”

“If you don’t quit interrupting me, I’m not having sex with you tonight.”

Zack couldn’t stop a brief bark of surprised laughter. Then he shut his mouth and nodded.

“You have shown me nothing but trust and support since we met, Zack,” Nat continued, a sweet smile quirking his lips. “I didn’t make it easy, but you didn’t back down. You showed me that everyone in my life isn’t trying to use me or take advantage of me. All you want is to love me, and that’s all I want. To love you in return.” He slid his hand behind Zack’s neck in a loose hold. “I love you, Zachary Matteson.”

Zack’s heart broke wide open at the genuine, joyful way Nat spoke those three beautiful words. Words he’d been hoping to hear—not expecting but always hoping. “I love you, too, Nat, so much. Thank you for trusting me with this part of your past.”

“I had to tell you. This is the last big piece of me that I needed to share, before I could really let myself love you the way you deserve to be loved. By someone with no more secrets. Nothing to hide.” His eyes shined clearly, so full of positive things that Zack fell permanently under their spell. “I’ve shown you my whole heart,” Nat whispered. “Please, be gentle with it.”

“Always, sweetheart.” He brushed his lips across Nat’s, a silent promise to hold his heart close and take care with it. “And you’ve got mine. I can’t tell you how much this means to me. You sharing this horrific secret. Especially knowing you told Austin some of it, and how badly he betrayed you.”

“You aren’t Austin. I know that in my heart, my head, and my soul. Your reaction has been so wildly different from what his was. He used those secrets against me, to bind me to him. That’s not you. Everything about you is…it’syou. I did spend the first few weeks here wondering when you’d change, when you’d start to demand things from me. Or manipulate me into giving you something I didn’t want to. And I’m sorry for that.”

“Forgiven and forgotten. I understood why you were wary of me and my intentions, and I never judged you or held a grudge. I knew where you were, metaphorically and emotionally, and that you needed time, patience, and friendship, so you could feel safe in your own skin. So you could learn how to trust your feelings and your instincts.”

“I can never repay you for giving me a safe place to feel those things again.”

“You don’t have to repay me. Your love is everything I need.” Zack hauled Nat onto his lap and held him around the waist—his favorite way to cuddle his boyfriend. “I was a jaded old man when we met, sure I’d screwed up so royally that I’d never get a real chance to fall in love. You proved me wrong. Even when you were wary of me, you showed me that hope was still out there; I just had to embrace it. Take a chance on it. You showed me that I don’t have to be a Dom, or completely in-charge all the time, to find peace and joy. I just had to trust.”

“You showed me I’m worth more than my body, more than what other people can do with it or to it. That my brain and emotions and desires are important and valid.” Nat sniffled once then wiped his eyes. “God, we’re getting really goopy, aren’t we?”

“It’s okay. Goopy is good. We need to be able to talk to each other about anything and everything we’re feeling, if this is going to keep working.”

“You’re right. I’m not used to it, I guess.”

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