Page 9 of A Kingdom of Lies

Erix was hiding from me.

“I know what you are doing, Erix,” I said.

“Please.” His voice was muffled as his mouth pressed into my neck. “Can we talk about something else?”

I gripped the back of his head and tried to pry him from me. “Only if you promise to never do it again. Never say you will leave me so easily. You are supposed to be my constant. I cannot imagine a time when you would not be.”

Erix’s lips stilled on my skin, teeth grazing slightly, enough to cause a shiver to race up my spine. He leaned back enough that his reply was clear when he spoke. I wished he hadn’t, because his expression was twisted in turmoil. “How do you look at me and see someone who does not deserve pain for what I have done?”

The air stilled at the sudden depth of his voice.

“You did what you had to do.”

You killed Tarron because of what he did to me.

“Did I?” Erix interjected so quickly it snatched my breath away. “It could have ended differently. Tarron deserved to suffer, but I took that possibility away during my mindless loss of control. Deciding who lives, and who dies, is not my decision to make. I… I lost control.”

Erix dropped me slowly until I was standing on the ground, no longer supported by his hungry hands. He stepped back from me, face obscured by the lack of moonlight. Part of me wanted to reach for him, to apologise for ruining the moment, to beg for him to return his lips to my skin.

I didn’t. There was no hiding from this anymore.

“What can I do to help you ease this burden, Erix?”

Erix turned his back on me, stepping away. “You cannot offer me what I require. No one can.”

“And what is that? If you know I can’t give you reprieve, then you know what you are looking for,” I said, voice breaking slightly. “Perhaps you should give me the chance to help you instead of turning your back on the possibility that someone else can help you carry your burden. Tell me, Erix, what can I give you that will help?”

“Forgiveness. Not from you. From the people who are no longer walking this realm to give it.”

Silence thrummed painfully, the cord finally snapping after days of unspoken tension. “Then you will punish yourself until the end of days searching for such a thing.”

“If that is my penance, then I must pay it. But there is something I can do that will lighten the burden. If I return myself to the Oakstorm Court and right my wrong by ensuring you have your father back, that will lighten the load.”

“No, my answer stays the same.” I raised a hand and placed it upon his upper arm, stopping him from moving any further away. It lasted all but a moment before he shrugged me off.

“You do not know me. Not entirely.” It was impossible not to hear the undercurrents of deep sadness as he spoke. “You either do not wish to see what I am, or you are ignorant to it.”

“I do know you,” I snapped, unable to hold it in. “I have explored far more with you than I have with another before.”

“What I am and who I am are two starkly different things. It was a mistake ever getting this close to you. I had to feel a connection that I had not in a long time. A silly dream. And it now ends the same way as it did before.” Erix faced me slowly, his eyes glazed with tears, not a single one brave enough to take the first fall. “After tomorrow I retire as your personal guard. How can I keep you safe from others if I am not confident that I can keep you safe from me?”

I shook my head, confusion mixing with annoyance. “I have never heard something more ridiculous in my life. Stop speaking in riddles, Erix. It is late and you are clearly tired. Can we please just talk this through tomorrow morning? When our minds are clear and we are rested. It is always harder to face our anxieties in the dark of night. I promise, this will be easier come dawn.”

Erix just stood there and stared at me, shadows creating shapes across his face. “Ask me what I am.”

“No, it doesn’t matter.” I shouted. My breathing grew frantic, chest rising and falling in an awkward, unnatural rhythm. “I refuse to play this game, Erix. It’s not what you are, but who you are that matters.”

“Ask me,” Erix snarled, his eyes darkening.

I didn’t flinch away, but the urge was simmering.

I shook my head, unable to look into his wide, panicked eyes. “I said no.”

“Robin.” His voice deepened, his fists balled. “Ask me.”

“No!” My shout was muffled by a rush of frozen air that exploded outwards. It silenced Erix, snatching away those same two words he was about to repeat. As he studied me and the curling of freezing mists that danced at my feet, it was not with fear… It was with something else entirely. “I do not care to know what it is you think is so deeply important. What you are, Erix, is the gentle soul who saved me from the Hunters and helped me through this unexpected and frankly unwanted transition in my life. You are not a result of your actions. Do you hear me?”

I waited for him to reply, to say something… anything that would take back this entire evening. There was a part of me that wished I had the capacity to sleep without him by my side.

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