Page 96 of The Witch and His Crow

Arwyn stayed still and calm, looking down his sharp nose at me. He only moved when I lifted the grimoire again. Before I could follow through with the next smack, Arwyn caught my wrist in his hand and held me at bay. ‘I thought this was what you wanted?’

‘To be punished? To be treated like I’ve done something wrong? Fuck me, Arwyn, you can barely look at me. And everytime you do, you wince and pull a face like I’m the biggest regret in your?—’

‘Youaremy biggest regret,’ Arwyn snapped, leaning in close, teeth flashing. ‘That isexactlywhat you are.’

My breath hitched in my throat. A cold chill passed down my spine, splaying out across my back like wings of ice. I tried to step back, but his hold on me didn’t allow it. The back of my eyes burned, but I didn’t dare blink to allow the tears to flow free again. I was in half a mind to picture the symbol for air and conjure the element just as I had with Jaz. Then another half of me longed to turn away, walk out the door, and pretend Arwyn never existed.

Somehow, both were impossible.

‘Well, you must feel relieved to get that off your chest.’

Arwyn didn’t blink, nor move. He just held my wrist, not hard but firm. I could feel his heartbeat in his palm, the pace violent. ‘Not at all.’

I diverted my eyes. ‘You know where the door is, Arwyn. No one is making you stay with me.’

‘You’re wrong,’ Arwyn growled, a gleam of moisture growing across his eyes. ‘I’m making myself stay.’

His hold on my wrist slackened, enough for me to pull back. I put space between us, the grimoire shaking in my hand as unspent energy overwhelmed me. ‘What have I done wrong?’

‘Nothing.’

Clearly. ‘You’re not convincing.’

‘You’ve done nothing wrong.’ Arwyn pressed a closed fist to his forehead. His eyes screwed shut, the lines across his face deepening. ‘It’s me.’

I didn’t have time to ask him what he meant before Arwyn began slamming his knuckles into his forehead. By the third hit I was on him again, although this time I was the one to reach for his wrist and hold it. The grimoire dropped to the ground,forgotten. All that mattered was stopping Arwyn from hurting himself.

My anger at his reaction soon became guilt. I knew little of what haunted Arwyn, and I’d been so focused on my own reaction to his rejection that I didn’t contemplate that the reason could’ve been something harrowing. Heavy.

‘It’s me. It’s…’ Arwyn leaned forwards, resting his red-stained forehead on mine, ‘me. It’s me.’

The atmosphere changed as sure as a breeze. Arwyn melted into me, using my body as a way to prop himself up. I took him in, wrapping arms around him until my body was anchored to him. Then his sobs began. They were small and quiet, yet the sound spurred a deep ache in my own chest.

‘Shh,’ I hushed, feeling the wet spread of Arwyn’s tears soaked through the material at my shoulder. ‘I’ve got you.’

‘It’s this place,’ Arwyn groaned after a while, breaking the taut silence that had filled the room as he cried. ‘The pressures, the expectations. All of it. Nothing makes sense anymore. Not since…’

‘Me,’ I answered for him. ‘You’ve already made that clear.’

Arwyn didn’t tell me I was wrong. Because I wasn’t. I had come into this competition with the expectation of seeing it through to the end alone. It was easier to focus on surviving when I only had myself to worry about. Now, I risked myself for Romy and Arwyn. It was a burden was both shared.

‘I wish things could be different.’ Arwyn pulled back, placed his warm palm on my cheek and stroked the skin. ‘I’m sorry, Hector. I didn’t mean to shout at you. I didn’t mean to make you feel ignored. This is not an issue with you…but with me.’

I offered him a smile, one that pretended that everything was alright. ‘It’s not you, it’s me. Are you breaking up with me, Arwyn?’

He shook his head, grinning too. ‘I thought I was just a distraction for you?’

‘Not a very good one,’ I replied, testing the water.

‘How so?’

I leaned down and picked up the grimoire, again finding it easier to look at it than the intensity of Arwyn’s eyes. ‘A distraction is something that takes my mind off damning thoughts. But in truth, all this has done is make you sink your claws deeper into my mind. I…I find concentrating on anything else…’

‘Impossible.’ It was Arwyn’s turn to answer for me.

I found myself leaning closer, wanting there to be minimal space between his mouth and mine. Giving into my desires I leaned up on my tiptoes, ready to give into the need for him. But before I got close, Arwyn pulled back.

It was as if he was protecting me from what I really wanted, versus what I thought I needed.

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