Page 64 of A Game of Monsters

Erix was silent for a moment, as though taking in my words and deciding how much weight they had to them. “Do you know what I want most in this world?”

I dared not ask, but the question came out anyway. “What?”

He took a deep breath in through his nose, filling his body with the confidence required to answer. “I wish to see you smile again. Not those fake smiles you plaster across your face when you think the time requires it. I mean the real ones, the type which lighten your face from the inside out. It’s been so long since the last time I saw one, and every second that passes without one, I feel as though the world is not worth it. What good am I to you, if I cannot make that happen?”

I couldn’t stop the words from flowing out of me. “You have no idea just how your presence alone is helping me, do you?”

Silver eyes held onto my gaze, unwavering. “Duncan deserves to be here with you. Not me.”

“I want him here too,” I said, clutching at my chest from the sudden pain. “But that isn’t to say that I wouldn’t want you here as well. Erix, I suggest you should stop worrying about what you think I deserve, and just ask me next time.”

Erix’s breath hitched, his shoulders rolling back. “Then tell me, little bird. What is it you deserve?”

I was faced with the question, in reality, I was too weak to answer it. Instead of coming out right and saying that I wanted them both – or maybe that was just a new desire that Duwar’s taunting made me contemplate as a possibility – I manipulated my answer to stay on the right side of the line between us.

“A distraction,” I replied. “From my mind, and my responsibilities.”

Erix loosed a broken gasp, his eyes widening a fraction. “It has been a long time since you asked that of me. Different circumstances, different outcomes.”

My knuckles brushed his, only for a moment.

“I think we both deserve a night off, don’t you? A night where we don’t think about anything but the moment. Consider it a challenge, we both distract each other, and at least try to enjoy ourselves. Play the parts of king and royal guard, as we have done before. If not for ourselves, at least to keep up pretences for everyone watching. Just as you wanted.”

“Pretences,” Erix repeated, taking the reason of my words in, allowing his body to react before he added. “Do you remember what you did, the last time we were at a ball?”

“I gottipsy,” I answered, finding the swell of heat at the memory. “You just reminded me of that.”

That wasn’t what Erix was suggesting, and I knew it. But for the safety of this strange boundary between us, out of respect for Duncan, I refused to answer with the truth.

“Hmm. Do you plan to repeat history tonight?” Erix asked. “Cassial has likely requested every possible bottle of wine and ale across Durmain. There is enough to last a lifetime in this very room.”

I shook my head. “I hope I don’t disappoint you with my answer, but I would very much like to just dance.”

Erix laughed. “Dance? Robin Icethorn wishes to dance?”

It was a risk, doing this with Erix. Getting close, knowing what was to come. But more than anything, I forgot that he would be left behind when my plan was successful. He deserved a memory that would make him smile – one he could take with him into the future.

“Not the type of distraction you expected me to ask for, was it?”

His cheeks flushed red. Erix dropped his silver eyes to our held hands and answered. “Well, I am sure Duncan would murder me himself if he heard I refused you a dance.”

The mention of Duncan almost had me backing out. I longed for him to be here, holding my hand, throwing ourselves into a dance with nothing but joy and excitement for a future holding us together. But he was not here. And if he was, my mind would be split to another. To Erix. I would always think about him.

My mind was a storm, occupied by two men, both of whom I would never get the chance to have again.

“One night of distractions,” I said, shaking his hand. “Nothing… untoward. Just friends, enjoying each other’s company.”

“Just friends,” Erix echoed, doing well to hide the disappointment from his expression. “One night, I can do one night. Now, about that dance.”

I gave up control, willingly. For Erix, I told myself, as he pulled my arm and guided me into the heart of the room. Everywhere was loud with the noise of chatter, music and enjoyment – but nothing could conceal the sound of Erix’s cloak trailing the ground, or my heartbeat which found its way up into my throat.

I wondered if he felt it, the quickening thump as his hand held mine. Because his heart was a canter, tickling the soft of my palm, telling me the story of his innermost feelings.

We came to a stop just as the excitable sway of music shifted into a languid song. I would’ve cared for those who watched on, if Erix’s intensity wasn’t so devouring. Beneath his gaze, the way his breath caught as he peered down his nose at me, nothing else seemed to matter.

“Follow my lead, little bird,” Erix whispered as he positioned my hands, one on his hip, the other held tight in his.

“Always,” I replied, gaze down on our feet.

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