Page 54 of Summer Romance

“Come into the garage,” I say. I am aware of how neutral I am feeling toward him. I don’t feel angry or awkward or any of the things I usually feel. It’s like I actually cleared the air. “I made two piles. Stuff neither of us wants, and stuff you might want. Take what you like and I’ll donate the rest.” I have a bit of showman energy about me. Like I am the Wizard of Oz or a game show host, inviting him to behold the museum of discarded items in my garage.

Pete picks up his juicer. I don’t tell him that it’s got seventeen pieces that all need to be hand washed after every use. He takes a World’s Best Dad mug and a few kitchentowels. It’s sad watching him do this and I usher the kids back into the kitchen. I want to move toward the happy thing.

Pete puts his stuff in the car and comes back to say goodbye to the kids. “Really looks great, Ali,” he says.

“Thank you,” I say. And I feel it again, that certainty that this wouldn’t have made any difference. And if it would have, that’s not love anyway. Love is notIf you clean up, I’ll help you through your grief. I’m not sure what love is, but I think it’s something different from that.

30

I wake up Wednesday morning to a text from Ethan: Hey

Me: How was court

Ethan: Fine. I think Brenda misses you

I am smiling at my phone like a teenager. Me: I miss her too. Court today?

Ethan: Probably tomorrow too. But I’ve got to put you back to work

Me: I actually worked for myself yesterday. Looks pretty good

Ethan: Can’t wait to see

Carbonated again, I get up and start making pancakes. After camp drop-off, Phyllis tells me that I am different.

“I’m the same,” I say, and replace the plastic liner in her garbage bag.

“You’re light,” she says, an accusation.

“I cleaned out my kitchen. And Pete took a bunch more of his stuff.”

“Ah.” She smiles. “Lots of room now for something new. But please, have something with that nice young man.Don’t meet someone on the Internet—before you know it they’ve taken two hundred thousand dollars.”

“Was that Dr. Phil yesterday?”

“Dr. Phil most days. Also, crystal meth. Don’t do that.”

Ethan texts atten p.m.: How’s it going?

I sit up in bed but don’t turn on the light. Me: Pretty great. Tackled Carla Garcia’s attic and my own family room today. Court again tomorrow?

Ethan: Yeah, I won’t be back till Friday afternoon

I have too many replies that want to shoot out of my fingers. I just want him back now. Me: Bummer

Ethan: I don’t think people say that anymore

I smile because I can hear him saying that in my head. Me: They totally do

Ethan: Don’t think so. Pretty sure it’s just you

I am trying to think of something to say. I like having him right here with me. He texts again: I also wanted to tell you I’ve been thinking about you a lot

My fingers can’t type fast enough: Me too

Ethan: Good. Okay I think if I say more I might go too far. So just good night

I feel these words in my heart. It’s like there’s a hope there, born of the fact that Ethan might have to hold back his feelings. Me: Bummer. Good night.

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