Page 68 of Summer Romance

He grabs his bag with his free hand and leads me out to his car. “Seriously, are you okay? You don’t look right.”

“I am,” I lie. “I think I just got really tired. Maybe I’ll go home for a bit.”

“Fake cleaning up won’t be that much fun without me anyway.”

“It won’t,” I say.

“I’m not going to tell you I’m going to miss you because that would be embarrassing. But I am.” He pulls me into a hug and I just want to stay there. In this moment, where my head is in his chest and his arms are around me and he’s still here.

40

Ethan texts that night: Did you get any rest?

Me: I did

Ethan: Good. I miss you

Me: Me too. How was court

Ethan: It went our way

Me: Congratulations

My phone rings; it’s Ethan. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing, why?”

“You sound so weird, like a robot.”

“Do I?”

“Yes, and you do right now too, so it’s not just texting. Like you don’t miss me, which makes me a little nuts because I really miss you.”

I smile a little. “I miss you. Listen, I’ve got to go get Cliffy to bed. Let’s talk tomorrow.” I hang up.

Ethan texts immediately: Okay something’s spooked you. Trust me, I’ve been spooked this whole time

Me: Ok, talk to you tomorrow

Ethan: Robot

I get mykids from camp. Iris and Cliffy both want to have a friend over and I say okay. My house is full of people and noise and it’s a welcome distraction. I have a man who is actually in love with me, I know this, and there must be a way to make this work. It’s too much to walk away from. I feel sick from how much I want to crawl into Ethan’s arms and have him love me through this. Feeling your actual feelings isn’t always so pleasant.

I abandon the chaos of the double playdate and go into my garage and get in my car. “Mom. What am I doing?” She doesn’t say anything. “I love him. This is going to end so badly.” The sound of those words surrounds me and I start to cry.Protecting your heart is self-care.And I don’t know which of our voices that was.

41

I don’t sleep. I try to bend my mind to see how I could keep Ethan without compromising who he is and the happy life he’s built. I cannot ask him to leave it. I cannot move to Devon. My kids need to be near Pete and in their schools and with their friends. I could go see him one day a week for the next twelve years until Cliffy goes to college. It’s an eight-hour drive round trip. None of it makes sense.

I close my eyes and tell my mom, “I am in a knot.” I know she knows what I mean. I picture the two of us trying to untangle a tiny gold chain, trying to loosen a knot that is so fine and so tight it will not give.You’re pulling too hard.I know she’s right. We have two more weeks, and I’m racing to the end already.

It’s Friday, andEthan calls. “Ali, I’m losing my mind here. Tell me what’s going on.”

And it’s hard to be distant when his voice is in my ear.Just the sound of it makes me want to settle in and wrap everything about him around me. All of the thoughts in my head sound crazy, and I know if I share one of them the rest will pour out. “I’m scared,” I say.

“That’s what happens when something matters. I think it’s normal. I’m scared too. Terrified, really. I want to see you.”

“When can you get back?”

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