Page 48 of It's a Love Story

“She actually did. As soon as I left she tried to date Connor.”

“Seriously?” I ask.

“No joke. She didn’t love me, she just loved the idea of me.”

“Gross, and tonight she was asking about Brian,” I say. “That sucks.”

“Yeah, she married and divorced the guy who owns the Subaru dealership in Montauk, so she’s in the market for a replacement. Any Finnegan will do, I guess. And it was fine because I didn’t love her, but it sort of proved me right. I left for LA right after. I needed to get away, you know?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry aboutStar Crossed,” he says and turns his head toward me.

“You’re about to take it back.”

“I was, yes.” He laughs. “I hated it. But part of why I hated it was that it gave me that feeling. They’re attracted to each other and become a couple, but for no reason. They just sort of like the idea of each other, they see each other in broad strokes. And I think I hate broad strokes. Broad strokes and generalities remind me of when I was a kid and I was worried I’d disappear.” He turns onto his back. I watch him in the dark, his arm flung up over his head. It’s my turn to say something, but I don’t. I’m not going to tell him why it feels so safe to play a role.

He closes his eyes and I guess that’s it. We’ve been talking for the entire day, but I want to hear more.

“I was going to take you to Shanty’s,” he says from the darkness. “That Friday night we never went out. Have you ever been?”

“No.”

“Me neither, but it’s in the marina and I’ve driven by it. Always thought it would be cool to take a first date there. I wasn’t totally sure about it, but then Aidan said to just risk it, and if you hated it, it could be something we’d laugh about later when we were a couple. Like the food poisoning you got on our first date or whatever.”

He told his brother about me.

“That is seriously romantic.” My eyes are closed, and I am picturing the two of us on a couch I don’t own laughing about a disastrous but memorable date. He remembers what it felt like to hold my hair while I threw up at the gas station on the way home. I remember the way he wet a paper towel for the back of my neck. I have the strangest feeling that I would have acted entirely different on a date with Dan. I say to the ceiling, “I was going to wear jeans and my blue-and- white cotton blouse. It’s a confident sort of blouse, and it hits at the right length so you don’t have to worry about tucking it in.” I can feel him looking at me, daring me to go on. I feel like we’re playing a game, so I do. “I hate being on a date in a fix-it outfit, where you’re adjusting your bra straps or pulling your top down so your stomach isn’t showing. I usually wear a dress for this reason, but with you, I was going to wear jeans and a blouse. It felt cooler.”

“I’m honored. That I was considered for the alternate outfit.” I turn to him and he smiles at me in the dark. His mouth is in shadow now, but I can see it in his eyes. He turns back to the ceiling and I keep watching him. “I hadn’t thought about what I was going to wear, but I was going to clean out my car. I actually walked into that meeting with Nathan stressed out because I thought I was going to run out of time and then you’d see that I was driving around in a big gym locker.”

I laugh. “I don’t love a dirty car, your instincts were good.”

He turns back to me. “Thanks for tonight. And for hyping my movie to the haters.”

I laugh. “That part wasn’t even acting. Nathan’s obsessed withGrapevine.”

“And the rest of it?” he asks. His gaze is heavy on me, and I feel something change; it’s the molecular composition of the air, thinner somehow. He’s vulnerable asking this question.

“The rest of it?” I ask. The feeling of my mouth on his and the smell of the salt air on his skin return to me in force. I went way out of my comfort zone tonight, but I don’t think anyone in the world would regret a kiss like that. He reaches out for my hand across the small space between us, and I take it. He has strong hands, and the little squeeze of his palm against mine moves directly to my stomach. I should say something now to affirm that the rest of it is a thing that I want. But I can’t say it. I’ve already extended myself too far tonight, and I’m terrified of going any further.

“So tomorrow? We look for Jack at the beach?” I say. It has nothing to do with what’s happening here between us. But I say it because the alternative is telling him how I feel. The alternative is climbing into his bed and risking my heart.

Dan’s expression changes, like shutters pulling closed. “Okay, yeah,” he says and lets go of my hand.

“Good night,” I say and roll over toward the wall.

CHAPTER 21

NO MUFFINS?” CORMACK ASKS WHEN I SIT NEXT TOhim in the backyard with my coffee. Ruby’s up. She’s wandering around the lawn in her Wonder Woman pajamas collecting leaves in a bouquet.

“I skipped my run. Did way too many things yesterday. But I could bike and get you some.”

“No, but thanks. I don’t think I’ll be starving to death around here anytime soon.”

We sit and watch the potato fields brighten in the sun. We watch Ruby perform some kind of dance for no one but herself. It mostly involves her stepping from side to side and swaying her arms over her head, like she’s bringing the heavens down to earth. At regular intervals, she parts the air in front of her, like she’s doing the breaststroke. It’s mesmerizing, the magic of a six-year-old girl. Cormack reads thePost,and I watch the potato fields and replay that kiss behind my eyes. I can feel Dan’s lips changing mine into something electric. I can feel the way that kiss wormed its way into my heart, making room there. I don’t know how I’m going to see him today without begging him to kiss me again. I want this too much, and I just wish I hadn’t instigated it. I want to go back in time and have him be the one who kissed me. And not because Brooke and her perfect hair were there, but because I want to know that I’m a person he was dying to kiss. The distinction shouldn’t matter, especially based on how objectively successful that kiss was, but it does to me. If it were socially acceptable, I’d like him to present me with an affidavit stipulating that he wanted to kiss me as much as I wanted to kiss him, and that if I express an interest in another kiss, he will not rescind his interest. It would be nice if it were notarized.

“Do you think dehydration can affect your brain?” I ask Cormack. “Like your judgment?”

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