Page 54 of It's a Love Story

My mom didn’t bake, and I’ve never seen a rolling pin in real life. I love the smooth feel of it and the messy way Reenie tosses flour onto the kitchen table so that the dough won’t stick. I love flattening the ball of dough with my hand and then rolling it with the pin into a not-quite-right circle. I love lifting it and the way it breaks before it gets to the pie plate and how I can fix it by just pressing it back together.

“You’re a natural,” Reenie says, and I beam.

I pour the berries into the crust and put the whole thing in the hot oven. I do feel natural here, I realize. My thoughts and words come out entirely unrehearsed. I can admit to not knowing how to do something and try. Laughter comes out of me as easily as my breath. It’s a new feeling to be so much myself and to still be invited deeper and deeper into this family. Knowing their family recipe gives me a very specific and unnameable kind of pleasure.

“That’s it,” Reenie says. “Now we wait.” She shoos me into the living room, where Dan’s making a fire and Ruby’s watching cartoons on the floor, chin in hands. He’s on his knees stacking wood and balling up scraps of paper. I sit on the couch and watch him. In a matter of hours, everyone in this house is going to be going to bed, including us. The thought of it makes my chest pound. One breath closer to Dan, one single item of clothing so much as pushed aside, and I will come completely apart. I know it. Dan himself is the point of no return.

Dan gets the fire going, a little crackle and pop to start, and sits next to me on the couch. I can smell the woodsmoke on him. Woodsmoke and cedar and milky tea. My instinct to bury my face in his neck is strong.

“I like this storm so far,” he says and puts his hand on my knee. I stare at his hand there for a second, considering the power it has to electrify me so casually, through denim, no less.

“Yes, I’ve had worse,” I say and trail my fingers over his knuckles. We’re just looking at each other and enjoying the crackle of energy that’s alive between us. I wonder if they can see it from space. “You didn’t tell me how the library was.”

“So many topics we haven’t covered today.” He entwines our fingers.

The front door opens, and it’s Connor and Marla with Sammy. The open door lets in the din of the storm. “Tree fell on the power lines on our street. Complete blackout,” Connor says.

Reenie takes Sammy by the hand. “Well, it looks like we’re going to have a big sleepover.”

“Thank you,” Marla says. She’s brought a tray of chicken that she’d been about to cook and puts it in the top rack of Reenie’s oven above my pie. Suddenly we are in a crowd. Sammy climbs on the couch between us. Katie is in my arms. Paula and Aidan are sharing an armchair. Marla has her feet on the coffee table, eyes closed and hands resting on her pregnant belly.

“So how are we all going to sleep?” Connor asks.

“I definitely need a bed,” Marla says. “I can sleep with you guys.”

“Great,” I say and don’t meet Dan’s eye.

After dinner, Reenie invites me to cut my pie. The first piece is tricky, but the rest come out fine. Reenie puts her arm around me and tells me I did a great job, and everyone around the table says how delicious it is. My smile could crack my face, and Dan is watching me. I think of what he said in the car, and I wonder if I’ll ever smile again without thinking of that.

*

WHEN I’VE BRUSHEDmy teeth, I find Marla asleep in my bed, which I get. I wouldn’t want a pregnant woman climbing up the ladder to the top bunk, and the bottom bunk probably feels claustrophobic. I climb up the little ladder at the foot of the bed and crawl up to the pillow.

Clem texts me back: What did he say about your smile

Me: Something really romantic, about how he likes seeing me happy

Clem: Jane

Clem: This is love talk

Me: Maybe?

Clem: Omg

Me: I know. I’m scared. He’s just the most deliciously no b.s. person, like all the way through

Clem: No b.s. is GOOD. You’re scared because it’s big. That’s okay! I’ve been waiting for this to happen. Never thought it would be man bun Dan, who knew. You have my full support

I’m still wide awake when Dan comes in. Standing, he’s level with my bunk.

“You’re okay up here?” he whispers.

“Yeah.” I turn on my side to face him.

“Okay.” And he’s not going anywhere. He just stands there with his face by mine in the darkness. “Sorry it’s such a zoo here.”

“I like this zoo.” He takes my hand and I lean in toward him. We are a right angle. I don’t know how I’m going to sleep if he doesn’t kiss me good night. Beneath us, Marla turns over in her sleep. Dan lets out a sigh. “Good night,” I say to keep myself from saying,I really, really like you. So much that my chest hurts.

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