Page 70 of It's a Love Story

“What’s happening right now? Don’t you dare take this back,” he says.

“Good one,” I say. It’s my post office voice—that’s how small and mean I am. I feel like I’ve let someone convince me there are unicorns, only to find out they were kidding. I am in free fall here, but I know one thing: there are no unicorns, especially not for me.

I start to walk again, through town and toward the house. The streets are quiet because the festival is still going on and I can hear his footsteps maybe ten feet behind me. He’s giving me space, which I appreciate, but he really has no idea how much space I’m capable of giving him.

CHAPTER 30

RUBYISCONKEDOUTINASLEEPINGBAGINTHELiving room. Cormack and Reenie are on the couch watchingSeinfeldreruns. There’s a little sunflower throw pillow between them, and their entwined hands are resting on it. I wonder if they even know that they’re holding hands after all of these years. I wonder if it ever surprises them, this need to be so close, or if they just thought this is what marriage is. I am awake enough to feel like their casual hand-holding is obnoxious.

“How did it go?” Reenie asks.

“Not so great,” Dan says before I can. “I think we’re going to go sit outside for a bit.”

“Actually, I think I’m going to go to bed,” I say. “But you go ahead.” He’s looking at me like he doesn’t recognize me, like I’m not the person he woke up with this morning. Which I’m not. At all. “I’m going to rebook myself on an early flight tomorrow too. So much regrouping to do. But thank you both for having me this week.” Ruby turns her head, and her black curls wiggle and then rest. The thoughts I’ve been entertaining about forever and a little girl with Dan’s coloring and my curls sit sour in my stomach. There’s another sentence I should say about the kids and the pie, but I can’t quite get it out.

Reenie and Cormack get up to hug me. Reenie takes me in her arms and I feel like a rag doll. I think of my mom, the fragile feel of the bones in her back under my hands in a lifetime of hugs and mistruths. This hug with Reenie is a new thing that suddenly feels dangerous, a window into something that I don’t get to keep.

“Well, we hope you’ll be back in the fall,” she says. “Or anytime. You’re always welcome. But the fall is lovely and less crowded.”

“She’ll come back when she wants,” Cormack says and pulls me into his arms. “I really hope you do.”

Dan’s got his hands in his pockets watching for my next move. I cannot believe I let myself get in this deep in the world of fairy tales and true love. It’s like I got drunk on that script and the din of Dan’s family. The warmth of his hand in mine.

I’m fiddling with Ruby’s bracelet, every possible color in no particular order, and I shake my head. “Well, good night. I’m going to head to bed. Thank you for everything.”

I lie heavy under the covers. My body feels like lead. I have a missed call from Clem and a text: Just checking in to see how it went? Did you see him and seal the deal?

I don’t even have the energy for Clem. I don’t want to hear what she’s going to say about my anger. I don’t want to tell her there’s no happy ending. So I turn to the wall and try to sleep.

CHAPTER 31

ILAND AT NOON AND GO STRAIGHT TO MY MOM’Shouse. I haven’t called Clem back because I know what she’ll say about all of this. I’m not ready to come clean about just how completely I’ve fallen apart; I’d rather be in a place where I know how to pretend.

My mom’s street is Sunday quiet. I have a key, but for some reason, I knock. My mom opens the door in her yellow duck pajamas, just like any other Sunday, but today there is a man in her kitchen cooking something in a pan.

“Jane!” She takes me in her arms. “I’m so happy to see you.” She pulls me into the apartment, which feels and smells different with this man here.

“Gary,” I say as he’s walking toward us.

He extends a hand. “So nice to meet you finally.”

I shake his hand. “Thank you. Hi.”

They’re smiling at me like this isn’t the weirdest thing ever. My mom gestures to me. “So come sit. I thought you were coming in later. Didn’t you say dinner?”

“I’m making omelets,” Gary says. “I’ve just caramelized the onions. Can I make you one?”

I blink. He’s a nice-looking fifty-year-old guy. He’s Gary who caramelizes things, and my mom is as light as a feather. “No, thank you,” I say.

Gary goes back into the kitchen, and we sit on her old sofa. I have never once in my life seen a man cook something for my mother. Not in thirty-three years. I take in her apartment as if for the first time, because we are in a new reality where my mom is living in the false paradise I’ve just run out on. The missing thing is not missing. I have a feeling in my body that I know is jealousy. Feeling jealous of my mother, whose life I ruined by being too brutal for her true love, is a new low.

She makes big eyes at me. “What do you think?”

“I think he’s caramelized you.” I’m trying for a joke, but I am so angry and hurt that it comes across sarcastic.

She puts her arm around me. “Tell me about your trip.”

“Why do you look so good?” I ask her. She looks how I felt just yesterday, sort of glowy and light.

---