Page 74 of It's a Love Story

“Yes, sorry. So I saw Jack and he’s a no. He’s not going to write us a song, wants no part in the movie. Honestly, I was a little desperate to get this green-lit and exaggerated the extent of our relationship. So it was probably never happening.” I pause and wait for some sort of admonishment. When I get none, I go on. “I have racked my brain and can’t come up with anything that makes this commercial enough for what you need, so I guess that’s it.”

Nathan sits back in his seat. “Fine. Let it go.”

“What?” I feel Ruby’s hand in mine, and my heart squeezes at the memory of her arms swirling through the air and the sweet sound of her singing voice. I spin the beads on my bracelet.

“The option, let it expire,” he says. “Find something else.”

Find something else. Like that’s an easy thing to do. Fly first class and then spend the rest of your life riding the bus. Meet a one-in-a-million guy and then get back out there and swipe for a partner with dental insurance.

“Are you all right?” Nathan’s asking me. “You seem a little out of it.”

“Do I? Sorry.” I look right and left and run my hands over my jeans. “The next script I bring your way will be chosen with an eye toward tigers and explosions.” The emptiness spreads inside me. This is not the work I want to be doing. Creating a bunch of nothing to try to get something.

“All right. Sounds like you get the assignment,” he says.

“I do.” I get up and head to the door, but stop and turn around. “Did you love the script?”

“I did.” He’s holding a sharpened pencil with both hands.

“Do you wish someone else would make it?” I ask. “Because I do. I’d just like to see it. Like it’s a movie I’d want to watch with my mom.”

“Our option’s expiring in a couple of months. Maybe someone will pick it up.”

CHAPTER 34

IGO BACK TO MY OFFICE, SHUT THE DOOR, AND SITunder my desk. I rest my head on my knees and feel the soft cotton of my jeans. I breathe in for five. It’s over. I breathe out for five. I breathe in for five again and take inventory. I spent a week in an alternate reality and, as payback, this under-desk reality is my future.

I have my copy ofTrue Storyon my knees. I’ll keep this copy forever, I think. There are notes in the margins and big exclamation points next to dialogue I’ve circled. I start to read the first scene so that I can see it play out in my mind.

The Finnegans’ world seems a million miles away. The orderly chaos. The way they all know each other and no one hides from who they are. The ribbing, gentle and not; the way Dan just says the thing without fear of recrimination. They tell the embarrassing story; they bully you into admitting you like the girl. I close my eyes and picture myself seated around their garden table, tethered to my seat by a sleeping baby and laughing over her heavy head.

I sit like this under my desk and eat two mini Krackel bars and read the rest of the script. At the end my hand is clenching my heart and my eyes are wet. I thought this movie was going to be my ticket to success, but really it was the key to another world. It’s a world where someone would know me anywhere, at any time. He’d know me with his whole body. I’ve banished myself from this world, but it was just a matter of time anyway.

The door to my office opens and Mandy says, “Jane?” Perfect.

I have no choice but to wipe the chocolate off my face with the back of my hand and crawl out from under my desk. “Sorry,” I say, getting up. “Just dropped something.”

“Okay?”

“So what’s going on?” I ask, wiping the back of my hand on my jeans.

“That’s what I was going to ask you. Good to see you taking a casual day.”

I look down at my jeans and don’t tell her that I forgot to get dressed.

“Yeah, so we’re not moving forward withTrue Story.”

“I’m sorry,” she says.

“It’s fine. I mean, it’s not fine. But . . .” I’m not sure what I’m trying to say. It’s as if I know this thing is dead but I’m not willing to bury it. “It drives me crazy to have this idea in my head of how that movie would be and how it would affect people and then not have any way to get it out.”

“What does Dan Finnegan say?”

“He doesn’t know yet.”

“Did you ever watch his movie?Grapevine?”

“No.” I want to roll my eyes, but they won’t roll. I just stare down at my desk.

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