Page 14 of Until My Last Breath

“I know some in my family might consider our alliance a social step down,” Darcy continued, oblivious to her agony. “But I cannot help it. I love you, Elizabeth. I have loved you for a long time, but only recently have I fully comprehended the depth of my feelings. So, I came here to see you, to pour out my heart and to beg you.” He approached her, gentlyresting his hands on her shoulders. “Please, consent to be my wife. Marry me.”

Elizabeth kept her back to him, paralysed, sinking and drowning into her inner turmoil. Could it be possible that all this time his stares, his stiffness… were signs of a man in love?

Confused beyond words, she turned and looked back at him, as if seeing him for the first time, and in his eyes, she found the truth. The same eyes that had followed her in Hertfordshire, at their dance at the ball, yesterday in the mud — and now.

A sharp pang cut her heart, and she raised her hand to her chest.Mr Darcy loves me!His warm hands on her arms and his loving eyes on her should be proof enough.

But his words about her family echoed in her mind once again, reviving the pain of that day at the ball. Imagining what he could think of her family, even hearing it from the colonel’s mouth was quite different from hearing it from his own lips; “my family might consider our alliance a social step down”. She knew he was from a far superior circle, but to constantly remind her of that was not the most appealing gestures. Quite the contrary; it just showed his ever-present condescension.

She could not look at him and turned away again.

Her hands started to tremble, and she shook her head in an attempt to keep her temper. All in vain. A wave of blind anger washed away any sensible thought and all her previous prejudice against him resurfaced with such strength that she could have vomited it.

Only a proud and arrogant man would assume he could know about her feelings; to believe she was pining for him! Even if there was a grain of truth in his words, who was he to talk to her in such a patronizing way?

“… you do not need to worry…”

She could not think well of him. Not anymore.

Inhaling loudly, and gathering all her courage, she forced herself to face him, and reply in the most civil way she could muster. “I cannot deny the honour of your offer, sir, but I cannot accept it. I do not desire to expose you and your family to the derision of society with a closerelationship with me or my family. I hope you can soon change your mind, especially consid—”

“What? Why you are saying these things?” Darcy interrupted in horror. “I would never consider our marriage a reason for the derision of society.”

He desperately tried to take her hands, to make sense of her words. But this time, she held her hands away from him.

“My God, Elizabeth! I only mentioned those things to show that I had overlooked our differences, and this was not an easy task. It took me many months to finally understand that those things mean nothing to me, if only I could have you by my side.”

“Do you think it would be possible for me to accept a man whose opinion of my family is so low?” Elizabeth replied, her eyes full of tears. “What do you expect from me? To abandon my family and rejoice in the love of a man who sees himself above people who do not belong to his own circle in society?” She put a hand over her mouth to stop herself from crying. “I cannot understand. Firstly, you offended me. Then, you treated me with consideration, and then you changed again and left. Now this? How can you come here today and propose marriage? How can I take your proposal seriously if you keep changing your behaviour? How can I trust you will still love me after some months of marriage? Besides, my family will still be the same. Nothing can change that. What will you do then?”

Her pain became clear to Darcy. He tried to approach her again, chastising himself. He had never told her how much she meant to him. “Elizabeth, please, let me—”

“No!” she shouted, raising her hand to stop him. “I do not want to hear your excuses. What does it matter if a lady is kind and beautiful when she has an embarrassing family? Do you think I ignore what your friend had done, Mr Darcy? My poor sister…” Elizabeth stopped as she finally broke into sob. “She is the most selfless person I have ever known, and your friend snubbed her — because of our family. Do you think I could ever accept the hand of a man who calls such man a friend? You are just like him, if not worse.”

Darcy’s eyes widened. “You certainly cannot blame me for my friend’s poor attitude,” he retorted. “How can you compare me to him? Bingley falls in and out of love as often as he changes his clothes. But I am the one here, asking for your hand in marriage. I am the one overlooking all those barriers, family or not, and deciding they are not enough inducement to keep me away from you. Can you not see it? I love you, Elizabeth. Those things do not matter to me — not anymore.”

For a moment, he thought she would relent; see reason. In the silence of the room, only their ragged breathing denounced their distress.

Elizabeth brought both hands to her face and desperately tried to control her sobs.

He loves me. Oh, good Lord. Is it really true?

But another shadow filled her mind, and again his behaviour at the ball came to her mind.

“And what about Mr Wickham?” she asked in a grim tone. Why a simple question about this man could incite so much ire in Mr Darcy? “How can you defend yourself against the cruelty you have inflicted on him? Was it just because he was the son of your steward?”

“So, is that what he is saying about me now?” Darcy’s countenance changed drastically, all his pain turning into anger. “I would not believe everything he says, Miss Elizabeth.”

“He never gave me reason to doubt his word. He never disdained anyone nor was he contradictory in his attitudes. He was always kind and—”

“What? Kind?” Darcy chuckled mirthlessly. “Are we still talking about the same man? Elizabeth, how can you be so blind?”

“Perhaps because of his humble position in society, he is able to see the real person beyond appearances and situation in life, and you cannot. I do not believe you proposed to me because of love, but because you cannot bear to be denied anything you want; I saw that in your eyes yesterday. I wonder what you really have in mind, sir. You accused your friend of being inconstant, but what about you? Today you say you love me. But what about in some months? Will you marry me and then once used, throwme away and find your pleasure in the arms of another?”

Her words reached its target like a dagger in the hands of a trained assassin. He looked around, as if searching for a way to rip out that agony, struggling even to breathe, horrified by her assumptions. He felt humiliated having professed his love and being so cruelly rejected.

“So, this is what you think of me,” he whispered, staring at her with so much pain that for the first time since the beginning of their argument, Elizabeth knew her loose tongue had taken her too far.

She turned her face from him, unable to see his grief.

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