Page 24 of Cross Her Heart

‘Make sure you do from now on,’ I say.

‘I probably took it myself,’ Penny mutters. ‘Brain like a sieve these days. Bloody hormones.’

As she walks away, I see Julia heading over to the photocopier. Penny smiles at her; a warm expression of open fondness. Julia, the new golden girl. I should say something. I really should.

‘You okay?’ Marilyn asks.

‘Oh, it’s nothing,’ I say. ‘Just trying to figure out what to cook for tea.’

‘Rock’n’roll, Lisa.’ She grins at me. ‘Our lives are so rock’n’roll.’

I stare at my computer screen and force deep breaths into my lungs. It’s all too much. The world is starting to choke me, fingers tightening around my throat.

23

AVA

It’s been weird since the thing at the river, but I have to admit, the attention has been nice. Better still, I look okay in most of the pictures printed, which is a major result. My Facebook has gone crazy. So many new friend requests – seems like everyone at KEGS wants to know me now – and there are so many posts about how great I am. A little bit of me is pissed off the exams are over and so I can’t go into school and revel in all this glory, even though I know that’s really shallow.

The only person not fawning all over me is Courtney. He’s gone a little cool and I think he’s sussing out that I’m going to ditch him. Or maybe he’s jealous of all the attention I’m getting.

Maybe that’s why Mum’s being a bit of a moody cow too. Could she be jealous?Hetells me she’s a drain on me. That she’s selfish to want me to stay her baby forever. He says she’s dragging me down and I shouldn’t pander to her. I think maybe he’s right. He’s been amazing though. He said he wasn’t surprised at what I did at all because he knows that’s the kind of woman I am. Brave and strong and beautiful, and he’s such a lucky man to have me. He called me awoman.

It makes me shiver to think about it. Not a girl any more. A woman. His woman. I’m the lucky one. When he calls me beautiful, I feel it. Normally, if someone pays me a compliment it has the opposite effect. I feel clumsy and awkward and so aware of all the things that are wrong with me. Not when he does it, though. Perhaps that’s what love really is. And in a few days I’m going to see him! I can’t wait. I’m so excited. There’s just one other thing to sort out beforehand.

I stare down at the Boots bag on my bed. I should do it. Maybe after tea. It’s not going to be positive, that would be crazy, but still there’s a nugget of fear in my stomach. I’ll feel better when it’s done and Iknoweither way. And as Jodie says, even if itispositive – please God don’t let it be positive – it can be sorted out.Taken care of. At least it’s the summer holidays. If I need an abortion I can do it while Mum’s at work. She’ll never know.

24

LISA

‘I couldn’t get hold of you. Your phone’s going straight to answerphone. Richard’s out for an hour doing a quote, so I thought I’d pop over.’

I can’t decide if I’m happy to see her or not. I’ve just finished washing the dinner plates after a less than pleasant chicken salad with Ava, who grunted answers to my questions and has now locked herself away in her room, her friends no doubt on their way over, only ever fleeting figures on the stairs. I’m not sure I have the energy for Marilyn now. I’m emotionally exhausted. It takes everything I have to stay in this state of nervous anxiety alert.

‘What’s up?’ I ask, boiling the kettle.

‘Nothing’s up with me.’ She slings her bag over the corner of a chair before flopping into it. ‘But you were a bit off this afternoon. Something on your mind?’

I can feel her eyes on my back as I busy my hands getting mugs and tea bags and milk. I have to tell hersomething. She knows me too well if also not at all. She knows my tics. I need to give her something and I can’t tell her about my worries from the weekend so I choose the lesser of two evils.

‘I think I know who took the petty cash.’

Her eyes widen. ‘Who?’

I pour the hot water and join her at the table.

‘Julia,’ I say. ‘It’s Julia.’

For a moment Marilyn says nothing, and then she exhales loudly. ‘I should have known. The way she’s always sucking up to Penny with little gifts for the office, or cakes for everyone. How did you find out?’

‘I got in to work early today.’ I’ve been in early every day since the weekend. Anything is better than lying awake with all my worries and it’s not like I have to get Ava up for school now the exams are done. ‘Sorting out the details for the Manning contracts. When I got there, she was coming out of Penny’s office. I startled her.’

‘Did she say what she was doing?’

‘Putting some invoices on her desk.’

‘Maybe she was?’

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