Page 51 of Insomnia

“Hey,” he says. “Look, I can’t really talk now but—”

“Are you at home? Is Phoebe there?” I’m too sharp—hysterical—but I can’t help it.

“No to both. I’m at the park with Will. I’ll call you later. Or tomorrow. This isn’t—”

“I don’t want her in my house, Robert. Tell me you won’t have her in our house. She’s a liar. I know she is. I don’t want her near Will—” I can hear myself and nothing is coming out right, just a splurge of paranoid ranting. I know I should be calm, reasoned, but I can’t. “She’s frightening him. She’s telling him things.”

“Stop it, Emma!” he snaps, sharp, irritated, before calming down and speaking quietly. “Stop it.” Has he stepped away from Will? I imagine my little boy, wondering what the hell is going on. Where his mummy is. Why his parents are fighting. It breaks my heart.

“Will isn’t afraid of Phoebe, Emma.”

“You don’t know that—he’s only little—he might not want to say—”

“He’s not afraid of her. He’s afraid of you.” He pauses. “And right now, I don’t blame him.” He says it with such a cold disgust and finality that I feel like my breath has been punched out of me.

I hang up. What am I supposed to do now? Maybe I should drive to the house and wait for them. I want to see Will. If I’m honest, I want to grab him and run. Take him and run from Phoebe and my insomnia and Robert and everything that’s making me afraid. He feels so far away from me, and that makes me fear for him more. I’m not a threat to Will, I don’t care what theysay. But I can’t shake that something is. My nighttime fears are leaking into my daytimes as my dreaded birthday creeps closer. It’s not me though. I’m not the thing my child is afraid of. I throw my phone into the footwell, full of rage and frustration, and head back to the city. I am not.

42.

“She’s out to get me. I’m sure of it. Phoebe’salwaysbeen jealous of me, right from when we were little.”

“Why don’t you sit down? Please?” Caroline says. “I need to just finish this work text.”

She was surprised to see me—or was that shock—at her door again, carrying fish and chips and two bottles of wine, I could see that, but she still let me in as I garbled an apology for being back so soon.

“I can’t, I’m too wired.” I take another large sip of the wine. I’m nearly a glass down already and I’ve only been here five minutes, ranting about what Phoebe had done at Hartwell. I wait while she finishes with her phone and then sits herself, carefully unwrapping one parcel of food.

“I can’t believe I didn’t see it before,” I continue, ranting as much to myself as to her as I refill my glass. “Of course, she wasn’t visiting our mother out of any sort of forgiveness. How did I believe that? Because she’s always been able to make me feel guilty, that’s how. Ever since that night. God knows what Mum was planning to do to me after suffocating Phoebe, but my sister’s never forgiven me for not being the one she tried to kill first, even though I’m the one who saved her. Or at least if it wasn’t for me, our mother wouldn’t have stopped. I was five. I could have just run away, but Ididn’t. I went upstairs to get Phoebe. Not that she’s ever acknowledged that.” I look at Caroline for a response.

“Sometimes it’s difficult to say things like that aloud,” she says, eventually. “And maybe she felt ashamed for having bad feelings.”

“You’re sounding like a psychiatrist.”

“Carry on. Get it all off your chest.”

As if I need any encouragement. “Then she was jealous that there was a nice family who wanted me when we were in foster care. They were going to adopt me. They changed their minds, but the damage was done by then. It wasn’t my fault no one would keep her. She had issues. She was older, and so moody and angry. But none of that was my fault. Webothgot moved around, not just her. The difference between us is that I worked hard for everything I had. Phoebe never tried hard enough. And there was the thing with Robert. I mean, at the time she said she didn’t care, she even laughed about it.”

Caroline looks at me quizzically. “What thing with Robert?”

“It sounds worse than it was, but Phoebe knew Robert before I did. I mean, barely, but yeah, but she dated him first. Only a couple of times, nothing serious.” I stop pacing, take another long drink, and lean on the table.

“But I’ve been thinking aboutwhy now. Why would Phoebe suddenly turn up and want to hurt me now? And then it struck me. Me and Phoebe have both always been worried about what happened to our mother repeating itself with one of us. It’s in our blood, that’s what our mum said. Her great-aunt ended up in an asylum. And she used to say I’d go mad like her.

“But what ifPhoebewent crazy on her fortieth? She disappeared off on a retreat and I’ve barely seen her since then. Maybe this has been a simmering plan in her head? How do I knowshedidn’t suffocate my mother? Last I saw her, she was heading out of the ward with a nurse, and she told me she was going home fora while, but maybe she didn’t? Maybe she waited, saw me leaving, and then took the opportunity to kill our mother herself?”

“But Emma—” Caroline’s eyes widen, but I don’t stop.

“Don’t you see? That way it would have looked likeIdid it. And on top of all that stuff she was saying to her at Hartwell—I should call the police really. Let them know theydohave another suspect.”

“Devil’s advocate here again,” Caroline cuts in. “But you have only an inmate’s word for that. Do you know anything about this Sandra’s mental health problems? Does she hallucinate, for example?”

“I don’t know. But she was so, well, normal. And why would she lie?”

“Hallucinating isn’t lying. She might think that’s what she saw. And if she was fond of your mother, maybe she was a bit jealous? I’m not saying it didn’t happen, I’m just pointing out that it’s not the most reliable evidence. You’re better at least to wait until your friend Darcy has got evidence of you leaving the hospital and then you’re in the clear yourself.”

I feel deflated as I realize she has a point.

“And I know I asked if you thought she might have slashed your tire,” she continues, “but this is quite a step further from a jealous sister having a moment.”

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