Page 30 of We Live Here Now

“I’ve always wanted kids,” Freddie says. “A wife and a family. Old-fashioned maybe, but we’ve been working toward that.” He looks down and I think for a moment that he’s going to tell them about the miscarriage, but he doesn’t. “Although getting Emily over her horrific accident has been our main concern.” He squeezes my knee and I take his hand, feeling a sudden rush of affection for him. I don’t want other people to know. I can’t bear their sympathy messed up with my own guilt.

“Speaking of horrors,” Joe says. “How’s the house? Any more strange feelings?”

“Oh, let’s not talk about that, please.” I don’t look at Freddie as my neck prickles with embarrassment. “I feel silly. It’s my imagination, I’m sure. Apparently odd things can happen after sepsis. The brain chemistry inside needs to settle down or something.”

“I don’t believe in ghosts myself.” Joe’s looking into the last of his red wine. “Other than the ones we carry with us.” He looks up and smiles, as if it’s a joke, but something about it makes me shiver, even as Freddie and Sally laugh.

“The house needs some life, that’s all. You should have a party,” Sally says. “The vicar knows anyone worth knowing; he can help you invite people. Cheer the place up.”

“That could be fun,” Joe says from behind a cloud of smoke. “I don’t believe in going back to previous homes, but I could make an exception in this case. I’m curious to see the Lodge again after all this time. And never let it be said that Joe Carter says no to a party. My professional reputation is at stake.”

“Could be a nice idea.” Freddie nods.

“We can invite our London friends too.” I’m not sure I have a party in me, but now that Sally and Joe have suggested it, it feels like a done deal, and if I’m going to meet a bunch of new people, I want my oldest friends around me.

“So what’s the magic to such a long and happy marriage?” Freddie asks when we’ve finished our coffees and straightened out a bit. “You two seem to have it nailed. How do you stay so close?”

“It hasn’t always been perfect,” Sally says. “I had to get used to Joe’s work, so many women. But suddenly it all clicked and we’ve never looked back. I can’t imagine life without him. He’s my world.”

“And Sally is the perfect wife.”

“True love, huh?” Freddie smiles.

“Something like that. You have to be prepared to work at it.”

My thighs prickle against my seat, and I’m sure Freddie feels as uncomfortable as I do. The way we’ve been so snipy at each other hasn’t been good. So what if he doesn’t believe me that there’s something odd in the house? I haven’t really given him any proof, and of course he’s going to worry about the sepsis stuff. The other way around, I’d be the same.

“Marriage is teamwork,” Freddie says, looking my way, and we smile at each other. I do love him. I do. I love him very much.

37

Emily

“I’m really sorry about this morning, Em.” As we get in the car, I can tell from his face that he means it. He’s almost forlorn. Ashamed of himself. “And last night. I don’t know why I was so shitty. Whatever is or isn’t going on in the house it’s obviously freaking you out a bit and I need to be more respectful of that. Especially as you’ve been on your own there for a few days.”

His hand reaches across for mine and I take it. This is my Freddie. This is my husband. My heart lifts again, and I feel as bad as he does. “I’m sorry too. I know you worry about me. And I know you called Dr. Canning with the best of intentions.”

Away from the house, full of great food and with a warming wine buzz, once again I’m second-guessing myself. Were there letters in the mirror? Was it my imagination? Maybe Ishouldgo and see Dr. Canning. Getmorepills.

“But is everything okay withyou?” I hold his hand, enjoying the familiar feel of him. “You’re not normally so snappy.”

“Stuff at work. The new boss is constantly in my inbox even though I’m moving branches.” He looks the other way as we pull back onto the lane. “I need to manage it better. Especially on weekends. I shouldn’t take it out on you.”

I look at the passing moors, so barren even in the sunshine. I can’t warm to them, and I don’t think I ever will. The isolation and unforgiving nature of this place frightens me. I miss the city, I realize, with its constant noise and people. Safety and freedom of numbers. I miss my friends too. Before my accident, Cat, Iso, and I were constantly WhatsApping one another. If not every day, thennever more than a couple of days without a ping. But I guess that fell by the wayside for them when I was in the hospital and it’s hard to pick up again. Especially with me just hanging around at home so far away. No drinks after work, no gossip, nobuzz.

Ahead the house looms into view, alone on its hilltop, patiently waiting for our return. “They’re very happy, aren’t they, Sally and Joe?” Freddie adds from nowhere, thoughtfully.

“They certainly look that way. And she doesn’t seem at all bothered about all those women’s vaginas everywhere.” We laugh again and I squeeze Freddie’s hand. “We’re happy too, aren’t we?”

“God, of course, yes. Always.” He sounds so surprised that I’m even asking. “Especially now that you’re home and well.” He grins at me and winks. Not the Hollywood star–style of wink that Joe probably has, but it has a charm of its own. “And when we get inside, Mrs. Bennett, I’m going to show you just how happy I am.”

“Oh really?”

“Really.”

Suddenly it’s like the old days, theearlydays, way back when we first met and impulsive afternoon sex was something we thought we’d never stop doing. Back when we couldn’t get enough of each other. We are okay. We will be okay.

There’s nothing wrong with the house, I tell myself as Freddie unlocks the door, and I follow him in over the threshold, already eager to get upstairs and get our clothes off. It’s just me. It’s all in my head.

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