Page 131 of Get Me to the Starting Line

Levi has been especially quiet tonight, watching the kids run around with a concentration not typical of his age. No matter how much I try to get him to play, he’s content to sit on the deck and blow bubbles with me.

His stuffed “woo” sits in a stranglehold under his arm, where it’s been ever since Julien gave it to him.

Even though it’s July, the temperature is mild, warm with a nice breeze coming off the bay. Adam and Paige’s house is the perfect place for our gathering, the crooked deck he and his siblings built big enough for the whole family to sit and eat on while the kids and dogs run around in the yard. Simon and Jake’s six-year-old even spotted a whale going by.

It’s another world here. Even though I’ve lived in Vancouver for almost two years, it still feels surreal sometimes. I’ve never beenanywhere outside Utah and some of the neighbouring states, so this is the most exotic place I’ve ever been.

Travelling makes me nervous. So many things could go terribly wrong. And whenever Ian wanted to go somewhere, he did a boys’ trip instead, insisting he didn’t want me to worry.

More like he didn’t want me to ruin whatever he had planned.

There’s another thing about travelling: the planning. The trip to Vegas took so much time to plan, trying to figure out all the logistics of herding ten people around and making sure we would all have a good time. And while I love a good itinerary, it was a lot of work.

We haven’t been back for long, but real life sunk back in and now it’s all a dream, like someone else lived in my body for the weekend. The woman who lives in Vancouver definitely didn’t run a half marathon. The woman who lives here didn’t have the best sex of her life with the man she loves.

I might be able to convince myself it was just a dream if Paige and Adam could stop bugging me about it, asking ridiculous questions like, “are you dating?” or “do you want to have a double wedding?”

And the dreams. The dreams don’t help one bit. Nor does the moment where I wake up in the morning and reach for him, expecting him to be there. He never is. Every day, I have to wrestle with the urge to call him.

And today?

Today I’m acting like a psychotic hockey fan, constantly checking the stats on trades. It’s contract day or something. I don’t know. Adam explained it to me, but he’s unaware of Julien’s plans or whether the Whales plan to extend his contract.

I’ve been a nervous wreck. Even baking four pies wasn’t enough to calm my nerves. The run I went on this morning was useless because I associate running with Julien, and he wasn’t out on the paths today. So not only can I not stop thinking about him, I’m also worried.

I cannot text him. I can’t sway him any more than I probably already have. I’m not naive enough to believe I’m not going to be a factor in his decision. If it was the other way around, I’d one hundred percent consider him. How could I not? But I don’t want to be the whole reason he stays.

I want to ask him to stay.

But if I’m the reason he stays, then I’m the reason he’s decided to retire, even though he was thinking about it before he met me.

A scream of delight pierces through my muddled thoughts. Simon and Jake’s kids are chasing their dads around the yard, screaming in laughter.

Liam is tossing his three-year-old up high in the air. My heart clenches at the height before he safely catches her.

Simon’s two-year-old falls down and starts crying for his dad. Levi watches with rapt attention, his shrewd eyes taking everything in.

A big, bushy body comes to sit beside Levi, and the big Newfoundlander snuggles under Levi’s tight grip, trying to get at his wolf.

“Penny, back off,” Adam orders the dog. She looks at him with big sad eyes but he shakes his head. Q comes up behind her and barks. Penny slinks off with an even bushier Q close behind.

“Unbelievable,” Adam mutters, coming to sit beside me. “Penny listens to Q more than she does me.”

I laugh because it’s true. I’ve seen it so many times. Penny is so unruly, but Q helps keep her in line.

“Just wait until there are little Harrison-Ashford babies running around. Then you’ll be in real trouble.”

Adam laughs, his gaze flicking over to Paige with a wistful look. “Don’t I know it.”

“The invitations went out okay?” I ask, knowing he’ll know the answer, probably more than Paige.

“Yeah, the stationery designer sent us everything before we left for Vegas, and we sent them out right when we got back.”

I’m still recovering from the stag and doe weekend. With their wedding in four months, it’s coming up fast. There’s so much to do, so much to plan for.

Adam interrupts my mental list prep. “Isabel is complaining about her plus-one.”

That doesn’t surprise me at all. She was adamant she wanted to go solo to the wedding, insisting she doesn’t need a date.

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