Page 133 of Get Me to the Starting Line

Something distracts her and her face morphs into surprise at something behind us. Adam and I turn to see Julien carrying a bowl of what looks like salad over to Maggie. He leans down and kisses her cheek, speaking so low I can’t hear. My body trembles.

Actually physically shaking.

“Is this good news or bad news?” I whisper to Adam.

“I have no idea,” he says quietly.

Not helpful.

“You okay?” he asks.

I nod and he gives me a little squeeze before he stands and goes over to Julien. Levi notices the new arrival and drops his bottle of bubbles, spilling it all over the deck as he runs to Julien.

“Woo!” he calls.

Julien turns to my son and gives him a huge smile when Levi throws himself at his bare leg. Adam says something to Julien, who gives a small shake of his head. I have no idea what that means.

I can’t take it. I have to tear my eyes away from him. He hasn’t glanced at me once. Not a good sign. He’s avoiding me.

I kick myself for assuming and remind myself that Julien is a quiet man who doesn’t love to show emotions in public. Maybe he’ll pull me aside later to speak with me privately.

Break my heart where no one can see.

Paige and Isabel beckon me over and I reluctantly drag myself to them, knowing they want to talk all things Julien. I shake my head before they can ask if I know what’s going on. Paige hugs me big and quick before almost getting knocked over by her dogs. We bend down to love on the big floofs. I love the way their silky coats feel.

Even though I’m not really an animal person, I love these dogs. Especially Q, who Paige tried to gift as a puppy to our mom. She’s impossible.

It happens in slow motion. One minute Levi is attached to Julien’s leg, the next he’s running after Bond, the grey cat Adam secretly adopted. His quick little toddler steps are so cute, but also unpractised.

The deck is built wonky and uneven. Levi trips, launching forward and falling flat on his face. I’m halfway to him when he looks up in shock. I see it, he’s going to start crying.

He wails, but uses his hands to get up, his eyes searching. I’m almost there when he turns and runs to Julien.

“Dada, dada,” he cries.

I stop dead, frozen in my tracks as a chill runs down my spine. Julien doesn’t miss a beat. He crouches down and scoops Levi into his arms, hugging him close and muttering to him.

Probably in French.

My breathing is deep, or shallow—honestly, I can’t tell. My world was balanced on the edge of a knife, and it just fell one way. Levi called Julien “dada.”

All day, he’s been watching the other kids call for their moms and dads. I watched him watch them, wondering what was going on in his mind. And it’s playing out before me now.

Levi holds his hands to show where he’s hurt. Julien places a kiss on each palm and then rubs their noses together. When Levi holds out “woo” to him, Julien kisses each paw dutifully. Because of course he does.

It’s too much. I can’t watch this. But I can’t go into the house through the back patio door because Julien is standing right there.

I turn on my heel and flee so no one can see the tears spilling down my face.

Myheadsnapsupwhen Leah’s back turns and she rushes off around the house.

I haven’t processed what just happened. All I know is Levi was hurt and came running towards me. I automatically picked him up to soothe him. I think he said “dada,” but I could’ve hallucinated that. Until he says it right into my chest where his head rests.

Fuck.

My heart pulls towards the little guy in my arms and the woman who’s getting farther and farther away from me. I look around and see Paige already watching me, tears falling down her cheeks. Why is she crying? And smiling?

She comes over and takes the struggling toddler from my arms. My focus turns back to Levi, worried about leaving him when he needs me.

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