Page 115 of Never Left You

I turned, catching a small glance at Abi with Charming in the field behind the arena, and my heart stirred. I hated that anger was flowing through me. Anger in seeing Carolyn after years. Seeing her with kids, knowing that she created one of them while I was close to giving up.

Does she know the real reason why I left you?

I hated thatthatwas a reason why.

Of course she would bring that up. Twice. Stopping, I closed my eyes tightly, forcing the words not to sting. That small fact had never bothered me before now. Not that I didn’t want to have a family. I never thought I wouldn’t be able to.

My accident stopped more than my riding. The prospect of me giving any woman kids was pretty much ripped away. It wasn’t a known fact; it wasn’t a ‘Cash Callahan you can no longer have children’ type thing…but the chances of it were slim. After my surgeries, the doctors discovered what had happened and told us that little tidbit. They went into specifics, but mainly it landed on complications from the fall and injuries sustained to my body. That’s all that Carolyn heard. I couldn’t give her a baby. That made me even weaker in her eyes.

I remember when I was told. I nodded, not really caring in the moment that another surgery was needed, that medication would be added to my daily routine, because kids were so far from my radar. I wanted to ride. I wanted to compete. I remember looking at Carolyn, thinking did I even want kids with her? Did I want kids at all? If I was honest with myself, back then, the answer was a resounding no.

Now?

I wasn’t broken anymore.

I took one last glance at Carolyn as she shimmied away and then shut the trailer door, locking it from the outside. The anger still festered deep in my bones, but as she got further from me, it lessened. And the moment I started walking towards Abi, it all but evaporated.

And then it was replaced.

But not with what I wanted it to be replaced with.

Fear.

It was always more fear.

That fear would never leave me, would it?

I was certain now, especially after last night, that she was my future. I’d keep her as long as I could, but I also knew that she and Sylas planned to have a big family. They had all the S names picked out and were even planning on trying for baby number two right before he died. She wanted that family, and I would give anything to have one with her…

But would this coming to light put a damper into what we were growing together? Would it be a deal breaker for her?

I leaned against the fence to the field, watching as she led Charming in circles, the horse bobbing his head with happiness. Abi smiled and mimicked his movements slightly. I chuckled, watching her bob her head in unison, and when she stopped, he turned, nudging her with his nose. Once Abi saw me, a sweet smile spread across her lips. She tilted her head before turning back to Charming. The sun hit her just right, and she glowed.

That smile. That glow. That was my future.

I could only hope I was hers as well.

Thirty-Five

Abi

IcouldseeCarolynup in the announcer’s box, two kids with her, her pink dress making her stand out more than the other people that surrounded her. I was trying hard to not let the presence of Cash’s ex-wife get to me, after all it was my hand he was holding onto, my lips he was kissing, but it still irked me the way she acted.

Who the hell acts like that? She knew Sylas had passed; she was there the day it happened. She came into the arena when she decided that Cash was taking too long. She saw me holding him.She was there when he was loaded up onto the ambulance. She knew very well that he was gone.

Then there was the ‘how many kids do you two have’ statement. What thehell?I hadn’t thought about having more kids in…well…since Sylas died. He and I wanted more, sure, but I was happy and content with Stetson. Especially if Cash was willing to join us, I would have everything I needed with just them. When I asked weeks ago if he wanted kids, his answer was ‘it wasn’t in the cards.’ I assumed that meant she didn’t want children. I know the subject of kids has ended many relationships—but was it their reasoning? I hadn’t pried into the matter of Carolyn since we danced, since our first kiss. He talked about her a few times, then there was the possibility of her blocking my phone number…but I had decided that in the long run that didn’t matter. I wanted to move forward with him. Thinking about Carolyn wasn’t moving forward.

And now Cash just seemed tense. Even though his hand was laced with mine, and every now and then he would reach over and kiss my temple, there was still a barrier that wasn’t there before. I wasn’t sure how to break it, and I was blaming the platinum blonde up in the box.

Thankfully, the tie down roping event was able to pull my attention from the pink dress in the arena to the dirt.

“I wish that was Rhett,” I leaned over and told Cash. “He shouldn’t have taken the year off to date Kyla. They could have gone on rodeo dates.”

Cash squeezed my hand, his jaw tight, lasered focused on the arena. I watched him, studying his eyes as they moved, following the cowboy, then the calf as it was free…then up to the box? Was he looking for Carolyn?

“Maybe next year we can travel with him while he goes out. I mean, I know he’s talked about not participating in as many, but it would be fun. And maybe we can bring Stetson along?”I smiled, hoping to catch his attention, resting my chin on his shoulder.

He nodded, keeping his focus away from me.

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