Page 55 of Never Left You

I waited until the door was shut before I let out the breath I didn’t know was lodged in my chest.

“Are you ok?” she asked, her voice soft—caring—almost like a mother.

“I’m really tired of people asking me that,” I admitted.

“Who else has asked you that?”

“Since Stetson pulled his disappearing act?” I raised an eyebrow at her.

“OK, fair. But seriously, what’s going on?”

“Would you believe me if I said I didn’t know?”

“Yes,” Kyla said simply. “But I think you need to elaborate.”

If only I knew how to.

Taking a deep breath, I willed the words to form.

I told her everything. Cash and Sylas being friends, how we met, how he and Stetson were close, and how he was basically a part of the family. I even told her every detail about Carolyn and how she never accepted us though we tried. The entire time I spoke, I circled the kitchen, my hands moving and my breaths unsteady as they both tried to catch up with my mind. It was a rapid fire of information, but Kyla listened. I hadn’t told this story in so long, no one really truly knew the details, yet here I was pouring it all out in the open, the weight of it all lifting from my shoulders and being replaced with something else…a different weight. One I still wasn’t sure I wanted to feel.

“He was here you know…the day Sylas died.” I forced my voice to calm as Kyla’s eyes widened, but I carried on, almost like nothing could stop me from word vomiting all over. “When he fell off the bull Cash was the one to call 911, and he was the one who came to the hospital with Wyatt and me. He was the one to tell me Sylas was gone.” I inhaled, my hands doing the motion of ‘breathe in, breathe out,’ before I began again.

“And then…” I placed my hands on the island once more to steady myself and looked at Kyla. “Well, he vanished. He didn’tanswer any of my phone calls, none of my texts, and he stopped coming by. Suddenly, two of the most important people in my life were gone, and all I could do was pour myself into this ranch and being a mom to stop thinking about losing my husband and my friend. I couldn’t be sad. The only one who ever saw me break was Wyatt, and even then, it was once at the hospital. But that’s why he’s not keen on Cash—he saw the hurt he caused, and he saw how I broke.”

“Abi,” Kyla’s soft voice carried in the air between us. I simply waved her off.

“It’s okay. If anything, pretending to move on helped me…move on.” I rolled my eyes at myself. “I mean, I haven’t because I’m still pouring myself into the ranch, but then when I finally feel like I’m getting a hold of thing, he appears. And Kyla…”

“You hate him.”

“Yes. No.” I groaned. “I don’t know. I love having my old friend back. I want to let him in and go back to how things were. And now, my stomach will flip when I see him, and I’m not quite sure what to do with that feeling. So, I remind myself that he’s telling me I can call him, I can text him that he never left, but then I do call him, and he doesn’t answer. I text him and he never looks at the message. Then he shows up in the stable right when Stetson needs him, and I can’t be mad because he’s comforting my son and then he helps me find the damn horse and just knowsexactlywhat to say to push my buttons and then he gives me these looks…” At this point I was rambling—no periods or commas needed here. I couldn’t stop the words from falling from my lips. I still didn’t know how to piece everything together. I never had issues voicing my emotions. Or was that because I never voiced them? I bit my bottom lip to shut myself up. “I want to be mad at him,” I said once I finally caught my bearings. “But it’s very hard to be. Kyla, I cannot control myemotions right now, and I need you to tell me to hate him so it can go back to normal.”

Kyla’s eyes met mine for a moment, her brows furrowed as the worried expression took over her face. “Abi, have you ever considered seeing a therapist?”

I jerked back. “That’s not going to help meright now. I needyouto tell me to stop.”

“I see a therapist, and it helps. She’s helped me deal with what happened with David and get grounding exercises. She’s even seen Rhett and me a few times and—”

“Kyla,” I interrupted her. “I’m not against therapy, I just don’t need therapy.”

“I’m a firm believer that everyone can benefit from therapy.” Her eyes met mine once more, compassion flooding them. “Abi, I can’t be the one to tell you to hate him. There’s a lot to unpack there—Sylas, Cash showing up, these new feelings—”

I waved a hand in front of her again. “No, no new feelings are there—just—tell me to hate him.”

She shook her head. “I don’t think I can do that Abi.”

“Why not?”

“Because…you’re saying things that make me think you don’t hate him, that therearenew feelings whether you like it or not.”

“Like…” I edged her on, hoping she’d enlighten me.

“Your stomach flips? You love that he’s here. He’s there for Stetson and says all the right things…”

I shook my head rapidly. She had a point, one that I wasn’t ready to accept. “I just hate feeling this way. I don’t like being angry.”

“Then don’t be mad at him anymore.” Kyla leaned against the counter.

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