Page 74 of Never Left You

No.

“No…” I whispered. “This….I can’t…”

I couldn’t form the words. I wanted to kiss him, but I wanted to yell, to scream. I wanted to wrap myself in his arms and just….

Forget.

But the urge to scream was louder.

I used my weight to push him, watching as he stumbled back a few steps before I turned and stormed through the crowd, determined to leave this feeling. Everything about it could stay right here in this dingy bar. I couldn’t do this.

“Abi!” I heard Cash shout, but his voice was faint as the shivers from the kiss were replaced with shaking.

He said he didn’t deserve me.

He said he thought about me.

He said he cared about me.

He was saying all the right things to make me forget what we needed to talk about, everything that happened and I wouldn’t—couldn’t—just forget.

“Abi!” His voice was stronger now that I was outside, the chill hitting my face, taking the heat away. “Abi stop!”

“No.” I shouted over my shoulder, my anger rising.

“Don’t put up these walls, Abi.”

I felt his hand grab my wrist, yanking me to a stop, spinning me to look at him.

“Don’t—” he began.

“No, youdon’t. You don’t get to ignore me for five years, erase me from your life, and then kiss me like that. You don’t get to tell me I can call you and then never answer your phone. You don’t get to do this to me, Cash,” I screamed, pure rage falling from the same lips that kissed him, that still—for whatever reason—wanted to kiss him again. I let out a loud groan, lifting my head towards the sky as I cried, “This wasn’t supposed to happen this way.”

But it was…and it was happening in the wrong way. I didn’t want to scream at him, I didn’t want to push him away, butit burst. Like a volcano, it all came flowing from me, nothing stopping it.

“Abi, I…” Cash’s voice was calm as he stood there in shock. His arm stretched out, wanting to touch me. Comfort me?

“Why did you leave?” I burst through the tears. “Why? The last thing you ever said to me was that Sylas was gone. And then you turned and walked out of that hospital, after throwing a fucking chair. You didn’t answer my phone calls, you ignored all of my texts. You didn’t come to his funeral. You were gone. Like we…like I didn’t even matter. When all I needed was my friend.” Tears slid down my cheeks, my eyes drowning. I couldn’t even blink them away fast enough. My heart was beating rapid fire. My breath was heavy and I just couldn’t control it. “I needed you, Cash. Stetson needed you. But we weren’t good enough. You were gone…just like that…”

“I was mad!” he shouted.

“Do you think you’re the only one who was mad? My husbanddied,in my arms! And then his friend—myfriend—left. I’m sorry Cash, but I have more reason to be pissed than you do.” My shouts were so loud, most likely everyone in The Steel could hear me, and I didn’t care one bit.

“You have every reason to be mad, but try seeing it from my point of view. Sylas was my best friend, and I missed so much because I was trying to be a better husband to someone who didn’t even matter. I went to see him for thirty minutes because that’s all she would allow, and in those thirty minutes, he died. The anger…the fear…it just took over.” He took one step towards me, his hands finally moving enough to grasp my shoulders. “I told you he died. I saw you break. I saw the light leave your eyes and I…” His breath shook. “I knew I couldn’t do anything. I was afraid to hold you. I was afraid that I would lose you.”

I struggled against him, punching his shoulder. "But you did. You made it happen. You're the one who left me. You're the onewho walked away. Did you ever consider that I couldn't lose you? That losing you along with Sylas was the last thing I needed?"

“I didn’t think—” He fought back, gripping onto me tighter. “I couldn’t Abi. I went to the funeral. I sat in my car and couldn’t get out. I couldn’t see Sylas that way. I couldn’t see you that broken again when I couldn’t fix it. I just.”

I snapped in his face, making him flinch back. “If you say couldn’t one more time…” I barked, my voice echoing against the walls of The Steel, the night air carrying it further than I intended.

“Abi, listen to me. I’m sorry. I never meant to leave you. I didn’t know if you really wanted me there or not. If I’d known. If I’d had any inkling that you wanted me by your side, I would have been there—”

“You should have been there anyway!” I screamed, using my fist to try to push him away, but he held me. His eyes locked on to mine as he watched me cry, each and every tear coating my face with more anger and fear than before.

“I should have. I should have…but…”

“But what? What was more important that kept you away from us?”

---