Page 96 of Rising

I wanted to slap him. “And that’s funny to you because …”

“This dysfunctional band of misfits you’ve got here.” He threw up a thumb to a now rowdy kitchen. “I see why you’re so scared to lose everything, to lose it all. Realized it the moment we were all caught. Why it’s worth fighting like hell.”

The words tugged on a piece of me, a tiny string buried deep inside me. “Why?”

“Because family ain’t who you’re born with, it’s who you’re willing to die for.”

* * *

We movedhouses the next day, opting to find a more secluded location a few miles down. We’d recovered enough to find a better spot to keep our cover, but not enough to make any real dent distance wise. It would be another day before we’d be recovered and could continue on, figure out what to do next. We had no resources.

No real food besides random items that’d been left behind. More times than not, having tough luck when it came to gathering food not toxically expired to the point it’d likely kill us if we ate it. Our bodies healed slower than usual from malnourishment. Reina healing us had meant she’d healed the slowest, any magic she’d replenished quickly going to use.

I surveyed the trees that occupied the overgrown lawn; my body tucked into a corner of the porch just out of view for the first watch when Alexiares plopped down next to me. The color back in his face, his body springy for someone who’d been half dead the day before.

Words flew from my mouth, not stopping as I told my brain to shut up. Wanting to explain myself out of panic, from the thought of losing another to the war I’d been losing against death.

“Jax … Jax was my everything and nothing all at once. My heart and soul, but not in the way most would think.” He bit down on his bottom lip, not having expected anything but company when he’d taken his seat. But I forced myself to continue. Yesterday hadn’t been the time, but if not now then when?

“I’ve never met someone who connected to my soul the way he did. Not Prescott, not Moe, Reina, not even Riley. With him, everything was simple. Every breath I would take, he would mirror and vice versa. Every truth I hid, he knew and accepted me for it. He pushed and shoved; he challenged me. Our loyalty went so deep I couldn’t possibly put it in one category. Not my friend, not my lover, not even family. When he died, part of my heart died too.”

“You two shared a room though? A bed?” He didn’t look away as he asked, searching for a tell of me lying.

I didn’t falter. “No. I mean, yes, but not in that way. Not for some time.”

“Then why did you let everyone think that it was?”

“Compound over everything.” I sighed. “Prescott thought a marriage at that level would help build morale.”

“Stop.” The words were automatic, not having realized he’d said them out loud.

My voice turned hard, unwavering. “Stop what? It’s the truth. It created a united, hopeful front when our home needed it the most. Prescott’s their beloved little king, and to the people, Jax and I the prince and princess. A royal family, a baby … it would have shown them all it was okay to settle in. To find peace. Joy. I loved him, and he loved me. But neither of us were fooled for one second that we would have been anything other than best friends in The Before.”

He shook his head, not liking where I was headed. “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I need you to understand.” The rest of it unsaid. I couldn’t bring myself to say the words.

He shifted in his spot, distancing himself a bit. “Ah, here I was thinking it was the tattoos.” He chuckled, making light of it recalling one of our first conversations.

“Notjustthe tattoos,” I teased back.

“Tattoos tell a story,” he said.

I chuckled. “Yes, that we can agree on.”

He was serious, eyes focused on the tattoos on my own arm, focusing in on one.

“I’d like to hear about them sometime,” he said, closing the gap between us as his finger circled over the words on my forearm,Memento Mori.

I tilted my head up, allowing my eyes to lock on his, trying to find the words but landing on none. My fingers slid to the nape of his neck, pulling his face towards mine, my lips stopping at the skin right next to his own. I let them hover for a moment before pressing in. His head nestled into the cusp of my neck, breath tingling down the center of my body. A few silent, hesitant moments passed between us before I planted my feet, pushing myself up and headed towards the door.

The words found me before I went out of view, stopping briefly with my back turned. I was scared that if I faced him, they’d stay unsaid forever. “I’m not sure if I can give my heart to someone again, but I know that, right now, it’s too soon. But if I could, I wouldn’t mind it going to you.”

Moe sat in the rocking chair in front of the window, looking on to the spot Alexiares still sat. She’d been listening, still not saying much from the day before. I moved to walk past her towards one of the rooms in the back, not in the mood to work through our problems, or the ones I had with anyone else.

“He would want you to move on, you know.” Her words were quiet, but felt like they’d been amplified through a speaker, reverberating through my mind.

I turned back to her, deciding to listen to what she had to say, surprised to see her smiling. Not at me, but out into the distance, recalling a vision in her memory. “I’ve seen it, you know, in my visions. You smiling and happy. Unburdened.”

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