Page 97 of Rising

“Moe, please,” I interrupted, not wanting to hear more. We both knew the future was never set in stone, not when it came to trivial things.

“You don’t want to hear it now, aren’t ready to hear it now, I know. But one day you will be ready, and I just want you to know that you do deserve it. You deserve happiness.” She let out a breath, head swiveling back towards the window, dismissing me before I had a chance to do the same.

I knew it was true. Knew that Alexiares may not have been the type of man I would have chosen Before, or even immediately in The After. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t what I needed now, what worked for me now.

The world was different; I was different, and if I were going to keep my people safe, I’d need to embrace that the old me was gone forever, in every aspect.

As a child, I wanted a hero. Someone to swoop in, take care of me. Make my life easier. A man to lead. Xavier had been that perfect man. Kind-hearted, a great listener, ambitious, handsome. Things that were good on paper.

Jax was perfect in his own sense, too. Had been there when I needed him, helped save me from myself. Held me and kept me steady through the turmoil over the years. Made me see the light, the opportunity in starting fresh. That there wasalwaysgood to find within the bad. He’d given me a second chance at life.

There wasn’t anything inherently wrong about any of it. But those things were wrong for me now.

I didn’t need a hero, or a savior. I needed an equal. A partner. Someone who had seen the dark and embraced it. Decided it was worth suffering through for the greater good.

The good guys couldn’t stay good if they actually wanted to make a difference. I’d hated Alexiares because I’d started to hate myself. When I saw him, I saw the guilt, the disgusting self-pity, the trauma. The lines of his face that let me know it had changed him and he too, would never go back to who he once was. It wasn’t possible when you knew that you lived at the expense of others lives.

But I would never be that little girl again. I was a woman who would forever live with burning rage and a pang of pain that simmered away at all things good. At happiness.

The line between me and Finley was clear, I was pained. Burdened, but not ruthless. Evil. And to fight against a Finley, I’d need someone who could think like Finley on my side, but know when it’s time to turn it off. Someone not afraid to face the ugly with me in hopes of keeping the future beautiful. Someone who accepted that our souls would be tainted and lost forever. Was okay with it.

Because to keep the people we loved safe, we could not kill our beast, only embrace it.

Amaia

Freezing rain trapped us in Foley for another day, which was fine, considering we still hadn’t come up with a solid plan. I wasn’t sure what to do; it was possible Duluth hadn’t heard of the ruckus we’d caused. Probable actually, given that Finley had indicated there wasn’t a solid relationship between the two yet. Which also meant that even if they had been made aware of the situation in St. Cloud, there was a decent chance they wouldn’t come running regardless.

Backtracking home would be a struggle in this state, making the decision to tough it out to Duluth and recover while playing emissary sounded like the more appealing option to everyone. We could make it another two weeks until the messenger arrived announcing our presence. But over a month back to Elko or Twin Falls in our condition, and without weapons was questionable. Out of any real option, another four or five days on the road won in the end.

With no real supplies, we’d had to find homes to hide out in each evening increasing our risk for trouble. It was too cold to risk sleeping outside, even using fire magic to keep myself warm wouldn’t prevent hypothermia from taking me in the night. Nature had to have balance that way, you couldn’t cheat the system too much. Using your magic to start a fire and increase your chances of survival, acceptable. Using your magic to replace a much-needed coat, well there were worse ways to go, I guess.

The only benefit being the sweaters, pants, boots, and other items left unclaimed in the closets of the homes we’d ransacked. Food was always the first thing people took, medicine was second, but clothes, it appeared outside Salem Territory, clothes were only taken when they were needed.

Ogilvie, Hinkley, and Moose Lake were all the same. The walks each day were quiet, everyone speaking in hushed tones, not wanting to draw attention to ourselves as we passed through and around towns. Seth and Reina spoke quietly amongst themselves once we’d located a safe place to stop each night. Often finding them in corners when they’d gone missing from shared spaces. The behavior was strange.

Their body language indicated they’d been arguing, but they’d never been private about it in the past. I grew concerned, wondering if I’d exposed her to too much, stolen that part of her that made herher.

“What was that about?” I asked.

We’d found an inn in Moose Lake in good enough condition to rest for the night. Despite all the space, we’d opted to find a room with two beds, not wanting to be too far from the others in case of an emergency.

Reina jumped, not having heard me approach as she sat on the bed, peering out the window down at the parking lot.

“Nothing, everything’s fine,” she said. “Just Seth being Seth.”

I nodded, understanding her frustration, having had my own when working with her brother.

“He’s just insensitive ya know? Like nothin’ ever bothers him.” She laughed. “Well, except my presence.”

“Talk to me, how can I help?”

“It’s nothin’ important. Just, as kids we spent a lot of time out here. Have,” she paused, face scrunched, catching herself. “Had? Not really sure. Family lived in the area. Seeing how it all turned out, seeing it all abandoned, nothing left but a shell of the beauty it once was … it’s hard. Don’t even know how our family turned out, their house is too far to check.”

She knew we’d reroute if we had to, but I understood, she didn’t want to know. Didn’t want that certainty weighing on her if it wasn’t the outcome she would have wanted. It was far easier to pretend your loved ones made it out, somehow, someway.

I sat next to her on the bed, resting my head on her shoulder. “You know you can talk to me about these things, right? The situation will never be too dire where you can’t talk about how you’re feeling. I’m here for you.”

The others feigned distracted around the room, Alexiares pretending to be busy in the corner reading some book he’d found on the tv stand. Moe made small talk on the other bed with Seth, who pretended as if he weren’t currently a topic in this conversation.

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