Page 103 of Ashes of Honor

“And you know what? I can do both,actually,” I said, brushing past her then whipping back around, having more to say than I originally intended. “Hello? What do you think a combat medic does in the first place? The only difference now is I’ll be doing it from the top of my mare. Amaia trusts me—something you couldn’t seem to do in the first place.”

Her expression flickered with guilt for a moment before her ocean eyes hardened again. It didn’t matter; it lingered beneath the surface, just waiting to break free. “That’s not fair.”

I scoffed, taking out my braid and ruffling through my hair. “Neither is lying to someone who cares about you. But life’s not fair so, cry me a freaking river.”

We were attracting attention now.Great. Any respect I’d gained these last few hours was officially out the window thanks to my … my what? My girlfriend? We barely functioned as roommates. I’d wanted to fix this—at first. Now I realized it wasn’t my thing to fix and trying to ‘fix’ everything that was out of my control had resulted in a dead brother, so maybe I should stop.

“We aren’t doing this again. I’m not going there with you, not right now. This is war, Reina. It’s serious.” Jessa took a step closer, lowering her voice. We stood eye level with each other,locked in a quarrel only lovers could fight with merely just the eyes. “Now isn’t the time to worry about proving yourself to her. Or anyone, for that matter. It’s about doing what it takes to make sure you stay alive.”

“You think I don’t know that?” I gestured to the swirl of energy around us—the sparring soldiers, the endless row of weapons, the hum of magic that never seemed to face. “This is what staying alive looks like, Jessa. Fighting, training, stepping up to do what’s right for the group when no one else can or will.”

“Even if it kills you?” she asked, her raspy voice cracking slightly, that edge of vulnerability cutting through her frustration.

No faith. She hasneverhad any faith in me. And it didn’t help that I could feel it—every spike of doubt, every sharp pulse of frustration.

I opened my mouth to argue, hesitating because right now wasn’t the time or the place, and in that pause, I caught movement out the corner of my eyes. Millie. She stood across the field near the cavalry’s makeshift stables. Her hands rested against her thick, muscular thighs as she buckled over. The sweet song of her laughter carried over the rest of the noise. She leaned back up against a post, talking animatedly with another rider. Her ease in all this mess was a knife twisted in my gut. I didn’t want to think about her, about that night. Right now probably wasn’t the time to acknowledge any feelings that lingered from a brief dalliance.

Jessa followed my gaze, her eyes narrowing when she saw Millie. “Of course—your new ‘captain.’”

“Don’t,” I whispered, not having the energy to run back through this fight either.

Her laugh was bitter, cutting through my ears like a splintered piece of wood. “Don’t what? Say what we’re both thinking.”

I turned fully to her, “Our problems have nothing to do with Millie. Aren’t you tired, Jessa? This isn’t what it used to be. When’s the last time you can honestly say we got through the day without arguing? It’s notfunanymore, and it hasn’t been in a long time.”

Jessa’s face fell as she stepped closer, the space between us now limited to a shared bubble of oxygen. “Of course it isn’t. How can it be when you’re throwing yourself into every role Amaia gives you, pretending like you’re fine, pretending like we’re fine?—”

“Stop,” I said, my voice firm, though it wavered under the pressure. “Just stop. I’m exhausted. I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do of my own free will. None of this is a job for me. I want to help my friends,my family.”

Jessa’s expression softened, but the tension didn’t leave her body. “Reina, you’re spreading yourself too thin. And if you’re doing it to avoid dealing with us, then I?—”

“Thereisno us,” I snapped, my voice rising despite the soldiers milling around us. Millie and the rider turned their heads, curiosity flickering in their gazes, but I didn’t care. “Not really and you know what? Maybe there never was. You made sure of that the second you decided to spy for my father.”

Her face drained of color, lips parting like she might protest. But then her shoulders lowered, quiet acceptance settling in. I knew denial when I saw it. Iwasdenial for the last four years. “You don’t trust me. I get it. But I’m here because I want to help. I want to make this right between us.”

I shook my head, the ache in my chest too heavy to ignore. “Betweenus? No, Jessa, that’s the problem. The difference between you and me and why this willneverwork no matter how much I want it to—I’m here for my family, forme. You’re here for me because it’s convenient to the cause and Amaia’s conditions on the grounds that it was this or execution. Because Riley’s spynetwork needs the intel and you’re mapping borders. You’re a useful piece on the chessboard for the others.”

The words were callous—cruel, even. Unnatural coming from my mouth. But they were the first honest ones I’d spoken to her in months, and now that they were out, I couldn’t bring myself to stop. Kindness was already scarce in this world, and I refused to be the one to spread more venom. Though the urge to say more tugged at me, I chose mercy instead.

I told myself I meant them. That I wanted this to be the end of whatever thread still tethered us together. Maybe, one day, I’d regret it. Maybe, one day, I’d want to make things right. But not now. Not here. Not during the simulations.

Jessa didn’t say anything else. She stood there, her gaze flicking between me and Millie one last time before she turned and walked away. The weight in my chest didn’t ease as I watched her go. If anything, it settled deeper, a stone sinking into dark water.

I turned back to my bow, my fingers trembling as I gripped the smooth wood. Tomorrow was another day, another fight. But this fight—the one I’d been fighting for a while, maybe it was finally over. At least, that’s what I told myself.

Reina

Focus.But it was really hard to do that over the stench of damp earth and decay, the kind that clung to the air after years of neglect, when nature took over for good. Not to mention I was hot, sweaty, and these stupid socks Amaia let me borrow were super itchy. I tossed my head back, staring up at the dull gray sky. To be honest, it matched the mood of this horribly paired group as we trudged through the overgrown streets of Royal Oaks.Be down for the cause, I said. It’ll be fun I said. It wasn’t—and everyone desperately needed a bath. I adjusted the strap of my med pack near the neck of my mare, beyond irritated with the idiots arguing behind me.

“We should be heading east, not wasting time here,” a soldier from Lincoln barked; his voice grated against my eardrums rougher than sandpaper.

I exhaled in frustration, whipping Nala around. “Unless you’ve got a compass hidden in that big poofy hair of yours somewhere, I’d suggest you stop questioning everything Isabella?—”

“General Everhart.” She cleared her throat with an appreciative smile.

“General Everhart. Let her do her job so we can eat something other than the crappy, wilted lettuce you’ve managed to grow in the last eight hours. I swear on everything I love, if we don’t, it’s going to be a long, terrible night for you if I go to sleep hungry.”

He grumbled in response, shooting a silent plea for help toward Hunter, who walked next to my horse near the reigns. Imagine, thinkingmy brotherwould—well. Hunter ignored him, his eyes remained on Isabella, effectively the general of our unit.

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