Page 31 of Play Dirty

And technically, I’m taking them back to Tennessee the first week of September. Then a month later we see the judge. I have proof of her cheating, but California is a no-fault divorce state so that doesn’t mean much of anything. And adultery doesn’t necessarily make you a bad parent. The problem is that she’s said some things in the heat of the moment that make me think she doesn’t really want the kids. I know for a fact Philippe doesn’t want her to have them, but my gut tells me she’s waiting for a big payday. If I give her enough money, she’ll let me have custody.

The question is how much.

I make good money but I’m not one of those guys with a twenty-million-dollar contract. I make a respectable 2.5M a year. After taxes and all the expenses that come with being a pro athlete—like chiropractors and special meal plans and such—my income is fine but the mortgage on the house we bought is high, and property taxes don’t help. Having one kid in private school is a lot—three of them is going to drain me.

And Brenna and I weren’t great about saving. I have a retirement fund that’s maxed out, but it’ll be thirty years before I can tap into that. Everything else, other than a handful of small investments, is tied up in the house.

I also had to give Brenna money to live on when she went to Tennessee. Not to mention child support. Luckily, I’m not paying any this month since they’re with me.

I sink down on the couch and stare off at nothing.

I’m trying not to freak out, but reality is starting to set in.

If I lose the court case, my life will get easier but I’ll never see my kids.

If I win, my life will be exponentially harder, but I’ll get to raise them.

That’s what I’ve always wanted.

I just never planned to do it alone.

Chapter10

Stevie

Being backin front of a camera feels good.

I’ve actually missed it.

Today is a casting call for a music video by some rapper I’ve never heard of, so it’s technically not a photo shoot, but they’re taking both video and still photos to see who fits the artist’s vision since he couldn’t be here in person. I’m not worried about whether or not I’ll get it—I just need to get back out there.

I’ve enjoyed not being on the go the last eight months, having time to relax, read, watch movies—spend time with my friends. That part has been nice, and though I don’t have to worry about money, not yet, I don’t want to get complacent. I want to work. I want to be who I was before.

Well, maybe not exactly who I was before.

She was a weak and easily manipulated woman who didn’t stand up for herself and allowed herself to be abused.

I’m not victim shaming myself, but there were so many red flags I chose to ignore, not only with Damien but also the boyfriends I had before him.

Going forward, I need to be a better version of myself.

When the time comes to start dating again, I need to find a man who will value me, respect me, and…love me. God knows, I don’t think I’ve ever been loved by anyone I’ve ever been with.

For some reason, that makes me think of Marty.

He’s the kind of guy I should date.

Except not still married.

Not with three kids five and under…but why not a guy with kids?

I’m suddenly confused.

Would it be better to date a guy who already has kids so he’ll be okay with the fact that I can’t give him any? Or someone who never wanted them and still doesn’t.

Maybe it doesn’t matter.

Sometimes I’m afraid I’m never going to fall in love again. I’m so bad at it. And I really don’t want to have another guy treat me badly.

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