Page 93 of Play Dirty

Now she’s sitting on the edge of my bed worriedly.

“I thought Marty said he was taking care of the TRO thing?” she asks softly.

“He did. He is. But…” I hug my knees to my chest. “I don’t know what to do, Chey. I don’t want to be the reason he loses custody of his kids. That’s the most important thing in the world to him.”

“I don’t think it is,” she says quietly. “I think you are. I mean, you’re not more important than his kids, but I think he’s crazy about you and isn’t going to choose one over the other. I think he loves you both equally and is doing his best to figure things out.”

“But if he loses custody it’ll be too late, and no matter how much he loves me—and we haven’t used those words yet—he’ll always resent me for it. I can’t give him more kids so losing the ones he has would be devastating.”

“He won’t. He has a great attorney, and the law is on his side. You don’t have a history of abuse, there are no incidents with his kids for her to use as examples… it’s going to be okay.”

“I think I should break up with him,” I blurt.

Her eyes widen. “Why on earth would do you that?”

“Because if we wait until after the custody hearing, it’ll be too late.”

“There are no guarantees even if you’re not in his life,” she reminds me gently. “Judges don’t often rule against the mom for no reason. I honestly don’t think he has a great chance of getting full custody.”

And that’s what worries me. He doesn’t need anything else to go against him.

Old Stevie would have focused on my own needs, and the fact that I’ve fallen in love with an amazing guy, but new and improved Stevie wants to be different. Better. And the kids need their dad. Brenna seems awful. She’s never hurt them or neglected them to my knowledge but it’s obvious she has other priorities now. If I was braver, stronger—with less baggage—I would approach her with a check.

A payout to make her leave us alone forever.

But she could use that against me. Or him.

On top of that, Marty probably wouldn’t like it.

I don’t know if it would somehow emasculate him.

He has money but not as much as I do. He’s overextended on his house, and he goes overboard sending money for the kids because he wants to make sure they have everything they need. Not to mention giving Brenna money.

He’s by no stretch of the imagination poor, but coming up with a seven-figure payout for Brenna would probably be tough for him.

Not for me, though.

I just don’t know how to approach that subject. Or if I even should.

“You want me to lie down with you?” Chey asks softly. “I’m really tired so I need to get some more sleep, but I know you don’t want to be alone after a nightmare.”

She’s truly the best friend a girl could ever ask for, and I reach out and hug her.

“Thank you. But it’s almost five. You go back to your husband. I’m going to walk on the treadmill for a while and then maybe go have breakfast with Marty.”

“Are you sure?”

I nod. “I’m sure.”

“Okay.” She hugs me and then softly pads out of the room.

I’m so tired of the nightmares. The bad memories. The drama of my life.

I’ve been getting past it, but after the TRO thing, they’ve hit me hard this week. Almost as hard as in the beginning, right after the incident. I know it’s nerves, anxiety, stress—whatever you want to call it—but therapy and meditation and exercise aren’t helping. I don’t know that anything will.

For the first time, I’ve found someone who’s more important than anything else. Whose life and well-being take precedence over mine.

It’s a weird feeling but it’s the right thing to do.

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