Page 158 of Jaded

You’re like . . . their hero . . . You are the representation of Day River.It’s like Olli thinks I’m going to save this team. And the way Syd’s looking at me now, I sort of think she feels the same.

But her next words mean something else entirely. “Wasn’t hockey your dream?”

I set my elbows upright on my knees, rest my chin in my hands. “Yeah.Was. Key word. Itwasmy dream. But just because you can remember wanting something, doesn’t mean you still do. You know? It’s easy to dream big when you’re young and there’s nothing in your way.”

“Nothing . . . like me?” Syd’s voice gets very small, and her eyes get very big, and my heart launches against my ribs.

“You? Hell no.” And without further thought, I lean forward to wrap an arm around her shoulder. “Never you. You’re my dream now, Syd. And I wouldn’t change anything about that.”

She tilts her head down on my shoulder. “You’re not just saying that ’cause it’s your job to say nice things?”

“Right.” I snort. “Because anything about me has ever beennice.I don’t think anybody thinks I’m winning any ‘parent of the year’ awards here. I’m a fuck-up, Syd, and we both know it.”

“Eh.” She shrugs against my shoulder. “I don’t think you’re that bad. Most of the time. You’re definitely not nice, though. Anice dadwould have bought my yogurt.”

“Oh, my God. Fuck your yogurt.”

She laughs, sits up. “You don’t get any ‘parent of the year’ awards until I get yogurt.”

I let us have this lighthearted moment, but I have more to say, and it’s time to say it. All. Even if we are sitting in the middle of an urgent care waiting room, at the edge of a snowstorm and the biggest hockey event this town’s ever seen.

Maybe it’s exactly the time to say all this shit.

“I need you to know—and believe—that you’re not the reason I don’t play.” I fix my eyes on hers, make her meet my gaze. “I wanted it so bad, but at the end of the day, I never truly believed in myself. And it wasmewho got in the way.Mewho wrecked my own dream. By the time I met your mom . . .”

I lean back in my chair, dig a hand through my hair. “I was already on a fast downhill slope. Drugs, alcohol, skipping school.”

Syd’s silent, letting me speak.

“I started dating your mom senior year, before that last game,” I say, steadying my voice to continue the story—the one she deserves to hear.

Not the one where I’m the hero who raised her when her mother hightailed it into obscurity. The one where Sam saved me, and Syd saved me, and Brenda saved me, and all the while, I kept trying to drown myself.

“Honestly, I don’t know why she stuck around.” I fold my hands together, study my fingers right along with Syd. “Maybe she thought it was a fun little project, trying to clean up the broken kid. But I was a mess. I don’t blame her for leaving.”

Syd’s breath is a sharp little inhale. “Do you wish she’d left sooner?”

“No.” I unfold my fingers to curl my hand over hers. “Never. You being born was the best thing that ever happened to me—and probably the only thing that could have saved me.”

Another ragged little inhale, but I give her privacy, don’t look up to see if she’s holding back tears.

“When I . . . When I first held you . . .” Shit, I’m the one holding back tears now.Me. When was the last time I fucking cried? “I realized my purpose in life that day. I’d never believed in myself on the ice. But atthat moment, I believed—Iknew—I could be your dad.”

Syd gives a wrenching sob, and I know I’m moments away from breaking too. So I wrap my arm around her, pull her in close. Tuck her head under my chin. Like she’s my little girl again.

“That was the moment my dream changed. That hockey stopped being the most important thing—that it stopped mattering at all.”

Sydney’s crying in earnest now, splayed out on my shoulder, one hand tangled in the collar of my shirt. Just like when she was a baby.

“This family is my dream now, Syd.” Shit, my voice shakes. “Dreams change. I don’t want that old dream anymore. At all. I just want to be the best I can for you. Whatever that means, whatever it takes.”

“You mean . . .”

“I mean, let’s talk to Jess. See what he can do for you.”

“You mean that?”

“Yeah. I do.”

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