Page 24 of Second Story

I haven’t, so I state it plainly.

“I’d blame the one and only person you had left to lean on. The professional who was meant to help but who actually took advantage of someone in their lowest moment. Me not takingyou up on that offer? Easiest decision ever.” It was also the hardest. I tell him what I couldn’t say when I was responsible for his brother’s welfare. “Not because I wasn’t tempted by the offer or interested in you. Strong men have always done it for me.”

Isaac blinks, hand slipping from hair I want to neaten so he can impress the headmaster of this posh school. That’s another challenge he’ll have to face with no one to lean on.

Withoutme.

This could be the last time I’ll see him.

I need to make sure I’m as clear as today’s sunshine.

“You see the conflict of interest, yeah? The imbalance? Because even if I kidded myself that scars did it for you, what you needed that night couldn’t happen. Not when I had to stay objective.”

He nods, slowly at first, then faster, and I’d cheer at this repeat glimpse of the old softness he used to aim at me if I didn’t need to get the car back to my brother.

I have to settle for ending this long-overdue conversation. “The timing was shit. Me passing Lenny on to another officer was the only course of action open to me. Safeguarding, yeah? I had to log it. Had to withdraw so that someone who wasn’t as conflicted as me could keep Lenny’s best interests at heart.”

“You were conflicted?”

I can’t keep in this dry chuff of laughter. “You’re kidding, right? Of course I fucking was. Kinda hoped we’d get to talk about why once your mum was home and settled. Can’t lie. I wanted to see you.”

Isaac’s eyes are suddenly glossy out of nowhere, and yeah, strong men do it for me, but like earlier, this chink in his armour gets to me so fast that I’m raspy.

“I wanted to see you again, even if just to explain that what you were feeling for me wasn’t real. It was situational, mate. Your stress levels made the idea of not thinking for awhile attractive. Mademeattractive.” My next chuff of laughter shouldn’t have rough edges. I choke on them, then choke even more on admitting, “The minute it was over, you would have wondered what the hell you’d been thinking.”

I tug at the cuffs of my jacket and shove my hands deep into my pockets.“More to the point, you’d wonder what kind of dickhead let it happen. But I never got to explain, just like I never expected your mum to stay on remand. I thought she’d be bailed. Thought that those bullshit charges would be dropped. That’s why I wrote what I did inside the book I asked Lenny’s new support worker to pass on to him. You read my inscription?”

“Yeah. ‘See you soon.’” Isaac looks away from me again, and I hate that he’s as bruised now as the night I walked away from a sexually charged bomb I couldn’t let detonate when his life was already rubble.

“I only wrote that because I thought Iwouldsee him soon. And you. After everything was settled.” I scrub at my face, hiding from this. “Thought I’d pay you a visit later to see if…”

You actually did want me.

I can’t voice that, so I move on. “Then I asked myself what we’d have in common apart from your brother. What did you actually know about me?”

He doesn’t answer.

I do it for him.

“Nothing, Isaac. You didn’t know anything about me because our relationship wasn’t personal. It was professional, yeah?” I chance a smile even though he’s back to the icy of our early meetings. I don’t mean that he’s cold. This is the same caught-in-headlights frozen as the very first time I met him. “I hope you always knew that I truly believed your mum would get released before trial. Everyone involved with the case knew it was a case of cuckooing by whoever brought drugs into her home.”

“How do you know that?”

“Contacts.” I regret breaking that no-talking-shop rule with Josh. He’s been like a dog with a bone ever since. “Call it me having local knowledge.” I tug at my cuffs one more time. “Or call it an educated guess based on experience. The minute the cops had more proof, I was sure she’d be home and you’d be living your best life at uni in Brighton. But when that didn’t happen and everything went tits up, it was too late for me to backtrack.”

A bell rings, break time over, and the playground beyond this car park empties of children.

“The headmaster said you should go upstairs and see him when you’re ready.” I have to add, “I knew Lenny was in safe hands.Yours.But I couldn’t help wondering how you were doing.”

All da Silva men have deep voices. Mine pitches even lower as I get honest.

“I couldn’t stay around to find out. You wanted something I couldn’t give you. Ask me today, and you’d get a completely different answer.”

I don’t know when we drifted together. He’s as close now as the one and only time I almost got unprofessional.Today, I don’t need to make excuses. “Like you asking for a kiss for luck. You still think you need some?”

Maybe he doesn’t. Isaac backing off suggests so, and I’d think he was about to walk away like I once did if all of that pink under gold didn’t deepen on his cheeks.

He backs through a curtain of willow branches.

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