That’s what Mum won’t tell me.
These kids are a reminder of why she keeps her lips zipped. Teo sucks his teeth sharply, and Noah sighs a single word that confirms he needs Joe even if he doesn’t know it. “Same.”
He looks away, and my gaze follows the same direction to find my brother sitting with someone I once found scary. Luke butters toast while Len supervises. That’s what I watch for the next few minutes—them not talking but having a whole conversation.
Luke raises his eyebrows while tapping the tops of jam pots as if asking which is his favourite, and that’s a lot to deal with. So is him tilting his head at cartons until Len points to the one holding apple juice instead of orange. And when Lenny clinks his full glass with Luke’s and I get to hear him say, “Cheers”aloud,it’s as if I dreamed his silence.
Luke’s eyes meet mine across the dining hall. He winks while saying cheers back to Lenny, then gets on with drinking minus any fanfare, helping Len to get verbal with zero pressure, so I try my best to return the favour by turning back to Noah.
“Worrying about keeping other people safe is hard to handle alone. Not saying Joe can solve anything.” I’m increasingly convinced my mother is gonna bite her tongue straight into a life sentence. “But he’s been there. Understands and listens.”
Noah asks a quiet question. “You know how risky it is for you to hang around a drug squad fed, yeah?” He leans forward. “Even an undercover one.”
“Joe isn’t undercover. He really is a support worker.Was.You know what he does now?” Noah’s eyes narrow again, but henods. His flush clashes brightly with his hair, and I’m glad then that I pressed Send on photos of Lenny enjoying what has felt like a first week of freedom. It means Joe has sent me ones of his own.
My phone is full of his day-to-day life. I scroll past photos of him petting a cat outside a Tube station and of him wearing a cappuccino milky moustache that Lenny laughed over. My screen fills with the view from his living room window with Wintergreen’s distant tower blocks visible between tall, thin trees, then I stop on a shot featuring two people.
“Look. Yes, his brother works alongside law enforcement in some kind of computer role. But he does back-office stuff, not front-line policing. He’s a civilian like Joe. They both grew up in Wintergreen though. If you think you’ve seen him around, maybe that’s why.” I take a guess. “Did you have to give a statement at a station?”
Noah nods, paling again.
“He could have been there, I dunno, working on a computer. Look.” I show him the latest photo Joe has sent complete with the note underneath it.
Joe:Hey, Lenny. Guess which one of us is two minutes older!
I don’t have to guess. Neither does Noah. “Ah.” He almost touches the side of the screen showing a version of Joe who might as well be years older instead of only minutes. It’s the frown, I think, and fuck holding back, I let this spill across our shared breakfast table.
“Joe’s a good guy.” He always was. “If Lenny trusts him, you can too.” It’s so hard to remember the rage I told myself to feel whenever I thought about Joe and missed him. Now all I remember is him helping me to do so much more than catch my breath in a bathroom. That makes it easy to return this favour after Joe vouched for me without question. “If you do decideto speak with him but want someone there with you who isn’t family, I got you.”
“You’d do that?”
I offer a fist, and across this dining hall, my new boss, who has encouraged my brother to find his voice, watches Noah make his own inchworm progress.
Noah avoids meeting my eyes, but he bumps my fist.
“I’ll think about it.”
Noah must think fast.
It isn’t long until I get a message that I retreat to a hidden corner of the library to read in private.
Joe:Looks like I’ll be heading back down to Cornwall sooner than I thought.
Joe:Seeing Noah at his brother’s place tomorrow. Just a flying visit, but would that be good news for you or bad?
I don’t like that he has to wonder. It’s the best news, in my opinion. Another message arrives before I can say so.
Joe:Because if it is good news, I could leave early and be on the 7pm train tonight.
Joe:That is, if you wanted to meet this evening?
Do I ever.
There’s no way my new boss doesn’t notice my grin. I jump when Luke speaks.
“I thought I’d pop down to run an idea past you, but that smile makes me wonder if the news has already reached you.” He nods at the phone in my hand as the bell rings for the lunch break. I lip-read him asking, “Joe?” but I don’t quite know how to read his expression. That shouldn’t be this hard after a weekof walking and talking with him. Now Luke stands still and silent beside some new artwork I’ve added, and I can’t read him.
He has his back to a drawing I know is labelled with the wordhappybecause I watched Lenny print each letter. My new boss isn’t quite that. Worry fits him better, which his careful tone confirms. “How do you feel about Joe coming back so soon?”