Page 47 of Nerdy Dirty Valentine

A warm breeze wafted around me. Feeling like I was crumbling, I crouched and put my head near my knees.

“God, this was a mistake.” Trying to make amends had turned into my worst nightmare.

“Not your mistake; it’s her mistake.” James rubbed between my shoulder blades. “She doesn’t know you, Phin. She can’t see you.”

“Yeah, that’s how it’s been since Dad died.” I straightened. “I’ll never get an apology from her, will I? I was the kid, but she’s somehow the victim in everything.”

James bit his lip. “Doesn’t seem likely. But you’re incredible.”

“I don’t know ’bout that.”

“I do.” James hugged me, chasing some of the cold away with his warmth.

“I’m done here, at least. I don’t have to wonder anymore.”

We headed for the car. Behind us came the sound of the front door swinging open.

“Wait.” My mother had come out of the house and hurried toward us.

“Don’t worry.” I steeled myself against James. “We’re going.”

She carried a plain brown paper bag. “We never managed it, did we? To ever get along… Here.”

I took the bag and frowned. “What’s this?”

“This might be the last time we see each other… I don’t know. I truly hope not. I do—it’s just that Dad’s death changed so much. His death… it was like a bomb going off in the middle of my life.”

My throat was clogged. “For me, too,” I rasped.

My mom sighed. “He would have hated this. He was easy as a parent, and I always struggled. I needed him to be our buffer. Whether you accept this or not, I did do my best… Then, the drinking started, and I didn’t know how to handle things, especially as a single mom. I couldn’t relate to you. Overnight, you were this teenage boy with huge emotions, and I was not capable of it. You were difficult, wild, drunk. I walked on eggshells around you in my own house, and I didn’t know how to react, not to any of it. You’re my son, for God’s sake, so I should’ve known what to do. For both of us… but the truth is I wasn’t well and… couldn’t be the mother you wanted.” She paused. “Or deserved.”

She couldn’t give me the wordsI’m sorry.But it was as close as my mom had ever come.

“Anyhow… Your dad, he would’ve wanted you to have it.”

I peered into the bag, and my heart clenched. “You gave all of his stuff to Goodwill.”

“Most of it, yeah. Not that. But I couldn’t bear to look at it, either.” Mom was shamefaced, a mottled flush on her cheeks. “Didn’t have it in me to look.”

She didn’t try to say more, only stared at me for a hard minute, locking eyes, then turned and walked away.

Out of my life.

“Mom,” I called. My heart raced as she turned. “It’s never going to be like it was, not when Dad was alive, but maybe we can see each other… on occasion?”

She pursed her lips. “I’d like that. Very much.”

I watched her walk into her house, a little less brittle than before. I wasn’t certain when or if we’d follow through with the promise of meeting again, but she was my mom…

I handed the bag to James, still in a daze.

He took the picture out. It was my dad and me. I was a chubby toddler, and he was holding me, laughter in his dark eyes. My eyes.

Love shined there.

“It’s a picture that I can’t remember,” I murmured to James.

But in an instant, there were other memories that flashed through my mind.

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