Page 44 of Steamy Dreamy Hearts

“What do you mean?” Caleb whispered.

I blinked a few times before replying. Tears wouldn’t come. Tears would be a relief, but I felt wound up tight. I turned and met Caleb’s eyes. “We had a terrible fight about it. It wassupposed to be a weekend getaway. My mother had Erin, and it was our first time away from her. But instead of having a good time, we got into it about the job. And I wanted to stay at the hotel, but Dan was angry with me and insisted we go.

“Dan wanted to be back with Erin. She was just a toddler. More than that, he wanted away from me. He yelled, and Dan rarely did that, so I knew it was a fight that wouldn’t simply go away. He meant it. That I should spend more time with them, maybe quit the firehouse. I gave him the silent treatment in response. If I’d have just talked to him…”

“Stop it.” Caleb shifted, gathering me into his arms. “It’s not your fault. People have fights.”

“Dan drove still angry. Normally, we split a long drive, or I did the bulk of the driving, but when I offered to drive, he turned me down. We didn’t talk, like we should have. I shut my eyes and slept. The next thing I knew—” My voice cracked. “Fucking my fault.”

Caleb rocked me in his arms. He kissed the side of my shoulder. “It wasn’t.”

“But it was.” My heart dropped. For a second, I saw the twisted metal of the car, heard Dan’s sharp scream that jerked me awake. “I was the better driver. And I never should have let him try to drive the whole way or drive with such little rest and so angry at me. And I was angry at him. He was determined we leave, even though we were exhausted from fighting. It was late, and it made no fucking sense to go. Sometimes, I’m still so angry at him—if we’d only stayed at the hotel. If only he’d listened.” I swallowed, my throat raw with emotion.

“So, you’ve been punishing yourself for years. Not dating. Not letting go of the anger or guilt,” Caleb concluded softly. He cupped the sides of my face. “I never met Dan, but I heard stories about him. And it’s clear how much you guys loved each other,despite some fight. I think he’d want you to be happy again.” He gently thumbed away one of my tears.

Tears? Was I crying?

I was. That did it. I let go, for once, allowing myself to grieve openly, not holding it in. I let them fall, and Caleb kept holding me, soothing me. I felt like the air pressure inside of me was finally released.

“Thank you for listening.” My lashes and cheeks were wet. My voice, though, steadied.

“Welcome. And for what it’s worth? I think Dan would’ve understood.”

“Maybe. I hope so. Dan wanted Erin and me to be happy and healthy more than anything else. It’s why he worried about my job. Dan was gentle. His yelling shocked us both that night. I was the grumpy one out of the two of us. Not him.”

“You? Shocker.”

A ghost of a smile crossed my lips. “Dan liked the idea of me being a firefighter, but not the reality of it, especially once Erin came along.”

“The job takes a lot from everybody.”

We said nothing after that. He understood the cost, same as me. And Caleb still loved the work, same as me. Connecting like that, understanding the job—I felt some stress leave my body. I didn’t need to justify my choices, not to Caleb.

I stroked the side of his neck, a ridged patch of skin beneath my fingers.

Caleb held me, and I inhaled his scent, breathing in his skin, like fresh rain with a hint of orange spice. My fingers traced a path along Caleb’s chest. How could I regret being with him? Caleb was so sweet, so good. I couldn’t regret it any more than I could bring Dan back. Dan and Caleb looked nothing alike, but I saw it then, how I was drawn to gentle, hopeful men. The ache to get it right this time—if I could—lingered in me. For the firsttime in a long time, I was hopeful, too. The more time we spent together, the more time I wanted.

“Are you doing okay?” Caleb asked, breaking the silence, and he gnawed at his lower lip, his eyes wide with concern.

“I like that you’re here,” I murmured. I hugged him to me, tightening my arms around his middle.

“I like it, too,” Caleb answered. He brushed his lips against mine before settling down on his stomach.

I nuzzled him as his breath became even. My sheet half covered his legs; the rest of Caleb’s body was exposed, and I drank in his face—the days’ worth of scruff, his hair over his eyes. I saw few scars when he slept this way with his ass up. His front bore the brunt of them; only a few were visible on his upper arm and shoulder.

Caleb’s words from the start of our road trip came back to me—how he saw himself as split. How this Caleb was not as worthy as the older, unmarred one.

I bent down and kissed the start of his scars.

I was also split after Dan. But maybe I could do this? Slowly, of course, because of Erin, but it was possible. To open my heart again.

Without waking him, I slid my arm around his waist and nestled closer. Maybe things would be okay. I’d get more days with Caleb. Erin was still away. I had time. Caleb and I could spend it together, building on what we started.

Who would have thought Caleb and I would get to this place? For the first time, I let myself imagine the future.

I smiled in the darkness.

CHAPTER

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