Page 112 of Saving Her

“I’m willing to work. I just…” I close my eyes and turn my head away.

I don’t believe anything will change. How can I when I’m free—completely unshackled and unbound—yet I feel more trapped than ever before?

More helpless.

Hopeless.

Broken.

Something is wrong with me, and I’m scared I’ll never be able to fix it.

“Your mind builds on what you feed it,” she murmurs. “And you would have so much pity and fear that it’s only natural to gorge on what you know. But that’s not how you heal. You can’t beat him until you turn the tables and take control.”

Him.

Luther Torian.

The man who continues to torment my thoughts from beyond the grave.

“Your brother will hate me saying this,” she adds, “but trust in Luca. He’s a great guy. And from what I’ve seen and heard, he’s willing to do anything for you.”

“He’s burdened to do everything for me,” I correct, squeezing my eyes tighter. “He doesn’t even want to be here.”

“Really?”

When she doesn’t elaborate, I look at her, finding her brows raised in question.

“Penny, do you really think a guy like that, all strong, determined, protective, and annoyingly stubborn would do anything he didn’t want to do?” Her brows remain hiked. “Hewantsto be here. Hewantsto help you. Otherwise he would’ve hightailed it long ago, dumping your ass on my doorstep as he went.”

“He’s honorable. He wouldn’t—”

“Make all the excuses you want. But like I said, if you feed yourself that negative bullshit, it’s going to eat away at you. Use Luca while you’ve got him. What do you have to lose?”

His respect.

His sanctuary.

She gives me a pointed look. “What did I say about the negative shit? Your eyes seriously speak volumes. Maybe that’s something you can work on, too.” She winks at me and pushes from her seat. “Now, before I completely outstay my welcome, I’m going to leave. I’d like to come back tomorrow, though.”

“For another highly motivational pep talk?” I ask. “Or to continue spying for my brother?”

She laughs. “Look at you letting down your guard to be a comedian. But just so you know, I’ll totally be back for both. Now go find Luca and talk to him.”

“About what?”

“Whatever comes to mind.”

She walks for the door, leaving me to deal with the emotional whiplash as she disappears inside. One minute I’m content in my isolation, appreciating the distance Luca has given me—the next I’m thinking about where he is and if I should listen to her advice.

Since returning to the States, I’ve become increasingly indecisive. Almost constantly manic. Calm on the outside, a whole bunch of crazy on the inside.

In captivity, I’d only had the option to fight. Strategy was all that ran through my mind.

Now there’s no need to battle physically, so my brain wants to make it a mental challenge.

I’m hammered with thoughts. Memories. Fears.

The voices in my head are a looped recording filled with panic and shame. And I can’t quieten them. I’ve tried. They multiply no matter what I do. Despite how fortunate I am.

---