Page 184 of Saving Her

“Stop it,” I snarl to myself and slide from the bed, unwilling to let the negativity burrow further. Not tonight. Not after what just happened.

I make my way to the bathroom down the hall, distracting myself by using the facilities and freshening up.

I even tidy the vanity cupboards in an attempt to keep the taunting thoughts at bay, but it doesn’t help. I question myself, wondering if I moved too fast. If the intimate moment should’ve been more difficult. If I’m a fraud for not being shattered by a man touching me.

Should I have hated the experience?

Why was it easy for him to bring me pleasure after so much pain?

The thoughts pound through my mind, gaining force, stealing away what bliss I had and replacing it with a cage of mental torture.

A tightening, restricting cell.

Breathing becomes harder, my lungs unable to be filled.

The light thud of approaching footfalls soothes me. Luca is here. Outside the bathroom door. I can feel him as if he’s on the other side of the wood, waiting for me to come out.

“You’re not okay, are you?” he murmurs through the barrier between us.

His insight draws a sob from my throat. “I’m confused. That’s all.”

The door creeps open, and I’m forced to step to the side as his stern face of concern bears down on me, authoritative and strong.

“Talk to me,” he demands in a gruff growl.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Say whatever’s in your head. Did I hurt you? Are you scared of me? Did I push you too far?”

“No. It’s none of that.”

“Then why are you upset?”

“I’m not. I promise. I’m just overwhelmed. Both happy and… I can’t explain.”

“Self-sabotaging?”

I open my mouth to protest, but pause instead. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. I just thought that either way, this exploration had to end badly. Either you hated it and felt accordingly. Or you didn’t, but your mind and body are so used to feeling like shit that you don’t know how to react any other way.”

I cock my head, blinking as I hold his gaze.

Maybe that’s it.

Maybe that’s exactly it.

I want to be happy. The euphoria and bliss were everything in the heat of the moment, then as soon as thoughts had the time to fester, they turned the light to dark. “How did you know?”

He gives a sad smile. “’Cause I’m brilliant.”

“No, really. How did you know?”

“Trauma has a lot of shitty bonus prizes that tend to bite you on the ass when you least expect it.”

“You know from experience.” It’s not a question. I can see it in his eyes.

“I know enough. But none of that matters now. Let’s get you back to bed.”

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