Page 93 of Saving Her

I never wanted to see myself as a victim. I’d always fought. Strategized. Manipulated. I stupidly had the misunderstanding that I was beating Luther somehow. That I was trapped playing his game, but I’d figured out a way to cheat him.

Turns out they knew what I was doing and punished those I love because of it.

And now I’m so goddamn broken I can’t even cry to let the turmoil escape. My tears dried years ago, probably never to be seen again.

When the water turns my skin to wrinkles, I shut off the taps and dry myself, reclaiming the dress made from material that harbors a lifetime of unwanted memories. I’ve been choked in this dress. Gagged.

I have no energy anymore. No determination. I’m done.

There’s nothing left to do but crawl into the crisp bed and pray for the peace of sleep that doesn’t bless me for a long time. I doze briefly, my consciousness fading in and out until Tobias crawls onto the mattress in front of me to spoon against my chest.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.” He nestles closer, not protesting when I wrap my arms around him.

“It’s okay. I’m glad you did.” I nuzzle my face into the back of his neck. “How was your time with Keira?”

“She’s nice.” He snuggles in tight, his warmth enveloping me. “We had more cookies and hot chocolate. And she told me how Sebastian always steals her favorite thin mints or hides them from her. I don’t know what thin mints are but she said she’ll buy me some when we get to her house.”

“Her house?” My heart pangs, my entire body protesting his speedy connection to his half-sister.

“She lives in Portland.” He yawns. “It’s in Oregon. You know, where Baba was from? She says I can come live with her for a little while. Or with her sister and my niece. She said I get to choose. Where do you think we should stay?”

We.

He asks with such naive simplicity. As if I’ll be with him, our futures entwined when I’m not sure they will even brush. “Why don’t you decide?”

“Are you sure?” He pauses. “What’s wrong? You seem sad.”

I shake my head and refuse to sniff away the tingle in my nose. “I’m tired, that’s all.”

I’m sure if he was older he’d be able to see through the thinly veiled placation. My barely restrained resentment of Keira, too. He’s slipping through my fingers so fast. I almost can’t believe how easily he’s taken to his new family, until I acknowledge the iron fist he’s lived with since birth.

“I’m tired, too.” He wiggles, bumping into me. “You can help me decide in the morning.”

“I’m leaving soon, Tobias. You understand that, right?”

“Mmm.” He nods into me. “You’re going to America and I need to stay here with Keira and Cole. But it’s only for a little while. Just like a sleepover.”

I press my lips into his hair and close my eyes. “Yeah. Just like a sleepover.”

There’re moments of silence, the nothingness stretching into agonizing heartbeats. I want to cling to him. To squeeze so tight. But I refuse to let him see me suffer. He’s already been through enough.

“You’re not going to miss Baba, are you?” He turns toward me to stare through the darkness. “Not even a little bit?”

“No,” I answer honestly. “I won’t.”

“I don’t want to miss him either,” he whispers. “But I do.”

“Oh, sweetheart, it’s okay to feel that way. You’re allowed to miss him, and you’re allowed to want to forget him, too. It’s even okay to miss him one minute and want to forget him the next. There’s no rules for grief.”

“Grief?”

I give a half-hearted smile. “It’s an adult word to describe the mix of feelings we have when someone dies.”

“I don’t like grief. It hurts.”

“Yes, it does. But it gets easier with time.” Or so I’m told.

“Keira lost her baba today, too. Do you think she knows he was a bad man?”

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