Page 35 of Almost Love

Gracie was also restless because of it. While she wasn’t a service dog and hadn’t been trained to help with his post-traumatic stress disorder and sobriety, she was very attuned to his moods. Even though she preferred the comfort of her own bed, she’d taken to sleeping tucked against his side, to make sure he was okay. Any time his knee started bouncing, Gracie would set one paw on his leg to make him stop. If he was lying on the couch and started to fidget, she would slide her fluffy body under one hand to help him calm down.

It had been a long time since his anxiety was triggered this way and for a while, he forgot how to manage it. Thankfully work kept him busy and he had his head buried in sketches and ink. It was still quite a lot for someone who didn’t handle their anxiety well.

Naturally it worried Kristof.

“You’re vibrating. What’s going on?”

“I agreed to a no-strings-attached sex deal with a woman and she hasn’t called or texted in three days and I’m wondering if she’s regretting her decision and also I don’t know if this is a good idea anymore,” he said, inhaling sharply when he finished.

Beside him on the couch, Gracie stood up on her hind legs and set her front paws on his shoulder. He swallowed and forced himself to breathe slowly. When he opened his eyes, he found Kristof watching him curiously.

“Okay, let’s start from the beginning,” he said softly and Oakley nodded. “I’m assuming that despite telling me you were going to go find random singles in your area, you didn’t.”

Scoffing, he shook his head. “I met random singles and made a sex deal with one of them.”

“Be serious.”

“I’m not good at flirting and I’m clearly not good at asking for what I want, so meeting random singles for sex sounds like a lot of work.”

“What is your biggest fear?”

He sighed, slumping back on the couch as Gracie rested her head on his thigh. He dragged his fingers through her golden fur and thought back toallof his fears. He’d spent most of high school with the same person and the relationship had been great while it lasted. When he graduated and decided to make surfing his full time career, she hopped on his fame train. Then everything crumbled and she walked away, leaving him alone and miserable. The only thing that could keep him going at the time were the copious amounts of drugs at his disposal. He’d smoked weed for years, but having access to Oxy and Fentanyl made it easier to numb himself. Mix that with the best booze money could buy and Oakley was constantly high.

The people he met, the lifestyle he indulged in, the pain he numbed away; it was all bad for him. But he didn’t stop. He got hooked and let himself go. Sex with strangers was his secondary drug and some of it left him in more pain, while the rest of it left him unsatisfied. It was easy to block out the ugly and focus only on the good and that’s what he did.

Until during a session with Kristof he was asked if he had been raped. Then all the chaos in his head came tumbling down.

Four months in and out of rehab, one hundred and twenty days of counseling and Oakley had still been a little nervous about sex. When he finished his final stint in rehab and reallygot his shit together, he decided to date. He met people, went on multiple first dates and nothing else. At first, he never disclosed he was a recovering addict, so they always ended up in bars. Once he started making that known, less people were interested.

Then he met a fellow addict who charmed his pants off. They dated for three weeks before the subject of sex came up. When Oakley was standing naked in front of him, he had a panic attack. Kristof had to talk him off the ledge and Mia, his sponsor, showed up to clear his apartment of everything that could lead him down that path.

It took him close to two years to meet someone else. Jasper was great, he listened as Oakley explained himself and helped him get comfortable with sex. It was during this time that he discovered having an orgasm was nearly impossible. When he was alone, rubbing one out, he could make himself come. If someone else was touching him, his body would shut down. The shame of his past, the anxiety that came with sex would cause his mind to wander and that would be the end. Getting hard had never been the problem, finding his release…well, that was a struggle. When Jasper broke up with him, he insisted that it wasn’t his delayed orgasm that caused the end of their relationship. To Oakley, that’s exactly what it was.

For years after that, whenever he met people, he’d start thinking about the moment when their relationship would turn sexual. He’d panic and worry about how that person would feel when he couldn’t come. Being charming was easy. It was what came after that didn’t work for him. Oakley liked people and they returned the feeling, but he’d stopped thinking about sex.

Until Clementine made a deal with him.

“Stay with me, kid. Your biggest fear with sex,” Kristof repeated.

Shaking out the dark thoughts in his head, he said, “That I’ll be a disappointment. That she’ll think it’s weird that I have ahard time with my orgasms. That she’ll never want anything to do with me again.”

“That’s a fair reason to be scared. But, and hear me out—” Kristof held his hands up, a small smile on his lips which Oakley returned as he shifted the laptop on his knees ”—what if you’re everything she ever wanted and it completely transforms both your lives?”

“I’m supposed to be the one with the positive outlook, since when do you see the world so brightly?”

Kristof laughed. “Been learning from you, what can I say? And look, I get the fear. It’s been a few years and you like this woman, but it could also be the best thing ever. Right?”

“Right.”

“And push comes to shove, be honest with her. Tell her about your history with sex and how you’ve worked to slowly overcome those things.”

“That will scare the shit out of her, Kris. I don’t want that either.”

“What if it doesn’t? You’ve survived these last few years looking at the positive side of things. Don’t suddenly give up.”

Nodding slowly, he looked at Gracie, now fast asleep in his lap. He knew that Clementine wouldn’t judge his history, but he was also fucking terrified of what it would mean if she saw him differently. People did crazy things when they were grieving and some survived, some didn’t. He persisted and Kristof had helped him get to where he was today.

“Have you considered that maybe she’s nervous too? People make sex out to be this thing that everyone must do and enjoy, but there are no hard and fast rules about it. The great thing about intimacy with another person is that you can often learn how to enjoy it together. Make it personal, make it about the two of you. Forget everyone else, forgeteverything else. This isonlyabout you and her.”

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