Page 87 of Almost Love

CHAPTER 24

It had been days since the most incredible and powerful night of his life and Oakley was still replaying it constantly. The way she held him, the softness in her eyes as she watched him—he never imagined to find love of that kind in this lifetime. After losing his parents, struggling with his addiction and rehab following that; feeling like he belonged was unreal.

“Sorry about pushing the session back twice, kid. You holding up okay?” Kristof said as soon as the call connected.

Oakley nodded, unable to stop smiling. “I had an orgasm.”

He’d spent the morning running through different ways to talk about that night. How to tell Kristof what had happened. How to explain that he’d finally broken through the one barrier that had made him miserable for years. In the week since, he’d had two more. It didn’t happen every time, but when it did he would collapse into her arms as she clung to him. Clementine reminded him that it wasn’t something to fix, but something to figure out. Together. And boy, did she figure out all of his buttons.

His therapist leaned back with a wide smile.

“And?”

“The first time…” he sighed and recalled the moments that followed the not-so-dry humping. “I wept like a fucking baby. She held me through it. God, sheheld methrough the whole thing.”

“Do you feel relieved? Excited? Confused? What’s going on in your head?”

Pursing his lips, he tried to gather his thoughts and make sense of it all. Howdidhe feel? After crying in her arms, he’d been embarrassed. In the days since then, it felt incredible to know that this woman would be there with him no matter what. She always offered to help him get there, but some days it was hard to climb out of his head, so she would let him do it alone.

“All of the above, I think. I know you’ll be upset with me for saying this, but that first night, I was so glad that I wasn’t broken.” He didn’t look at his screen as he said the words, already visualizing Kristof’s displeased expression. “It’s been years since I’ve been comfortable enough to let a partner see me that vulnerable, but with her…I know it’s okay to fall apart, to cry and to feel broken. Because she doesn’t judge me for it or expect something else. She wants me.”

“What doyouwant?”

“Her.”

Kristof snorted and Gracie hopped onto the couch to peer at the screen. When she saw that it was a therapy session, she settled, head resting on Oakley’s thigh.

“You know what scares me?” At his therapist’s nod, Oakley continued, “Every time I’m ready to admit my feelings, she says or does something that makes me stop. That night, we talked and agreed to be more, right? But neither of us said whatmoremeant. Then after a pretty insensitive moment on my part, I was trying to make up for it and she pulled out a vibrator instead. I know she likes me, but I don’t know how she really feels. Am Ibeing foolish by holding on to something that might not become more?”

Sensing his distress, Gracie climbed into his lap to set her paws on his chest, effectively blocking his view of Kristof.

His therapist chuckled and said, “Thank you, Gracie. But let me ask you something. Why haven’t you told her how you feel?”

“I don’t want her to panic and run away.”

“Will she do that?”

Smoothing back Gracie’s fur, he kissed her head and shrugged as she curled up in his lap. “I don’t know. She’s a little wary and based on her history, I get it. She also flat out told me that it’s scary.”

The look in her eyes had broken his heart. Whatever that asshole had made her feel before ripping it away had fractured something in her. Most people talked about crushes like they were a phase, but he knew that for Clementine they were so much more. He never wanted her to feel like she didn’t have that control or space to explore things on her terms, but he also didn’t want to not tell her how she made him feel.

“Then you just have to wait for her to be ready, kid.”

And what if she’s never ready for me?Instead of voicing his thoughts, he nodded. Oakley kept his eyes on Gracie, but he could feel Kristof watching him.

“Have you been to a meeting recently?”

“Going to one today,” he said. His phone had very politely reminded him about this session and the meeting later in the day.

“Good. What else is going on with you?”

“I miss them,” he admitted softly. “The other day, I was thinking about how much they would love Clementine. How Dad would be the first in line at her bakery. And I realized that I haven’t stopped to think about them in a while, felt guilty and hated myself for it.”

“Do you still feel guilty?”

“No. I know that thinking about them all the time isn’t healthy. That’s what got me into trouble in the first place. But also, yes? It feels like I’m moving on.”

“You’re movingforward, kid. Your family is always going to be a part of you, no matter where you go or what changes your life goes through. But moving forward is crucial. Staying where you were when I met you would be unfair to you and your recovery.”

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