Page 46 of Almost Always

She smiled and nodded. While she wouldn’t wish divorce on anyone and would have preferred not to go through heartbreak at all, those things had made her into the woman she was today.

“Think of it this way, if we hadn’t lost touch, you wouldn’t have your absolutely adorable son.”

“Maybewewould have had one.”

There was absolutely no way to hide how she reacted to that statement. Her eyes slipped shut as she leaned away from him. He couldn’t know the impact those words would have on her, how desperately she wanted them to be true. Not necessarily thattheyhad a kid together, but that she had a kid at all. So many people didn’t think about being a mother when they were kids, but she put it on the list at the back of her journal—be a good mom.

Having spent six awful years with a terrible mother, then growing up without one until her father married Pia, she wanted to break the cycle. She had so much love to give and she wanted to shower all of that on a child of her own. Thanks to the Ames family, she knew that she would raise the best kids in the world.

Her body, however, wasn’t on the same page. Her bulimia triggered a hormonal imbalance which led to her PCOD?* diagnosis. The doctors said that she could get pregnant, but there might be complications. She did her own research and found that while other women with PCOD hadn’t had any trouble during their pregnancy, she might not be that lucky. Daisy knew that in trying to please her mother from a distance, she’d taken away her chance to have it all.

Now Rafferty was talking about how they could have kids together and it sparked a fresh round of frustration.

“Daze, you okay?”

She saw the confusion in his eyes and remembered that he hadno ideawhat she had gone through. The words came out clipped anyway. “Callahan was a surprise, wasn’t he?”

“Yeah.”

“Before you found out she was pregnant, did you want kids?”

He frowned. “Why?”

“Answer the question.” She hated the wobble in her words.

He hesitated, watching her intently. “No.”

“Yeah.” The word came out as a loud whoosh, before she added, “I always wanted to be a mother, to give my kids what my mother could never give me. So yes, I would have loved for us to have a son like Cal. But we didn’t and we won’t.”

“What?”

How could she lay the truth at his feet right now? She had put it to the back of her mind for so long and now that it was in the forefront she felt like she was choking on it. Blowing out a breath, she shook her head. “Nothing, I should get back to work.”

“Daze,” he whispered as she started to walk away. “Hey, come here.”

She could feel the ghost of his hands, but he wasn't touching her. Looking up, she saw the anguish in his eyes and it was clear her words had been a surprise to him. He hadn’t expected her to take his casual words so seriously or to feel so deeply about any of that.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that or made it seem so simple and easy. I’m sorry that you weren’t able to have what you wanted, that something you yearned for so deeply wasn’t given to you. I wish…I do honestly wish our lives had been different, that you and I could have built this world together.”

Tears were sliding down her cheeks now and she nodded, understanding what he was saying. That was the thing—it wasn’t just about kids, it was about a life with him. She didn’t have the two things she hoped for and she wasn’t sure how to explain that to him.

“Good luck with your meetings, Raff. We’ll…we’ll talk about this later, okay?” she whispered and saw his hands rise, but stepped away quickly, wiping at her face furiously. She closed the door to her office and collapsed to the floor, allowing herselfto cry for everything she’d lost for the first time in a really long time.

* In PCOD (Polycystic Ovarian Disease) the ovaries start releasing immature eggs that lead to hormonal imbalances and swollen ovaries, among other symptoms; while in PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome), endocrine issues cause the ovaries to produce excess androgens, which makes eggs prone to becoming cysts. These cysts won’t, however, be released like in PCOD - rather they build up in the ovaries themselves. [Information from Unicef.org]

CHAPTER 15

“Iwould have loved for us to have a son like Callahan. But we didn’t and we won’t.”

The words played on loop for hours after he’d left Daisy’s shop. He knew it wasn’t entirely his fault for not understanding what she had gone through or what she meant, but he was unsettled by her admission. Showing up at the Patch had been about spending time with her before he left for New York because he knew he wouldn’t see her for three more days.

Except it turned into something else and she was upset with him.

It started fine, with subtle flirting and mentions of past kisses. He also thought she wouldn’t hate it if he touched her, but none of that happened. Especially with Gavin and Ginny showing up. Once they were gone, everything changed.

He could recall, with startling clarity, the way her expression shuttered, blocking him out as he tried to piece together what he’d said that could upset her. He’d spent his whole life making sure that he was never insensitive, weighing and measuring his words in his head before they came out of his mouth. Clearly the conversation with her hadn’t gone the same way.

Twenty years ago, they’d never talked about the future in such certain terms. It had always been about the time they were spending together, so he didn’t know that she wanted to be a mother so badly. It made sense, though. That she’d want to do something her own mother had done so badly. And thinking about it, Daisy would be the most incredible mother. She was so caring and empathetic, but she also had her head firmly on her shoulders. Plus, she worked her ass off to build a business from the ground up all on her own. But her words made it clear the one dream she held out hope for was shattered and he reminded her of it with his words.

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