Page 50 of Almost Always

Rafferty

[image of two brownstones attached]

New York really isn’t the same without you. But my dad says ‘hi’ and hopes you’ll make a trip up the next time I’m here.

I don’t blame you for ignoring me, but I would love a chance to apologize. And maybe for you to tell me where I went wrong because I don’t like this distance, Daze. We’ve been apart for twenty years, why are we doing this to ourselves again?

I would write out my entire apology in this chat if I could, but I always promised you that I would look you in the eyes and apologize for my fuck ups. So please give me the opportunity to do that.

I just need 15 minutes. Okay, maybe 20. Actually, let’s say an hour. Whenever you’re ready, you know where to find me.

CHAPTER 16

MAY

It had been two days since her meltdown at the shop and she was at her scheduled therapy session. Even without glancing at Anastasia, her therapist, Daisy knew that she was concerned.

“As much as I like looking at you for hours at a time, I’d like for you to talk to me too.”

She sighed at the playful tone and tried to navigate through the mess in her head. The last two days had allowed her to replay their conversation and see that her reaction was based entirely on her history, which Rafferty had no idea about. It was unfair to ignore him. Especially since he sent her texts and a picture after he reached New York. The photograph of their brownstones had made her teary, even more because someone else was living in the house that had once been her safe space. She was anxious about everything she’d said, that the thought of rehashing it made her want to crawl into a hole and never leave.

“Remember my firefighter friend? Well, I was unfair to him a few days ago and I don’t know how to fix it,” she said, chewing on the inside of her cheek.

“Take me through what happened.”

Even though she made a face, because repeating that day made her uncomfortable, Daisy laid it all out for her therapist. “I don’t like talking about that part of my life, for obvious reasons. And I know he doesn’t know my history. But when he said that if we’d stayed in touch and been together, we might have had a kid together, I lashed out.” Rubbing her forehead, she groaned. “The thing is, I don’t know if he said it as a flirty thing or if he meant it seriously. “

“Do you knowwhyyou snapped?”

She winced, playing with the end of her braid. “Had it been anyone else, it would have been this cute and maybe even romantic moment. But not for someone who has had to deal with the things I have.”

“Don’t brush offyourreality by saying that. You’re allowed to feel what you do, without explaining it. Now, why did it upset you?”

She picked at her cuticles and glared at the chipped nail polish. “Because I’m never going to have that life, with him or anyone else. I can’t just sayyeah, maybe that’ll be us one day, when I know that I can never give him or myself that.” She tucked her hands under her thighs and added, “I didn’t say any of that, though. I didn’t tell him why I was upset. I just…walked away.”

Anastasia didn’t say anything, just let them sit in silence for a long time.

“Wait, I did say that I had dreams of one day being a mother and would have loved to have that life with him. I also said that I couldn’t have that anymore. He was confused, then surprised by my reaction. Because obviously, I sounded like a deranged person.”

“Remember, we don’t use those terms. You’ve been through a lot. It’s normal for certain things to be a trigger. But let’s look at it from his side,” Anastasia said. “He’s thought about what alife would be like with you, like you have, and he’s imagined the two of you having kids together. Itiscute and romantic. Yes, he said it casually. To him, that’s not how it appears. He was being honest and open.”

Her head spun at those words. She closed her eyes and recalled the way he looked when her tone changed. Surprised might have been too tame a word to express that. He looked shocked and hurt when she pushed him away. What should have been a good day to spend together before he left turned into one they spent apart.

Jesus, I’m such a fucking mess.

“You’re not a mess.”

“Oh god,” she mumbled, covering her eyes at the realization she’d said those words out loud. She laughed and shook her head before relaxing into the couch.

Anastasia smiled. “Has he gotten in touch since?”

“Yeah.”

“What did he say?”

“He apologized. He doesn’t know what he’s sorry for, but he hates that he made me feel that way.”

Her therapist nodded. “And I’m assuming you haven’t replied.”

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