Page 66 of The Complication
The idea of handing Joy off to a nanny had my hands trembling.
“I don’t understand why you’re so upset.”
My head was shaking, but I couldn’t get the words out. Panic flooded into my brain, washing everything else away.
Declan put the folder on his desk and rested a hand on my shoulder, squeezing. “Talk to me. What’s wrong?”
“Everything is wrong. It’s all wrong.”
“I’m sorry for suggesting the nanny. I was concerned about Joy’s health. She’s still so young and vulnerable.”
“Yes, but she’s vaccinated, and the daycare takes precautions. Viruses are always going around. Kids are walking petri dishes, growing up all kinds of nastiness. That’s part of life. Joy can’t build up a healthy immunity to germs if she never gets sick.”
I paced away from Declan and shoved my hands into my hair, grabbing handfuls and pulling. The minor pain helped to clear the fear away enough to find some words. “And what about when it’s time for her to start preschool and kindergarten? Do we hire in a teacher? She’s just homeschooled for the next eighteen years of her life? Trust me, I know school sucks. Especially high school. But there’s a lot of good shit that happens in school. Your first crush. Friends. Meeting the person who’s going to be your best friend.” I swung around and pinned him with a sharp look. “Wouldn’t your life be massively different if you’d never met Sebastian?”
“It would have been, yes. I’m not suggesting that Joy needs to be homeschooled. That’s something that doesn’t need to be decided for several years.”
With a grunt, I resumed pacing, dropping my hands back to my sides. “Didn’t you say that a nanny raised you?”
“Yes, I was. She was nice.”
“Yeah, and she saved your dad from needing to have anything to do with you. If we were to get a nanny for Joy, does that mean we’d be spending that much less time with her? Is that your way of getting past me having a kid? When we first started fucking, you were very clear that you didn’twant kids. And with a nanny, you can almost pretend that I don’t have one.”
“That’s not fair,” Declan snarled. His pale face flushed red. “Yes, in the beginning, we were both single and childless. I thought I could never be happy having a child in my life, but after spending the past two months with Joy, I’ve found that I was wrong. I adore her. She’s very precious to me, and I treasure every moment that I get to spend with her. No, I don’t want a nanny to take that time away from me. If we were to hire one, I envision this person just watching over her for about five to six hours through the middle of the day, during the time we’re both working. Early morning, evenings, and weekends would be our time together.”
So, he really saw the nanny as replacing the daycare, and that was it. However, if she was live-in, we’d have an almost built-in babysitter for our dates.
“Oh…” I mumbled. “No, still. She needs time with other kids and people. She needs to learn to socialize and get more exposure to the world. Maybe it’s not as big a deal at seven months, but it will be soon. Did you know that she already has other kids at daycare that she wants to be around? There’s another girl who is in her class, and she always wiggles to be close to her when they’re playing. I’m not a fucking child psychologist, but being with other kids feels important to me. Besides, Molly is the one who chose this daycare. She vetted it. This is what she wanted for her daughter.”
Declan’s frown deepened, and I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I wasn’t going to like what he was about to say. “Parker, I’m sorry. Molly is gone. Joy is your daughter. I understand you want to honor all of her wishes, but you’ve got to make your own choices. You can’t warp your life into what she would have wanted. Wouldn’t Molly have wanted you to raise your daughter how you saw fit? Not by the wishes of some ghost?”
“Molly isn’t a ghost. She’s Joy’s mother! Molly had allthese plans for Joy. Even before she found out that she was pregnant, she spent months doing research. She had notebooks filled with all the important information she’d gathered from reading a mountain of books. She knew what daycare and private school Joy was to attend. There were notes on pediatricians and food. Classes.Fuck!There was even a notebook on the extracurricular classes that Joy could go to. Everything from soccer to dance to gymnastics to freaking mixed media art and violin lessons.” A rush of air left me, and I sagged, almost swaying on my feet. “Some people dream of Hawaiian vacations and big promotions. Or maybe an enormous house. Molly dreamed of having a baby. And just as she was getting her first taste of that dream, she died and it’s…it’s not fucking fair. I was her best friend. The least I can do is try to carry out that dream for her and make sure that Joy has the life her mother wanted for her.”
“What about your life?”
My head snapped up at Declan’s whispered question. The brief anger had drained from his face and he looked worried.
“What about your life?” he repeated. “I don’t think the point was that Joy had to attend a certain school or play soccer, but that she had the love and support she needed to live a happy life. Don’t you think that’s what Molly wanted for her daughter? And if she was your best friend, I don’t think she would have wanted you to sacrifice your life and happiness for your daughter?”
Declan was making sense, and yet something he’d said earlier kept repeating in my brain, merging with what my mother had said more than a week ago.
I wandered to a black leather sofa in a far corner of the room and sank into the cushions. “My life,” I mumbled. “What have I done with my life recently?” This wasn’t the first time I’d heard this refrain. I just hadn’t expected it from Declan.
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve been living with you for six weeks. Did you know that I’ve not looked for a new apartment once? Not even glanced at a town house or condo. Six. Weeks.”
“You’ve been busy. Overwhelmed.”
“For six fucking weeks?” The words came out harsher than I meant them to, but I was frustrated and scared. “This was never meant to be a long-term arrangement. When I stayed that first night, I told myself that this was going to be a few days—a week at most. But I’ve been here six weeks, Declan.”
There was a long silence that expanded to consume the room. Declan broke the silence at last; his voice was surprisingly soft. “Haven’t you been happy here?”
Oh, fuck.It was like he’d slipped a knife between two of my ribs and into my heart. The sudden pain stole my breath away, and every instinct was to rush across the room to pull him into the tightest hug. But I remained seated with my head lowered. If I looked, if I touched him, I’d cave and nothing would change.
“I have.” My voice was sandpaper rough, and I swallowed twice to clear my throat. “I’ve felt so happy and safe here. Nothing to worry about. But it’s like I’ve let you wrap me up in this ball of cotton. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life anymore. It’s like I’m floating along the river, not making any choices for myself.”
I finally dared to peek up at Declan to find his face was blank, but I could see the hurt welling up in his eyes. “Think about it: if you were dating someone for less than a month, would you be living with them? Honestly.”
