Page 112 of Caged

She and Jack were blissfully happy, even when they argued.

I was happy for them, even if I was a little jealous.

I thought I’d have that, but Sara crushed my heart.

“We’re still discussing it,” Meg answered. She was about two months along, so they had plenty of time. “I want to keep with the Sheppard tradition, giving boys J names and girls M names, but Jack thinks it’ll be a pain in the ass.”

We all laughed. Ma would often end up yelling all three of our names anytime she yelled at one of us.

“Maybe start a tradition of your own,” Dad offered with a grin. “A less confusing one.” He’d had the same problem as Ma.

I laughed, “Jack’s right, it was a pain in the ass. I can’t tell you how many times my teachers called me Jamie or Jack.”

“Like that’s a bad thing,” Jamie said.

“It is when you want to be your own person, not the youngest Sheppard who can’t live up to his brothers’ legacies.” Shit, I hadn’t meant to say that out loud.

“What does that mean?” Jamie asked.

No time like the present to clear the air, and maybe let the past go so I could heal and move on.

“You know I was compared to you and Jack, and don’t pretend you don’t know I fell short. Every. Single. Time.” Not wanting to appear confrontational, I forced my hands to unfist.

“I didn’t,” Jamie said. “Did you?” he asked Jack.

“No,” Jack answered, never taking his eyes off me. “You never said anything.”

My chin fell to my chest as I ran my hands through my hair before gripping the back of my neck. “What was the point? I wasn’t as good in school as either of you and I couldn’t sit still, so I got in trouble a lot. It was one more reminder that I was a mistake.”

You could’ve heard a pin drop in the silence.

“Jaden,” Ma’s voice cracked with sadness.

“Mary,” Dad shook his head back and forth.

Jamie and Jack shared a look before Jamie asked, “Christ, Jay, you didn’t really believe that, did you?”

“He obviously did,” Jack answered. “I’m sorry, Jay. I was a dumb kid and meant it as a joke. I had no idea how much it hurt you, or that you still carry it with you.”

“Thanks,” I whispered.

“I’m sorry I didn’t realize it either,” Jamie added. He looked at me then at my parents, who wore matching expressions of shock and irritation. “You never told Mom and Dad?”

I swallowed, this part would hurt them more than knowing my brother’s teased me relentlessly, calling me a mistake.

“Why would I? I thought it was true,” I made eye contact with my mom first, knowing she’d need it. “I don’t believe it anymore.” I made eye contact with my dad. “I haven’t for a long time, but the feeling of not being good enough stuck around.”

“Jaden, you were a surprise, not a mistake. We were thrilled to bring another child into the family.” Dad stated the facts, this time keeping emotion out of his voice. Somehow, it made it easier for me to hear. For it to sink in.

Which reminded me of Cate, but I didn’t have time to linger on the thought.

“We’ve always loved you and we always will,” Ma said. “If you’d told me your brothers were teasing you like that, I would’ve boxed their ears.”

And they would’ve made my life miserable.No point in dwelling on it. I let it go and laughed as I envisioned her putting them in their place. Jamie and Jack brought their hands to their ears, just in case she followed through with the threat.

“Your ears are safe, for now, but don’t ever let me hear you talk to anyone like that ever again. Clear?” It was an unnecessary threat, they’d stopped a longtime ago.

“Yes, ma’am,” they answered, not bothering to keep the shame from their voices as they hung their heads.

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