Page 78 of Caged

“I haven’t been at SSI long, but your father and brothers have done nothing but praise you, the man you’ve turned into. They’re proud of you.”

My heartbeat was the only way to count the passage of time as I waited for him to respond.

“So they keep telling me, but it’s hard to believe. I’ve felt inferior my whole life. That’s one of the reasons I wanted to be a fireman instead of a cop.”

Why hadn't he? I could understand wanting to avoid direct comparison, which he’d do by being the only Sheppard male not on the police force.Well, he would’ve been if SSI hadn’t happened. I remembered Jack saying he would’ve joined the local PD but bought into SSI instead.

So why did Jay join SSI instead of becoming a fireman?

Wanting to talk about the more pressing matter, I added it to the list of things to ask him about later. “You know that feeling isn’t unique to you. I never felt like I was good enough and I’m an only child.” I said, hoping to get through to him.

It shouldn’t have mattered to me how he perceived himself or his place in his family, but it did. And I couldn’t let him die thinking he was a mistake. Expendable.

“What do you mean, you never felt good enough? You’re brilliant.”

Ignoring the compliment, I whispered, “I wasn’t good enough for my mom to stick around.” I rarely talked about her leaving, but it felt right telling Jaden. “She left because my dad couldn’t give her what she wanted. She claimed she felt like a single mom, and hated it.”Just say it. “I wasn’t enough for her.” The only other person I’d ever shared the details with was my best friend Charlie.

“Wow.” I could hear the shock and disgust in his voice.

“Yeah,” I said around a chuckle that hurt my bruised ribs.

“You know that wasn’t about you, right?”

Logically I did, but it'd left one hell of a scar. “I do.”

“What about your dad?”

“He did the best he could, but he really is married to the Marines. I was raised by an ever changing community of officers’ wives.” I paused to sip my water. “It could’ve been worse, but I never felt like I belonged.”

“I’m sorry.” For the first time, I realized having siblings might not have helped; Jaden grew up in a big family and still felt out of place.

“Because my father was gone so much, I had to take care of the house. It didn’t help that he’d be upset if I left a mess and would praise me anytime he came home to a clean house.”

“You had to grow up too fast.”

I had, and I developed OCD tendencies because of it. The need to be clean, organized, and perfect to feel worthy of love was as much a part of me as my red hair.

Most people thought it was cool I had so much in common with my father, but it hadn’t happened naturally. They didn’t know I’d made a lot of my decisions to please him. Boxing, getting an advanced degree, joining the Marines, and becoming an officer.

I forced myself to be like him so he’d love me. I killed myself to get good grades and excel at everything so he’d love me. I strived to be perfect so he’d love me.

I didn’t regret my choices; they’d made me the woman I was.And while there are a few things I wouldn’t mind changing, I’m proud of who I am. It wasn’t until I decided to leave the Marines that I broke the cycle. Unlike my father, I never wanted to be a lifer. Wanting to use my degree as a profiler instead, I applied to the FBI.

Investigating was my favorite part of being in the FBI, which was why it was easy to transition to the private sector when shit went bad.

“I did.”

Jaden rubbed my back, offering support, while we sat in silence. When the strobe started again, I curled up in his lap. He tucked me into his chest, using his body to block out most of the light.

The steady rhythm of his breathing, the gentle thump thump of his heart, and the warmth from his body offered me peace I hadn’t experienced since waking up in the limo.

No, it’s been longer than that.

When the light finally stopped, the alarm started. I blocked my ears the best I could while listing every teacher I’d had since kindergarten. I failed, no longer physically or emotionally strong enough to fight off the intrusive sound.

It lasted forever.I don’t care that Jaden said he only recited the Raider’s creed seventeen times.

When the foghorn blasted, Jaden set me down on the floor and walked to the middle of the cage, the loss of his warmth caused me to shiver.

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