Page 73 of Rival for Rent

“And as you got older, you felt guilty about that,” he went on. “Which would explain why you said you don’t remember any of it. I thought you had to be lying at first, but now I’m not so sure. I think you were so embarrassed by what you did—and what itmight mean—that you pushed it so far down evenyoudidn’t remember it happened.”

“You’re being—”

“And realizing that made me think it might explain why you don’t talk about the Marines either. I think something happened to you there, and you’re scared of what it means, so you’re trying to pushthataway too. But Mason, you don’t have to. You don’t have to be afraid of anything. You can tell me, and I promise—”

“Oh, I can tell you, can I?” I snarled, unable to take any more. “You want me to kneel at your feet and repent so you can absolve me? That would feel good, wouldn’t it? Make you feel powerful? I might’ve beaten you up in high school, but now you get to see me as a poor little broken boy, and you’re the only one who can fix me?”

“That’s not what I’m saying at all,” Kai snapped back, and god, the sight of his nostrils flaring was a relief. I’d finally gotten a rise out of him. “I don’t want to have power over you. I want tohelpyou. Like you helped me.”

“And I’m just supposed to believe that?” I said. “Believe you’ve magically forgiven me for everything I did, no matter how awful I was?”

“Yeah,” he said, incredulous. “Yeah, you are. Because I have.”

“Well, I haven’t,” I spat. “And for the record, Idoremember some of it. I remember punching you in the library. I remember stripping you naked and leaving you taped to a goal post overnight. I remember—I remember—fuck.”

I broke off and closed my eyes, trying to block out the burn behind them. There was so much I couldn’t remember, and Ididn’twantKai to be right about why not. When I opened my eyes, I locked him in a glare.

“I was horrible to you. You have no reason to forgive me.”

“No reason except everything you’ve done for me these past few weeks.” He shook his head. “If anything, I should be askingyoufor forgiveness. If I hadn’t dragged you into my mess, you wouldn’t have gotten hurt.”

“And if I’d done my job right, we would’ve caught the guy by now,” I said, disgusted with myself. “I was so cocky, thinking I could handle it all. I even got a tracking device—a tiny one I was going to stick to the guy’s clothes in case he ran. But I didn’t think about him having backup. Didn’t even get the damn thing on him before I passed out. I checked. It’s back at the police station with all the other evidence. Probably next to that dead rat.” My voice was scathing, but it still wasn’t enough. “I should’ve made you go to the cops earlier about those notes. Shouldn’t have thought I could do this on my own.”

“Youdidtry to make me,” Kai said. “I’m the one who stopped you. That’s on me.”

I shook my head. “No, it’s not. All of this is on me. If I’d actually managed to catch the guy, maybe it could’ve made up for some of the shit I pulled in high school. But I couldn’t even do that.”

“Jesus, you don’t have to make up for it!” Kai said, throwing his hands up. “Not everyone lives in the past, Mason.”

“Maybe more of us should.”

He shook his head. “I don’t know what I have to do to convince you I’ve moved on.” He laughed softly. “Would a blow job do it? Because by my count, I still owe you an orgasm.”

“You don’t owe me anything.”

Kai slid along the bed until he sat right next to me, his hip resting against my thigh. This close, his eyes were huge and dark, and I wanted nothing more to sink into them and be swallowed up. This close, I could smell a hint of the wine he’d had with dinner, and his herbal shampoo.

This close, I found it really hard to remember why I was supposed to push him away.

“Come on, you’ve had an objectively awful twenty-four hours. Let me make you feel good. It doesn’t have to be anything more than what it is.”

Was that true? Was Amir wrong? Maybe Kai did just see this as physical.

He put his hand on my thigh, and I closed my eyes. I inhaled deeply, trying to find the strength to tell him no. But it was so hard with his hand on me. When I opened my eyes, he was leaning in close.

“Please?” he whispered.

I want to know if you’re going to hurt him.

The words flashed through my mind, and I pushed him back.

“I can’t, Kai. Not tonight.”

Not ever, if Amir is right.

Kai looked hurt, but I forced myself to remain firm. He held my gaze, then finally nodded. Disappointment filled his features, but he nodded.

“I’ll let you rest,” he said softly. “But while you’re here wallowing, just know that I forgive you. And I’m not going to give up on you.”

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