Page 38 of The Sound of Silence

“Ladies, please position yourself around the mat. I need a volunteer to help me demonstrate a new maneuver I’d like to teach you.” A bunch of hands shot up so fast, I nearly snorted. Who wouldn’t want to volunteer to be the student when the teacher looked like Derek Mills? “Ahhh, you ladies never disappoint. So many volunteers! But I think I’m going to break in the new girl today. What do you say, Val?”

“Me?” I questioned in surprise. “But I don’t know how to do anything yet.”

“That’s exactly why I want you. I want to get rid of any preconceived notions you might have about self-defense. A lot of people think it involves nothing more than punches and kicks. However, I teach more than that, including how to anticipate an attack and how to avoid it. That’s one of the things I want to teach today. You up for it?”

“Um… sure.” I shrugged. “Why not?” I walked over to the middle of the mat, where he stood. Turning his attention to the class, he began to explain how to escape or defend a chokehold from the front.

“In this scenario, the attacker is trying to choke you, either pushing or knocking you backward. This attack needs to be countered quickly because you could hit your head if you fall while being pushed. In addition, if you land on the ground, you could have someone on top of you choking you.”

I froze at his words, humiliation wrapping its slimy tentacles around my neck. Visions of myself, flat on my stomach on the kitchen floor, swirled in my subconscious until they became reality. I felt Ethan pounding into me from behind like a battering ram, relentless and unforgiving. Rooted to the spot, I was overcome by the visceral memories that tormented my dreams by night and cloaked me in shame by day.

Lost in a haze of these sordid memories, I completely tuned out Derek’s words. Because of that, I didn’t anticipate his next move. When his hand reached up to wrap around my neck, his grip was soft and anything but violent. Nevertheless, the reaction he sparked from me was instant.

“No! Don’t!”

Backing up, I instinctively slapped his hand away.

“Val, are you alright? I didn’t mean—”

“I don’t…I don’t think I can do this. I appreciate the chance and the free trial but I have to go. This just isn’t… it isn’t for me.”

I hurried to the side of the room to grab my things, completely aware of the sympathetic stares from the other women. They could stare all they want. They didn’t know anything about me or about what I’d been through. Every last one of them could piss off for all I cared.

As I approached the doors that would take me back to my apartment, I heard Derek call out.

“Hang on! Wait! Let’s talk about this.”

I didn’t stop moving. I just needed to get the hell out of there and go back to the safety of my apartment—where I could make sure the window latches were securely locked and the door was barricaded closed. I could barely breathe in the vast openness of the gym.

I need air.

That thought had me turning on my heel and heading in a different direction. Instead of exiting through the interior door that connected the apartment building to the gym, I headed for the main doors. I needed fresh, clean air before I suffocated.

When I stepped out onto the street, a crisp October breeze assaulted my senses and instantly cooled my overheated skin. Leaning against the exterior brick wall, I brought a hand to my chest, closed my eyes and began counting to ten. I inhaled and exhaled, my measured breaths calming the racing beats of my heart. I’d only made it to five when I heard Derek’s hesitant voice.

“Val?” Slowly, I opened my eyes to meet his. Hazel irises the color of autumn stared back at me, the gold, green, and amber clouded with concern. “Just breathe. I think you’re having a panic attack.”

I closed my eyes again and continued to count.

Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.

Feeling relatively calmer, I lowered my hand down to my side and directed a measured stare at Derek.

“I’m sorry, Derek. I’ve been through…” I faltered and struggled to find the words. “I’ve been through some things. I can’t explain—”

“You don’t have to explain anything,” he interrupted. “Many of the women in that room have been where you are. It’s not my place to ask questions. Every single one of you has a reason for being in that class. That reason belongs to you and you alone. I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable. That wasn’t my intent.”

Natalia’s words from long ago rang in my mind.“There are other men out there—kind and good men—who wouldn’t treat their wife this way.”

But I wasn’t Gia anymore. I was Val—a broken shell of the woman I used to be before Ethan. Perhaps Derek was a kind and good man, but there was no way for me to know—and I sure as hell couldn’t trust my judgment. Still, in my head, I knew Derek wasn’t Ethan. It hadn’t been Ethan’s hand on my neck back there in the defense class but the hand of a man who was simply trying to help. I sighed and straightened.

“I know it wasn’t your intent. I overreacted.”

Relief showed plainly on his face.

“So, what do you say? Want to come back to class?”

My face flushed at the mere thought of going back into that room. Seeing all the sympathetic stares from the other women was just too embarrassing. It was as if they could see through to my soul and to all the ugliness of my past, questioning why I had stayed with my husband for so long.

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