Page 88 of The Sound of Silence

I inhaled through my nose once… twice… three times.

“Vinyl from the mats. Rubber from the ring. Soap and sweat. Someone’s deodorant… Xi’s, I think.”

“Now, tell me what you feel.”

Keeping my eyes closed, I focused my attention on my body.

“I feel my heart beating on my chest. My skin is sticky. My muscles—”

“No, Gia. That’s not what I mean. Try again. What do you feelinside?” Derek asked again, emphasizing the last word. I shook my head, too embarrassed to say it out loud, but he was persistent. “How do you feel, Gia?”

“Weak,” I admitted in a whisper.

“Lie still. Take a deep breath. Inhale, exhale, then do it again. Inhale. Exhale. In through the nose, out through the mouth.” I did as he instructed, still sensing Xi hovering over me. I detected Derek moving closer until he was able to whisper directly into my ear. “You are not weak. You are not what he says you are. Tell yourself that.”

“I am not weak. I am not what he says I am.”

“You are smart and intelligent.”

“I am smart and intelligent,” I repeated, feeling somewhat silly.

“What happened is not your fault. You did not fail.” When I didn’t copy his words immediately, Derek’s voice grew louder, and he barked, “Say it!”

“What happened is not my fault! I did not fail!”

“You are strong. You are enough. You are in charge.”

“I am strong. I am enough. I am in charge.”

“I am. Those are two very strong words. What you put after them can shape your reality. So, say it again… and say it like you mean it!” he ordered. I clenched my teeth as a sudden surge of adrenaline coursed through my body.

“I am strong! I am enough! I am in charge!”

“He can’t hurt you anymore.”

“He can’t hurt me anymore!”

“Good, Sparky. That’s good. Now breathe deep again and imagine this. You are down on the ground. You are at your weakest. That’s what he wants—what he preys on. Will you let him strike?”

“No.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I will attack first.”

“And if he fights back?”

“It won’t matter. I am going to be enough.”

“How are you going to make sure of that?” Derek pushed.

A sound bubbled up, detonating from some place deep in my belly and erupting into something like a growl on my lips. Before Xi could even think about what he was about to do, I was up.

“Because my life is my own, and I’m going to take it back.”

39

Derek

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