Page 53 of At the Edge with You

Not for Phillip or even Kitty.

For us.

CHAPTER

TWENTY-ONE

Fable

Between my uncontrollable need for Jett and my grandfather’s letter, I find myself in the only place I can think.

The west rink.

Yellowcard’s “Ocean Avenue” blares through my speaker as I skate with no cares about what I should be doing.

I probably should have gone home to pack. I’d told Kitty I was going to do that once I talked to Jett. I knew he wouldn’t mind me moving in to one of the free apartments, but I hadn’t expected him to be quite so agreeable. I thought I’d have to talk him into it like I’ve been doing with everything lately. He proved me wrong, though, and instantly agreed.

He knows how awful my mom can be, but what really bothers me is how concerned he was with what my parents want. He was upset, but it felt like he was used to it, which makes no sense to me. Have they told him to stay away from me? I wouldn’t put it past them, and I’m not a fan of how that makes me feel.

Honestly, it’s not a surprise that he wanted to help me get away from her.

But it is surprising how close he came to kissing me again. I move my hand up to my jaw, to my lip, rubbing the spot where his thumb was. Just like his palm, the pad of his finger was warm against my skin, and I welcomed the touch. So much so, I can’t help the smile that pulls at my lips. God, I wanted him to kiss me. So badly, even if it scares the living hell out of me. It’s disheartening that we’ve been interrupted twice now, but maybe that’s because it’s supposed to be some epic kiss.

Maybe after we skate…together…for Kitty.

Instead of a kiss on my nose, I’ll be rewarded with the lips I crave so badly.

Can I wait that long?

I want it, but I’m scared of it.

Why am I the way I am?

As I skate backward, I feel like sobbing, and I don’t know why. Is it the letter and how genuine it was? How I want nothing more than to ease Kitty’s soul once more. Take away the pain I know she is feeling at the loss of the love of her life. I’m not saying that Jett is the love of my life, but it hurt when he walked away. It broke a part of me that I don’t think ever fully mended.

Jett.

What am I doing? I am so caught up in these feelings I haven’t felt before that I’m not seeing the bigger picture. I will be leaving in a year; everyone knows it. I’ll be the one walking away from him if I allow something to start between us. I don’t want him to feel that kind of pain. It was torture, the what-ifs, the why wasn’t I enough? But then, would I walk away?

What if I stayed here with him and we built a life? We could run the Ice Thistle together and… And, what? Would he want me until he doesn’t? Until I’m too much and it’s more of a hassle to deal with me than to be with me? What if all these feelings really are a fluke and I can’t give him what he needs?

Jett is a Grade A man. He exudes sex and probably knows how to bring a woman to orgasm without even touching her. He wouldn’t be okay with a pump and dump once a month. No, not with the way he looks at me. I’m pretty sure he’ll want me on my back more than standing, and it’d feel wrong to go there with him but not be there with him. I want so badly to believe that I would be present, but could I? I stop skating as my gut warms and my clit throbs. It’s as if she’s trying to tell me that she isn’t broken. That she wants him.

But can I trust her?

I’m a thirty-eight-year-old woman, and I feel like I don’t even know myself right now. Is this part of my impostor syndrome? Does he exude so much sex that I want to do the same? For him?

Why am I overthinking this?

I cover my face with my hands when the tears burn in my eyes. I inhale deeply as my heart pounds in my chest, and the confusing feelings overwhelm me. This is why I didn’t want to come home. I feel entirely too much here. I care too much about the Ice Thistle, about getting the community to like me. I work so hard to make sure the girls I teach are getting everything they want from the experience. I spend time with Kitty, even if it’s only to sit beside her and hand her thread. I go to games because she wants me there when I’d rather be in my blanket burrito. I move forward, and I want so badly for all these feelings, even the dirty ones, to be real.

Because I care so much for Jett, and it terrifies me to let him down.

I don’t mean just on the sex part—that’s a whole clusterfuck in and of itself. I mean in general. I am here to make the Ice Thistle even better. But what if I can’t? I know he wants to skate with me because it will make Kitty happy, but what if it’s too much on him? What if I’m asking for more than I should?He owes me nothing, but he seems to be present at every turn, wanting to be there for me.

It’s all just so much.

It isn’t until a pair of arms wraps around me that I realize I’m not alone. I jump as I lift my face from my hands, my eyes meeting Jett’s kind brown ones. His brows pull in as he swipes his thumbs along my cheeks, wiping away all the tears I hadn’t realized had fallen. He then wraps his arms around me even tighter, my body going flush to his and my face burrowing into his chest. Oh God, I missed his hugs. He leans his chin on my head, and my eyes drift shut as everything settles.

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