Page 16 of His Vicious Desire

“Are you hungry?Do you want me to grab something before we go home?”

“Ugh, no.Food doesn’t appeal.If nothing else, the stuff is still working.”The thought of food is making me nauseous.

His face becomes a thundercloud.“You used it to lose weight?”

“Duh.What else would I use it for?”Why is he angry?

“I thought it was to stay up to study and keep up with your classes.Sandro mentioned you were doing a double major and trying to graduate in four years.It’s bullshit you’re putting your health at risk to lose weight.Especially when it wasn’t fucking necessary.”The words are bullets fired from a shotgun: big, loud, and painful.

“Not necessary?Do you have any idea how much it sucks to be fat and live in this world?I’m in the bookstore studying, minding my own business...”I relay what happened with the woman.With every word I speak, I can feel him growing angrier.

He makes a noise low in his throat.“She doesn’t know shit?—”

“You don’t get it.You’re a guy.Even chubby guys get a pass, but you’re also like something out of a fucking magazine.I don’t know.Maybe I should look into surgery.My doctor shrugged me off before.When she retired, I went to the doctor the practice reassigned me to.That one was shoving pamphlets in my hand for bariatric surgery before I even opened my mouth.All I went in for was an ear infection.”I wonder if I can pretend that I haven’t gone to another doctor in the last year.

We pull into his garage and he punches the button for the large door to go down.I’m jerked out of my thoughts when Gaetano grasps me by my chin and turns my face to his.Fuck, there’s that damn shock of electricity again.

“Look at me, damn it.The woman and your doctor are full of bullshit.Do you know almost all the men who worked your birthday party spent the next week talking about you nonstop, wondering how to get between your legs?We lost three men to their stupid mouths.Sandro killed two, and I killed another.Women with your body type make almost forty percent more than the skinnier women at the brothel.Some of them can’t handle all the clients they have.”

“You killed someone for wanting to fuck me?”Out of everything he says, it’s all I hear.

Gaetano

This was a mistake—all of it.I should have hung up on her and called Sandro the minute I heard what she wanted.Scratch that.I never should have answered the phone.My only excuse was the sight of her name on my phone’s display short-circuited rational thought.Like it does every time it comes to her.Then she asked for speed, and I knew without a doubt she wasn’t asking for anyone but herself.

So I lied to get her here.I needed to figure out how badly she was hooked.Speed was one of those pain-in-the-ass drugs that were too damn easy to become dependent on, and it could wreck your ass too damn fast.

In the half-hour before she arrived I rushed around the house to wipe all the traces I had of her in my place.From the pictures on my phone, computer screensaver, and the pictures in my room and office to the apps and other stuff I have on my phone to watch her and track her vehicle.

The whole time, I lied to myself that I was doing it for Sandro.Maybe she wasn’t bad.I could warn her off the crap, and everything would be fine.The lies haven’t stopped coming—for her or me.

This is the fourth time I’ve deleted the app for me to watch her on the cameras.I only made it a week the first time I deleted it.Each time, I went a little longer before downloading it again—the last time, it was two weeks.

Every time I deleted it, I told myself it wouldn’t happen again.Then I would go too long without sleep or hate the whole fucking world, and only the sight of her would soothe my soul.

I’ve lied to her a half dozen times since she walked through the door.I’m not going to tell Sandro.For her, not him.It’s the first time I’ve ever betrayed my loyalty to a man I thought of as my brother.I could lie again since I’m getting so good at telling them that I’m doing it to protect him from the pain of feeling like he failed her.It’s not why I’m doing it, though.

It's because when she comes off this, she is going to be humiliated that she did something so stupid as to become addicted to a drug beneath her.At first, she would believe Sandro when he told her everything was fine, that he forgave her for all her sins.However, as she gained more knowledge of the world and her brother, she would see up close how strong of mind and body Sandro is.How he would never make the same mistake she had—and it would eat at her and their relationship.

Better it’s me who cleaned up this mess.I’m someone she won’t see often, or ever, if I kept it the way I should.It won’t matter if she can’t look me in the eye if she never sees me.If there is something I can give her, I want to do this for her.

She’s doing it again, twisting up everything inside me by looking up at me with wide eyes filled with curiosity and fear.It’s the fear that gets to me.Sheshouldbe afraid of me.This girl has no idea how badly I want her.If she did, she would run screaming from me—or she should.Except I have a feeling she wouldn’t.Too young, too trusting, too much of everything I want and can’t have.

I drop my hand from her chin and get out of the car.I’m not going to get through the next week if I keep touching her.The moments holding her in my arms were heaven and hell.Months of tortured dreams combined with the need to hold her again were answered, and fuck me, the reality was worse because it was better than the memory and dream.

She follows me into the house.

“What do you want to eat?”I need something, anything to do to distract her and me from how badly I want to touch her again.

Her beautiful face scrunches.“I’m really not hungry.”

“When was the last time you ate?”

It’s clear she’s trying to remember.Before she can lie again, I shake my head.“You need to eat something.Your body is going to have a hard enough time going through the withdrawal—it will need as much fuel as you can give it.At least try some bread with butter, or I made some tortillas last night and a pot of beans?—”

“You made tortillas and beans?”Is an exclamation more than a question.

The chuckle comes out of me before I can swallow it.“And if you’d let me finish talking, I would have also said rice.What’s with the shock?”

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