Page 143 of Goaltender Interference

But no words came. They hadn’t in so long.

His whole life, Connor hadbelieved, and then Kelly had come out.

And while Connor would never, ever blame his brother, that news had ripped apart Connor’s carefully built world. His marriage had ended and he’d been forced to admit his own sexuality.

And now here he was, in love with Jesse.

Jesse, who was agnostic at best and a man and his teammate and … Connor buried his head in his hands, shoulders shaking.

He was bi. He was bi and in love with a man and Nolan was gay.

Connor could feel the bitterness in the back of his throat at the knowledge Nolan had come to Jesse first about it. A part of himwas glad. A part of him was glad Nolan had felt he could come tosomeoneabout it.

But the bitter, nasty voice inside of Connor thatalwaystold him he wasn’t enough, seemed louder than ever. It told him he was failing his team and his family. It said Nolan hadn’t come to him because Nolan had doubted him. Because Nolan hadn’t trusted him.

Jessehad seemed more reliable than Nolan’s own father.

And yeah, a part of Connor knew Nolan had plenty of reasons for coming to Jesse. And it wasgoodif he felt like he could trust Jesse. Especially because the divorce had made his relationship with both Connor and Viv a lot more complicated.

Connor needed to sit down with Nolan and really talk to him. Promise him he loved and supported him and would have his back through anything.

Somehow, he was gonna have to get Viv on board too.

But that insidious whisper, that ever-present damned Catholicguilt, told him all of this had happened because he was somehow lacking. He’d never be quite enough. He didn’t have what it took.

And then Connor thought of Jesse. His chaos demon. His dancing goalie.

That bittersweet feeling thickened in his throat when he pictured Jesse. His bright smiles and his laughing eyes and the way the weight of the world seemed to slide off his shoulders, no matter how frustrating life got.

Connor admired that about him so much.

But his feelings for Jesse were a lot more than admiration. More than simple lust or even infatuation. This waslove.

The kind of undeniable love that Connor knew, deep in his bones, would endure.

Choosing to be with Jesse meant rejecting so much.

It was a rejection of his religion, the safety and comfort of the church structure. The sureness of what lay beyond the day-to-day world. Because if he loved Jesse, if he turned toward him and the life they might have together, the last of those structures, all of those certainties about what happened after death, about what being a good person meant, about what the world was made up of and what really mattered … they would come tumbling down.

He'd have to build them himself, from scratch.

He’d have to raise his children—the girls mostly, because Nolan was well on his way already—without the structure of those teachings. He’d have to teach them goodness came not from following the teachings of a bishop or priest or even God, but from within.

Reward and punishment wouldn’t come from an unseen God but from how it impacted others.

And the worst part of it—at least to Connor—was that he remembered a time when he’d felt God as a concrete presence in his life. And now he didn’t know if that was real or only something his own mind had created.

Because he’d felt those holy moments at the birth of his children. He felt them in the flash of connection when a teammateslammed into him on the ice, joyously celebrating after an impossible goal.

But he’d also heard God in Jesse’s laugh and tasted it in his kiss.

Turning away from the Catholic Church felt like rejecting God and yet turning toward Jesse felt like turning toward God too.

And Connor hated uncertainty, hated the doubt that created.

He liked rules and structure and certainty. But he couldn’t deny he’d been happier and more at ease since Jesse had twerked his way into Connor’s life.

Connor made strangled little sound, wiping at the wetness on his face.

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