Page 144 of Goaltender Interference

Of all the people …

“What lesson am I supposed to learn from this?” Connor whispered because he might be doubting his faith and his future, but he couldn’t quite kick the habit of praying for divine guidance. Maybe he never would.

Because doing this all alone was so fucking hard.

He glanced around the church through blurry eyes, seeing the history of it, the history of his city, his community, hisfamily, and he felt the weight of his grief settle inside him.

Because he knew the answer to the question he’d asked.

He had togo. He had to choose happiness. And if the church told him he wasn’t welcome because he loved Jesse, well, then he’d have to choose Jesse.

Because choosing Jesse meant loving more than just him. It was also choosing to love his family. To love Kelly and Nolan.

To lovehimself.

And if God wanted Connor to hate them, or himself, then maybe there wasn’t a God at all. Maybe there was only love and connection and choosing to be good to the people who loved him back. The people who relied on him.

Or maybethatwas what God was. Not something outside of himself but the love he felt for the people in his life.

So Connor rose to his feet, knees stiff and crackling, and stood. He walked down the aisle and he pushed open those big red doors. He walked out into the weak November daylight like it was sunshine.

And he went home.

To Jesse.

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

The moment Jesse and Nolan arrived home, Nolan went up to his room, resisting any attempt Jesse made to talk with him.

So Jesse hopped in the shower to wash off the smell of horses, then dressed in team sweats and curled up on the sectional in the basement. He burrowed into a pile of soft blankets, his heart aching for Nolan and Connor, because none of this was easy.

Truthfully, he was feeling low for himself too, because he was afraid Connor was done with him. Was he angry with Jesse for keeping Nolan’s sexuality a secret?

Jesse believed he’d done the right thing, but would Connor see it that way? Or would he think Jesse had overstepped?

And this church thing made Jesse uneasy.

Connor loved his son. He’d support him through thick and thin, would fight for him even if it meant going up against his ex-wife, Jesse didn’t doubt that. But Kelly’s coming out had driven a wedge between Connor and the religion he’d grown up in. So why was he turning back to it now?

Was he feeling guilty for his involvement with Jesse? Bargaining with God that he’d stop sleeping with Jesse if only God would help him convince Viv to come around? Because that idea didn’t seem so farfetched to Jesse.

Connor would do anything for Nolan.

And that was good. Jesse wanted that for Nolan.

Jesse just didn’t want Connor to sethimaside. He didn’t want Connor making bargains with God if it meant they were over. He wanted Connor to trust in himself. To trust that what he and Jesse had wasgood.

It was right.

Jesse’s stomach ached and he buried his face in a throw pillow. It smelled of Connor’s cologne. It was the one he leaned against whenever he sat down to watch TV or a movie and Jesse wanted to scream into it because it made him want Connor’s arms around him and to feel Connor’s lips against his temple.

He hadn’t realized how much more settled he felt when Connor was close. Right now, he needed Connor and he wasn’there.

Instead, Connor was in some stupid church instead of hereat homewhere he belonged.

Jesse released a muffled scream, then rolled onto his back. It twinged, tight from the horseback riding, and he brought his legs up, grabbing his feet, shifting into happy baby pose.

It would be better on the floor but he was too lazy to move.

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