Page 70 of Goaltender Interference

Jesse’s expression softened a little. “Connor …”

He sighed. “It’s dumb. I know. But I’ll try to chill out about it, okay?”

“That would be nice. Because I’m tired of it.”

“I’ll do better,” Connor promised. Because he wasn’t a perfect man but if there was one thing he could say about himself, itwas that he knew how to work hard. He knew how to focus on improvement. On making progress.

“I’d appreciate that.”

“That’s not all though,” Connor said with a sigh. “It’s … I’m also fucking envious of how much fun you have at everything!”

He hadn’t even realized that was true until the words left his mouth. For a moment after, they both gaped at each other.

“What?” Jesse said, blinking. “You …”

Connor sighed, slumping against the wall. “I … don’t know. Forget I said anything.”

“No. What do you mean?”

“I mean … I mean I’ve spent my whole fucking life doing what I’m supposed to,” Connor said slowly, frowning at the button on Jesse’s shirt. “I’ve been the good son and good husband and good player and captain and father and everything everyone else needed. I’ve never … I’ve never just been able to …enjoythings.”

“Connor.”

Connor glanced up to see a soft look on Jesse’s face. That soft look was fine, but what he hated was the pity in his gaze. Jesse feltsorryfor Connor.

And Connor didn’t want Jesse to feel sorry for him. He wanted him towanthim. He wanted him to think he was fun and exciting and not well, exactly what he was. A thirty-five-year-old divorced father with baggage and no life outside of hockey.

“Look, it doesn’t matter,” Connor said, reaching out again and trying to pull Jesse closer. “We should?—”

But Jesse resisted, bracing his arms on Connor’s chest, his gaze studying his face. “No, why do you feel that way?”

Connor laughed, a little bitterly. “Because it’s true? I mean, when I was a kid, my dad was playing pro hockey and Finn and Pat were gone all the time withtheirhockey, so it was mostly Kelly and me and my mom at home. And Kelly was little enough that I was the one who always looked after him. And everyone told me what a good brother I was, watching out for him, so I just keptdoingit.”

“Okay,” Jesse said slowly.

“And like …” Connor fucking wished he was more sober right now because it was hard to pull together his thoughts with this much whiskey swimming in his brain. “Then I got serious about my hockey and I got drafted and I met Viv and there was Nolan andfuck”—he squeezed his eyes tightly shut—”Ilovemy son but I was practically a kid still when I had him and I was suddenly an NHL player and a father and a husband and I never … I never got to … figure out who I was.”

“Sure, that makes sense,” Jesse said. He still had his hands on Connor’s chest and they were warm and heavy and he looked sogoodand Connor had to swallow through the thickness of his throat.

“I don’t know who I am,” Connor admitted. “You know? Like, even my little brother has his shit figured out. I’m not saying what Kelly went through was easy either, not at all, but at least he knew who he was. And now he’s married and has the man of his dreams and I’m … hooking up with my fuckboy goaltender.”

That came out sounding a little more bitter than he intended.

Jesse gave him a lopsided grin. “Well, I’d put the last part in the win column, but …”

Connor managed a half-hearted smile back. “I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. And you—God, the sex isgood, Jesse. I’m not sayin’ otherwise. I just feel … I feel lost right now, I guess. And like everyone else has their shit figured out when I don’t.”

“Uhh, well, you’re not the only one, Connor.” Jesse looked away, glancing over Connor’s shoulder, his face twisting with a frown. “I’m in Boston because I hadtoo much fun. Because … everyone thinks I’m an irresponsible fuckup.”

“You’re not an irresponsible fuckup!” Connor protested.

Jesse snorted, looking him in the eye. “Tell me you didn’t think that about me this summer.”

Connor winced. “Okay, I did. But now that I know you, I know you’re great.”

“Well, that was never in question.”

“I’m just saying I don’t think you’re irresponsible,” Connor continued. “You don’t always make good choices but I can see you’retryingto and you have a good heart.”

---