Page 135 of Body Check

Thad’s mouth twisted. “Because I ratted out your fucking buddies in exchange for a lighter sentence and there was a chance they might want to retaliate. They said the only way they could keep me safe was to put me in a prison with higher security.”

“Shit. That’sawful,” Dakota whispered.

Thad sighed, nodding, but his gaze never left Gavin’s as he shrugged. “Yeah, well, that’s the US corrections system.”

“Was there—was there a lot of violence there?” Gavin asked. He’d always imagined all sorts of horrible things happening there, but what did he actually know about prison? He’d only watched fictional depictions on TV. He had no idea what it was like to live through.

Thad shrugged. “There was enough. Enough that it makes it hard to sleep. Hard to ever feel safe or let down your guard anywhere. I was lucky because I was physically strong and smart enough to figure out the lay of the land. I learned how to keep my head above water and keep from being the kind of guy who looked like a target.”

Gavin swallowed hard. “I hate that I didn’t protect you. And that I wasn’t there to help you through it.”

Thad looked away, staring out the wall of windows. “I managed. The loneliness was the worst though. Feeling like my whole family had abandoned me.”

“Fuck.” Gavin closed his eyes. “That was … you deserved better. I’m sorry.”

Thad glanced back at him. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted, you know? You to say you’re sorry. You to admit you fucked up there. Going to prison for you … that part I’d do all over again. I hated every second of it but … but I would have done it a thousand times over if you’d written to me occasionally. Shown up and looked me in the eye.”

“I was a coward,” Gavin whispered.

Thad’s face twisted into an expression Gavin couldn’t even begin to identify. “Uh, well, before you go beating yourself and thinking I’m some kind of saint, I have something I need to confess too.”

Gavin raised his eyebrow. “What’s that?”

Thad rubbed the back of his neck. “I, uh … I’m the reason we didn’t get drafted together.”

“What?” Gavin whispered.

“I—I told the GMs who were interested that I wanted to go separate. That I didn’t want to play on the same team with you.”

“But why? You—you were always the one who?—”

“Because I knew you didn’t want to play with me anymore!” Thad snapped. “Because you made it more than obvious you didn’t want me around!”

Gavin’s eyes stung with tears again. “It wasn’t that I didn’t want you around, Thad, I felt like … like our parents, our coaches, half the fucking time they didn’t even see us as separate people.”

Thad laughed wetly. “God. Do you remember those stupid matching outfits Mom used to put us in?”

“The khakis and striped polo shirts,” Gavin said softly. He hadn’t thought about those in years. But they’d been forced to wear them to every family event, every school picture day, every time they went to church. Which, admittedly, wasn’t really all that often but it had always been about how things looked to other people.

Shit, was that why he’d gone for Rory? Why a relationship that was all surface and no depth had felt so natural to him?

“Blue for me, red for you,” Thad whispered, pulling him from his thoughts about his ex.

“Always.” Gavin rolled his eyes. “Even though I liked blue better than you ever did.”

“Isthatwhy you always wear black now?” Dakota blurted out.

Gavin laughed softly, glancing over at him. “Probably part of it, yeah. It also means I have to make fewer decisions in the mornings when I get dressed, which saves me time and mental energy. But I’m sure the way Mom dressed us didn’t help.”

He returned his attention to his brother. “But it wasn’t about you. Thad. It was never really about you. I loved playing hockey with you. I—I wasdevastatedwhen I found out we weren’t drafted to the same team.”

Thad looked down at his hands. “I know—I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it then but by the time I did, it was too late. And that’s when you really started to spiral, wasn’t it? Started to get in deeper with Dillon and the rest of those guys.”

“Yeah.” Gavin sighed, thinking about that time in his life. It seemed so long ago, like he’d been a totally different person then.

“I really am sorry.” Thad looked up, his eyes filled with remorse. “I’ve felt guilty for years.”

Pieces in Gavin’s head started to come together, painting a horrible picture. “Is—isthatwhy you confessed to the robbery?”

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