Page 96 of Body Check

“I was right, then? You were having premature ventricular contraction?”

“Yeah. The nurse explained it happens when the electrical signal to start my heartbeat comes from the wrong chambers.”

“Right, I get that. But I thought it was generally no big deal.”

“For young people, yeah. It’s just a weird flukey thing they grow out of. By my age, with my lifestyle, I guess it can be a sign of the heart muscle weakening or serious heart issues.”

“Oh. Shit. Well, that’s scary.”

“Yeah. They did blood work and an EKG. No sign of a previous heart attack—thank God—although my cholesterol and blood pressure are really elevated, way up from the bloodwork I had done earlier this year, so they want me to work on that. I have a high risk of a heart attack if I keep going on like I have been.” Gavin sighed heavily.

Dakota shifted closer, pressing their foreheads together. “You know what helps with all those things?” he whispered. “Drinking less alcohol and eating less meat.”

Gavin huffed out a laugh. “See, that’s why I need to keep you around. You can teach me to eat more vegetables.”

“That’s theonlyreason you want me around?” Dakota asked, smiling.

“No. Not even close.” Gavin pulled back. “I mean it. I care about you, Dakota. My life is better with you in it. And it’s more than our great sex life.”

Dakota’s expression turned thoughtful. “I do care about you too,” he finally whispered. “I was really scared you were actually going to drop dead of a heart attack or something. I’m … I never considered the idea of this becoming something serious.”

“I know you had a bad experience in your last relationship,” Gavin said carefully. “And you have a lot of reasons to be wary about risking it again. But I’m not Bryce.”

“I know you aren’t him. But yesterday, you were … you were really aggressive when I got here. You weren’t listening to me, you were talking like you?—”

“Like I wanted to top you?” Gavin finished with a lift of his eyebrows. “I—I’m sorry. I wasn’t in the best head space. I talked to Thad and he—well, apparently he and our parents have reconciled and I’m the odd man out in the family. It hit really hard.”

Dakota frowned. “I’m sorry to hear that but I’m not sure I understand what that has to do with us.”

“It’s something we can talk about more at some point,” Gavin said. “But the short version is, I wasn’t feeling like myself yesterday. I got really insecure about some stuff and I started spiraling and I—I made some bad choices.”

“Yeah, I getthatpart,” Dakota said. “I’m just not sure I?—”

“I behaved like an ass,” Gavin said bluntly. “I’m not making excuses for it. Honestly. I’m not. There are reasons, but in the end, they don’t matter. I can be really bullish when I go aftersomething I want, and I guess I fell back on my default. But I acted like a dick to you and I’m sorry.”

“I appreciate the apology.”

“But?”

“But …” Dakota wet his lips. “But there is a serious conflict of interest here with our jobs, Gavin. And if we go forward with something—with dating, or whatever, we run the risk of being found out. And the truth is, even if I set aside my fear about screwing up my career for a man again, it isn’t me I’m concerned about. It’s Violet. Things are more complicated for my sister than you know. And I don’t want to be someone who puts her career or the life she has in jeopardy.”

Gavin frowned because he had no idea what Dakota was talking about. He opened his mouth to ask for clarification, but Dakota shook his head.

“I’m sorry. I can’t tell you anything more without clearing it with her first.”

Gavin nodded. Fair enough. He had plenty of secrets of his own and he had no interest in prying into Dakota’s or Violet’s pasts if they weren’t willing to share. “I understand.”

“Honestly,” Dakota said, and the emotion in his voice made Gavin tighten his grip on his hand. “I don’t know what to do. I do care about you, Gavin. Sitting in that waiting room, waiting for word on how you were doing … it forced me to admit my feelings for you aren’t quite as neat and tidy as I thought they were. As neat and tidy as I wanted them to be.” He let out a rueful laugh. “And the truth is, I’m scared. I’m scared about how our involvement could impact my job, scared about how itcould impact Violet’s life. But mostly scared of … of getting hurt again.”

He looked down at their clasped hands, his lashes throwing shadows onto his cheeks.

“And I’m scared you’re feeling emotional because of this ER trip and once that all clears, you’ll change your mind.”

Gavin sighed because … he got that. None of Dakota’s worries were unreasonable or unfounded.

“I won’t lie to you,” he said softly. “Last nightwasemotional for me. Lying on a gurney while they ran tests, well, it made a lot of thoughts race through my head. About my life and what I want from it. About if I’m really, truly happy with where I’m at.”

Dakota frowned but didn’t speak, so Gavin kept going. “The truth is, I’ve given my all to my career because—because there are things missing from my life. I love this job, I’mdamngood at it, but, honestly, it was easier to focus on work than face the fact that I’m—I’m lonely. For years, I told myself I had this amazing life. I’d look at all my accomplishments as proof I had it all together but I don’t.”

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